CHAPTER THREE: I ONLY PRAY
MONDAY 5.28.2018
9:28PM EST - 10:12PM EST - 10:21PM EST
DEAR HONEY, AFTER YEARS OF BEING AROUND YOU, I THINK ABOUT YOU ALL DAY WHILE ALONE. FROM THE VERY SECOND I HEARD THE VERY WORST I COULD HEAR. I HAVE BEEN FIGHTING THE FEAR HONEY AND THE FEAR HAS ALWAYS BEEN NEAR HONEY. WHY WOULD I HAVE MET SOMEONE WHO PASSED AWAY IF I WAS NOT MEANT TO TAKE LIFE SERIOUSLY? HOW CAN I NOT TAKE MY LIFE SERIOUSLY WHEN YOURS WAS VICIOUSLY TAKEN FROM YOU HONEY? THEY CAN NEVER CONVINCE ME OF OTHERWISE HONEY. YOU ARE THE FIRST FRIEND I HAD THAT WAS MURDERED HONEY. NAIJAH DIED IN 2008 AT 17. NAIJAH DIED IN A CAR ACCIDENT HONEY. HONEY, YOU DIED FROM A GUN, YOU WERE THE FIRST ONE I KNEW TO MEET THAT END. FOUR YEARS AFTER YOU WERE GONE HONEY, I MET ROCK SIX MONTHS BEFORE HE WAS GONE HONEY.
THESE THREE INSTANCES INSTANTLY HAD AN EFFECT ON ME HONEY, DIFFERENTLY, CONSISTENTLY, WITH A PERSISTENTLY PERSISTENT CLING TO THE WHOLE THING. BUT THE WHOLE THING ISN’T AWESOME HONEY, IT IS THE OPPOSITE OF THAT. HONEY IF I DID NOT PURSUE MY GOALS I WOULD FEEL LIKE SH BECAUSE YOU THREE CAN’T NOW AND WE STILL CAN...WOW. WE MUST NOT BE CAUGHT TAKING THIS PRIVILEGE FOR GRANTED HONEY. WE WILL BE CAUGHT UNLESS WE NEVER DO IT. HONEY YOUR DEATH FORCED ME TO HEAR AN OH SO CLEVER MUSIC HONEY. THIS MUSIC I STILL HEAR HONEY RIGHT HERE HONEY, ALL UP IN MY EAR HONEY. IT WAS NEVER FAIR HONEY, I FEEL IT ALL IN THE AIR HONEY. WISH I COULD SEE YOUR HAIR FRIEND. WISH I COULD SEE YOUR FAIR SKIN. I WISH I COULD SEE YOU HERE FRIEND. IF ONLY YOU WERE NEAR FRIEND. YOU WILL ALWAYS BE REMEMBERED AS A DEAR FRIEND. DOESN’T TAKE TOO LONG FOR ME TO DROP TOO MANY TEARS FRIEND. BUT NEVER ENOUGH TEARS FRIEND. NEVER ENOUGH TEARS SHED. SO I GRAB THE PAD AND DROP FEARS FRIEND. I CAN NOT SPEAK FOR YOUR OTHER FRIENDS HONEY BUT I LEARNED THE LESSON I NEEDED TO LEARN FROM YOUR DEATH HONEY. THE LESSONS LEARNED FROM DEALING WITH DEATH AROUND US DID NOT FALL ON A FAINT EAR WHEN THEY TURNED MY LIFE UPSIDE DOWN THREE DIFFERENT TIMES AS AN ADULT HONEY.
HONEY I CAN ONLY CONTROL MYSELF. I ONLY HAVE A SPECIFIED AMOUNT OF TIME TO CONTROL MYSELF BEFORE MY CONTROLLER TO THE GAME OF LIFE RUNS OUT OF BATTERY. THAT ONE LINE MATTERED TO ME CAUSE IT JUST INSPIRED A STORY. AND HONEY YOU INSPIRE THE STORIES, THE STORIES I WRITE FROM THIS DAY. THIS IS MAY TWENTY EIGHTH AND I STILL HAVE THINGS TO SAY. THINGS TO WRITE, THE THINGS I SIGHT, WHEN YOUR MEMORIES IN MY HEAD IGNITE IDEAS FOR THE WORLD’S GAIN INSTEAD OF EMBEDDING THE PAIN IN THE BRAIN IN THE HEAD AND SPREADING THE RAIN. THE “AS THE RAIN REIGNS” IDEA IS FOR YOU AS WELL HONEY. IT CAME TO ME TODAY HONEY. YOU WANTED TO BE AN ACTRESS NOW THE NEWEST SCI FI STAR IS YOU HONEY. I SAID THE NEWEST SCI FI FANTASY AND SCI FI THRILLER AND PYSCHE THRILLERS CALLED CHILLER, WILL REVEAL THE, REAL REASON I MADE THEM. TRANSMOGRIFICATION. I TRANSMOGRIFY FOR I CAN NOT SMOG THE CRIES. THE CRIES SMOG UP IN THE INSIDE AS CLOUDS OF SMOG WOULD. WORSE THAN FOG WHEN IT JUST BOGS YOU DOWN. SHOUT OUT LOUD I GOTTA SOME TIMES. CAUSE HONEY DIED SIX YEARS AGO AS I STILL WONDER WHY...IT WASN’T I. BUT IT WASN’T I AND I AM LEFT HERE TO DEAL WITH THAT ALONE. AS I DEAL WITH THAT ALONE, I QUOTED HER SOME POEMS TO SHOW THEM SHE REALLY KNOWS HIM. THIS ALONE PROPELS ME. I WAS COMPELLED TO SEE. MY ENERGY REALISTICALLY BEING APPLIED IN REALITY, WITH EFFORTS REALLY WELL PLACED. AND AS THE EFFORT LAY WELL PLACED, OUR SPRAY WAS LACED. THEN ENDED UP STRAIGHT IN OUR ADVERSARIES FACE WHEN THEY TRIED TO PLAY. BUT HONEY WHAT I TRIED TO SAY IS I NEVER FORGOT YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO ACT AND YOU WOULD ACT IN MY FILMS. IT HAUNTED ME THOSE MOMENTS NEVER MANIFESTED IN OUR LIFETIME. SO ON A WHIM. SO HONEY OUT OF RESPECT FOR YOU I MANIFESTED THIS IN MY LIFETIME. THE LIFETIME I MET YOU IN DARLING. I PROMISE TO MAKE THESE SCIENCE FICTION NOVELS ON IDEAS INSPIRED BY THE PAIN OF YOUR DEATH, HISTORICAL AND IF NEED BE, RHETORICAL. ONE YEAR AGO I RECORDED ONE HUNDRED HOURS OF AUDIOBOOKS. I AM GETTING THAT ITCH AGAIN HONEY. THIS TIME AROUND IT’S YOU I HAVE STUCK ON MY BRAIN AND WITH GOOD REASON I MAY ADD.
I AM GOING TO MAKE THESE NOVELS AND FILMS SO CHILLER. THAT WILL BE OUR WORD FOR IT HONEY, THESE FILMS WERE CHILLER. CHILLER IN MANY WAYS HONEY. CHILLER AS IN SOME WILL BE A THRILLER HONEY AND WE WILL HAVE OUR OWN THRILLER HONEY VANESSA STALLONE GOT IT GOING ON MAN HOLLYWOOD WASN’T READY FOR VANESSA STALLONE. THE LITTLE GIRLS NEED A HERO WHO CAN NEVER BETRAY THEM HONEY AND YOUR MEMORY WAS PURE HONEY FOR THAT I AM SO SURE HONEY. I AM OBSESSED BY MY CRAFT AND MY MEMORIES OF MY PASSED ON HOMIES HONEY. THE HOMIES WHOM HAVE ALREADY PASSED ON TO THE STARS AND BEYOND. WITH THOUGHTS OF YOU HONEY MY MIND WILL GO BEYOND AND ABOVE AND RETURN WITH IDEAS OF GRANDEUR. THERE ARE SO MANY FILMS AND NOVELS YOUR MEMORIES HAVE INSPIRED INSIDE OF ME AND WILL CONTINUE TO INSPIRE UNTIL I EXPIRE HONEY. I WANT YOU TO HUG ME AGAIN WHEN YOU SEE ME AGAIN MY FRIEND. WE WERE JUST YOUNG ADULTS LEARNING HOW THE WORLD REALLY WORKED. WE TOOK THE TIME TO SIT BACK AND OBSERVE. TO OBSERVE THE WORLD. THEN THEY TOOK OUR FAVORITE GIRL. SO NOW I FIND MYSELF FORCING MYSELF TO CREATE GREAT THINGS WITH YOUR MEMORY HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR THE ACHIEVEMENTS HONEY. IT WAS A GREAT THING. MY WAY OF GRIEVING HONEY PLEASE BELIEVE ME HONEY. IF I LIVE TO SEE MONEY FROM THESE BOOKS THEN IT WE CAN START A FOUNDATION FOR YOU HONEY AND I WILL REACH OUT TO YOUR MOM MISS FLORA.LOSING YOU HONEY HURT ME BAD. I ONLY PRAY I SEE TOMORROW.