THE FATALIST TRILOGY VOLUME ONE: THE FATALIST HEART

THE FATALIST’S HEART

WEDNESDAY 3.14.2018

9:54PM EST - 10:21PM EST - 10:38PM EST

INTRODUCTION: SHINGLES

WHEN I LABEL MYSELF A FATALIST, WHAT I MEAN IS THIS; LIFE’S SERIOUS NATURE WILL ULTIMATELY REQUIRE US TO UNDERGO CERTAIN LIFE EXPERIENCES. THE MOON IS DISTANT TONIGHT, YET STILL WITHIN SIGHT. AS THE PLANE PASSES DIRECTLY ABOVE ME I CONTEMPLATE ON HOW MANY MORE PLANES I AM DESTINED TO WITNESS FLY ABOVE ME. THIS LIFE IS AGIFT WITH A PRODUCT IN IT. THE PRODUCT IS US AND THE PRODUCT HAS AN EXPIRATION DATE.

THIS IS DEFINITELY NOT DINNER TABLE CONVERSATION AT HOME WITH THE BLOODLINE. SO I ONLY THINK THESE THOUGHTS PRIVATELY. THE SHINGLES ON THE ROOF LAY UNDERNEATH THE HEAT WAVES. I STARE INTO THE HEATWAVES FOR MINUTES AT A TIME. FATALISM TO ME MEANS I MUST BE CRITICAL WITH THE MINUTES GIVEN. WE ARE BORN INTO THE WILDNERNESS OF INFINITE POSSIBILITIES WITH A FINITE AMOUNT OF MOMENTS TO EXPERIENCE.

AS UNCOMFORTABLE A QUESTION THE THOUGHT MAY POSE I DEAL WITH IT WITH A STARE. THE STARE OF 1000 YARDS. PECULIAR INDEED.UNDENIABLY TRE BIZARRE. I LOVE MY LIFE. MY LIFE IS A CHANCE TO EXPLORE CONSCIOUSNESS. HOW AWARE OF MYSELF WILL I GROW? THIS, IS THE BURDEN. THE BURDEN IS AS SUCH.  

    I THINK ABOUT IT ALL OF THE TIME. I THINK ABOUT IT EVERY DAY. I THINK ABOUT IT A FEW TIMES EVERY 12 HOURS. THE THOUGHT NEVER LEAVES ME. HOW COULD IT WHEN LIFE HAS YET TOLEAVE ME? I AM TO BE GRATEFUL OF THE GIFT GIVEN TO ME. LIFE MUST COME FULL CIRCLE. I WANT TO REMAIN AWARE OF THE FACT IT MUST. I WAS NOT PLACED ON THIS PLANET ACCIDENTALLY. UNTILT EH MOTHER SHIP RESCUES ME I MUST ACQUIRE MY DESTINY.

CHAPTER ONE: LET ALONE 60MINUTES

THURSDAY 3.15.2018

8:47AM EST - 9:23AM EST

EVERY MORNING ON THE WAKE UP, THE THOUGHT IMMEDIATELY PRECEDES ANY MOVEMENT. “I AM STILL HERE, I AM STILL HERE”. THEN THE QUESTIONS FOLLOW, THE MANY QUESTIONS. “WHY AM I STILL HERE AND WHAT AM I TO DO NOW?” THERE MUST BE SOME REASON TO STILL BE HERE I THINK. LIFE ITSELF BOTHERS ME FOR NO REASON OTHER THAN IT IS FLEETING. IF TIME I LIMITED, ITS DUE TO BE SAVORED.

THE FEELING FLOATS OVER MY SHADOW. THE FEELING FLOATS OVER MY OWN FIGURE. THE FEELING CAN NOT BE SHAKEN OFF. THE FEELING COULD NOT BE SHOOK. THE FEELING OF “UTILIZE THIS TIME WISELY”. THE FEELING OF “UTILIZE THIS TIME PRODUCTIVELY”. IT IS A MOST BOTHERSOME FEELING. AS MUCH AS I MIGHT LOVE TO LIE DOWN AND WATCH A FILM I MOST LIKELY JUST WON’T.

I JUST WON’T MOST LIKELY DUE TO THE FACT IT JUST MAY BE THE LAST FILM I EVER WATCH. I MUST REACH SOME STANDARD BEFORE SITTING DOWN WITH A FILM. THERE ARE MANY THINGS IN THIS LIFE I CAN CONTROL. THERE ARE MANY THINGS IN THIS LIFE I CAN NOT CONTROL. I CAN NOT CONTROL WHY I WAS SENT HERE. I CAN NOT CONTROL WHY I AM HERE. I CAN ONLY CONTROL WHAT I DO WITH TIME HERE.

THE AMOUNT OF TIME PRECISELY LEFT TO ME AT THIS MOMENT WILL ALWAYS BE UNKNOWN UNTIL WHEN OTHERS LOOK BACK IN RETROSPECT; TOO FUNNY. IT IS JUST TOO FUNNY INDEED. I COULD LIVE ANOTHER 60 YEARS OR I COULD LIVE ANOTHER 60 DAYS. BUT WHAT IF I ONLY HAD 60 HOURS LEFT? LET ALONE 60MINUTES.

IT IS NOT LIKE I AM AFRAID OF IT HAPPENING. IT HAPPENING IS INEVITABLE. I AM MORE AFRAID OF IT HAPPENING BEFORE I SOLVED THE PUZZLE. BEFORE I SOLVED THE RIDDLE. THE RIDDLE ENCAPSULATED IN THE MISSION DIRECTIVE. THE ANSWER HIDDEN WITHIN THE MISSION OBJECTIVE. NOW I CAN WATCH THE MOVIE.

CHAPTER TWO: NOT FREE INDEED WITH NONE

FRIDAY 3.16.2018

6:47PM EST - 7:04PM EST

I THINK ABOUT WHAT I CAN DO. ALL DAY I THINK ABOUT WHAT I CAN DO WITH MY LIFE. HOW MUCH TIME WILL BE GIVEN UNTO ME AND HOW WISELY SHALL I HAVE USED IT? THE TWO MOST IMPORTANT QUESTIONS TO ME. THESE THOUGHTS ARE OF THE GREATEST IMPORTANCE. I EXCLUSIVELY RIDE MY OWN SHOULDERS. I ALONE SLAP MYSELF ALL DAY TO STAY IN LINE.

THIS LIFE IS A PRECIOUS GIFT AND THE LAST THING I WANT TO DO IS TO SPIT IN THE FACE OF THE ONE WHOM GRANTED LIFE TO ME IN THE FIRST PLACE. IN THE FIRST PLACE I WAS SENT HERE TO DO SOMETHING AND UNTIL I DO THIS SOMETHING I AM NOT FREE. I AM NOT FREE OF THE BURDEN TO EXCEL. I AM NOT FREE OF THE BURDEN TO SUPERCEDE. I AM NOT FREE OF THE BURDEN TO INTERCEPT MY OWN FLAWS AND TO TOUCH GREATNESS. I AM NOT FREE INDEED.

IT IS MY JOB TO DO SOMETHING. THE SOMETHING I MUST DO IS RELATIVELY UNKNOWN. IT IS UNKNOWN TO EVERY HUMAN EXCEPT ME. IT CAN ONLY BE FELT BY OTHERS. I CAN ONLY KNOW IT FROM THE INSIDE AND HISTORY CAN ONLY KNOW IT FROM THE RETROSPECTIVE STINK OF DESTINY. THE FUTURE, ALONG WITH DESTINY AND HISTORY, ARE CONNECTED. THE FUTURE BECOMES HISTORY, AND HISTORY HAS THE STINK OF DESTINY TO IT WHEN IT IS BEING MADE; HISTORY WAS ALWAYS MEANT TO BECOME HISTORY AND SO THE FUTURE KNEW IT. THE FUTURE KNOWS NOTHING WITHOUT THE HISTORY SHIFTING IT. HINDSIGHT 20/20 IN AN UNIVERSAL SENSE OF THINGS.

THE FUTURE KNOWS WHAT I HAD TO DO AND WHAT I IN FACT ACTUALLY DID. WITHOUT THE PRESENT DEEDS BECOMING HISTORY, THAT FUTURE IS NOT THE REAL FUTURE. IT IS THE FUTURE THAT AWAITS THE COMPLETION OF OUR DESTINIES. IT IS THE FUTURE THAT BELIEVES IN US. ONLY IN THEIR TIMES WERE HISTORICAL FIGURES MOCKED AND RIDICULED. NEVER FORGET THE FUTURE KNOWS THE TRUTH.

CONTEMPORARY TIMES ARE OFTEN SPRAYED IN INDIFFERENCE TOWARDS THE NEXT PARADIGMS. HOW MANY RADIO MEN IN THE 1940’S GAVE TELEVISION A SHOT? WE KNOW NOW LOOKING BACK, THE ENTIRE WORLD GAVE THE TELEVISION A SHOT. THE WORLD HAD FAITH IN HOLLYWOOD AND HOLLYWOOD DIDN’T EVEN FULLY BELIEVE IN TELEVISION’S LONGEVITY IN THE EARLY DAYS. BARELY. GRACI.

CHAPTER THREE: ONLY ONCE ONE STOPS INDEED

SATURDAY 3.17.2018

9:21PM EST - 9:51PM EST

INTO THE BLUE SKIED WONDER, OVER YONDER, MY TRUE EYES WANDER AND THEN I PONDER; PONDERING ON THE MYSTERY OF IT ALL. AS THE TREE SAUNTERS UNTIL THE TWIGS SPLINTER I REMEMBER, DANIEL SAUNDERS TOLD ME DISSENTERS CAN ONLY YELL TIMBER. I TREMBLE AS LIFE RESEMBLES WHAT WE ARE PROGRAMMED TO THINK. I SINK WHERE THE SUNKEN PLACE NEVER TOUCHES AND YET I CAN NEVER SAY I NEVER TOUCHED IT. I CAN ALSO NEVER SAY I NEVER BRUSHED IT. THANK GOD INDEED THAT I TOUCHED IT FOR THEN I HAD THE CHANCE TO RUSH IT.

TO RUSH THIS MOMENT GIVEN TO ME, AS IT LAY THERE HELPLESS, HELPLESSLY JUST WAITING FOR ME TO ACCEPT IT. WELL ACCEPT THE MOMENTS I DO, EVEN WHEN THEY COME IN TWO’S AND I AM TALKING TERRIBLE, PRONOUNCED “TERRI-BOO”. I THINK ABOUT ME, RELATIVE TO YOU, NOW WHAT ARE WE TO DO? WHAT ARE WE TO DO WITH THE TWO INTER SCRUED GLUED SCREWS? WHEN LIFE GETS SCRAPPY ASK WHAT WOULD SCOOBY DO? IF IT IS ANYBODY’S GUESS THEN BLUE’S CLUES.

IN THIS WORLD THERE ARE THOSE WHO ABUSE THEN MISUSE AND NOT ALWAYS IN THIS ORDER. THEN IN THIS WORLD THERE ARE THOSE WITH INNER ORDER WHO CHOOSE, TO DO BETTER, TO SHOW BETTER, TO GLOW BETTER, IN THEIR HEAD THEY ALWAYS HEAR “MAN NOW YOU KNOW YOU KNOW BETTER”. THEN THEY ARE FORCED TO GALORE BETTER, FORCING THEM TO SOAR BETTER. THIS ONLY MAKES THE WORLD MORE BETTER. IF THAT IS NOT GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT, THEN JUST TAKE OUT MORE LETTERS. MAYBE EVEN FOUR LETTERS.

EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY THERE IS THIS FEELING THAT NEVER LEAVES ME THE FEELING OF I MUST NOT WASTE TODAY. THE FEELING OF I SHOULD HONOR THIS DAY IN SOME WAY. THE FEELING OF NEVER FORGET THIS COULD ALWAYS BE DAY LAST. SPEND THE DAY IN PEACE AND WORK AS MUCH AS YOU HAVE TO IN ORDER TO BUILD YOUR PEACE. THE LAST THING ANYONE WANTS TO DO, IS TO FAIL. FAILURE IS INEVITABLE ONLY ONCE ONE STOPS.

AS LONG AS I DO NOT STOP THEN I CAN NOT FAIL. ULTIMATE FAILURE CAN NOT BE COMMUNICATED WITH AND THE BODY LANGUAGE OF TEMPORARY DEFEAT CAN ALWAYS BE DECIPHERED. EVERY DAY IS A CYPHER AS A LIFER INSIDE LIFE YOU’RE GOING TO BE RESPONDED TO, BY GOD THRU LIFE, SO RESPOND ACCORDINGLY OR FEEL ABSCONDED BY YOUR WIFE.

CHAPTER FOUR: SEXY GRASS

SUNDAY 3.18,2018

12:03AM EST - 12:15AM EST

WHEN I THINK ABOUT HER I GET THE CHILLS. SHE IS THE ONE I WANT. IT IS HER WHOM I WANT TO LEAVE IT ALL BEHIND TO. IT IS HER I WANT TO SPEND MY TIME WITH. IT IS HER I AIM TO DEDICATE MY SPARE TIME TO. IT IS HER WHOM I AIM TO SPARE TIME FOR. TO ME, SHE WAS ALWAYS WORTH MY TIME. I NEVER ONCE DOUBTED HER PERSONALITY. I ALWAYS FAVORED HER MINDSET. HER MINDSET WAS ALWAYS VERY FAVORABLE TO ME.

I ALWAYS FELT AT EASE AROUND HER. I COULD TALK ABOUT HER FOR HOURS. I COULD SPEND DAYS AT A TIME LOST IN THE MEMORIES I HAVE OF HER; THE VERY FEW MEMORIES I HAVE SHARED WITH HER. MEMORIES I HAVE SO VERY FEW OF IN PERSON NEVERTHELESS, THESE SAME THREE MEMORIES PROPELLED ME BACK TO HER. I NEVER KNOW WHICH WAY IT IS ALL GOING TO GO. I JUST KNOW I NEED HER TO SAY IT TO MY FACE.

SHE HAS MY HEART AND I WANT HERS. IF SHE IS UNWILLING TO WILLINGLY HAND IT OVER THEN I WANT TO HEAR THAT TO MY FACE. UNTIL THEN I AM JUST COMPELLED TO PROPEL MYSELF BACK TO HER. IF SHE WANTED ME BACK IN THE FIRST PLACE, BUT HEY SHE DIDN’T WANT ME TO LEAVE IN THE FIRST PLACE. IF I LIVED WHERE SHE LIVED SHE WOULD PROBABLY INVITE ME OVER AGAIN. MORE TRES LECHES.

THIS IS WHAT PROPELS ME. THIS IS WHAT I THINK ABOUT ON MY SPARE TIME. IF I LIVED WHERE SHE LIVED THEN SHE WOULD MOST LIKELY EXPECT ME TO TELL HER SO SHE CAN BAKE A CAKE FOR US. THIS IS WHAT I THINK ABOUT TO KEEP ME INSPIRED TOWARDS MORE PRODUCTIVE ACTION. THIS IS WHAT KEEPS ME HEAVILY MOTIVATED. I WANT TO SEE WHAT SHE DOES WHEN I SLIDE BACK UP ON HER SEXY GRASS. YES! THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANT TO SEE INDEED. I THINK OF LITTLE MORE. I CAN NOT HELP THE FACT SHE IS SPECIAL. I CAN NOT HELP THE FACT I SEE HOW SPECIAL SHE IS. THEREFORE I CAN NOT HELP THE FACT I HOLD HER DEAR TO MY HEART. I HOLD HER AS NEAR TO MY HEART AS CAN POSSIBLY BE.

IF SHE DOESN’T WANT MY HEART THEN SHE DOESN’T WANT MY HEART AND I CAN NOT HELP SUCH A HEARTBREAKING FACT. HOWEVER, SHE IS GOING TO HAVE TO BLURT SUCH A CRUEL UTTERANCE OUT IN MY BEAUTIFUL FACE. I WANT TO HEAR THOSE  RIDICULOUS WORDS LIVE. WHEN I THINK ABOUT HER, I THINK ABOUT MY INHERITANCE. I CAN ONLY TRUST ONE PERSON WITH THE RESPONSIBILITY OF RAISING MY HEIR. I WOULD TRUST HER. GRACI.

CHAPTER FIVE: SOME THINGS YOU LEARN

FROM OVER EXPOSURE (CHUCKLES)

SUNDAY 4.1.2018

1:23PM EST - 2:29PM EST

I SPENT AN ENTIRE HOUR WRITING ENTRY NUMBER FIVE A FEW DAYS AGO, AFTER A TEN DAY STINT WITHOUT DOCUMENTING AN ENTRY. ENTRY FIVE, TAKE TWO. SINCE THEN THE SADNESS HAS WORSENED. IMAGINE HAVING THE GIFTS OF THE STARS AND FEELING CURSED FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD. THE MEMORIES OF MOLESTATION NEVER LEAVE ME. THE AWFUL MEMORIES I SHARE WITH MYSELF. THE HORRENDOUSLY STUPIFYING EMOTIONS I SHARE WITH MY PAST.

    I GUESS IT IS SAFE I DID THIS TO MYSELF. AS A CHILD I SCARRED MYSELF. AS A CHILD I EMOTIONALLY CHARRED MYSELF. I DID THINGS TO MYSELF THAT WOULD HAUNT ME FOR THE REST OF MY DAYS. IT IS A WONDER TO ME IT DID NOT CATCH UP TO ME UNTIL BETWEEN 25 AND 28. BY 25 IT HAD SURFACED AND AT 28 IT LEAKS FROM THE PORES.

    I MEAN LIKE, I SPENT THE ENTIRE MOONLIGHT CRYING. I HAD BEEN UP TOO LONG. I HAVE LEARNED TO SLEEP THE SADNESS AWAY. MAYBE IT DOES NOT EVEN SWEEP THE SADNESS AWAY AT ALL. MAYBE I ONLY GO TO SLEEP SAD. MAYBE I ONLY DOZE OFF ONCE I AM HEAVILY EXASPERATED OR HEAVILY CALM. MAYBE I ONLY SEDATE MYSELF TO PACIFY THE URGE TO JUST CRUSH MY OWN SKULL.

MY HEART IS CRUSHED AND MY MIND IS SHOCKED. MY SOUL IS A TARGET. THERE WERE PLANS MADE WITHOUT MY PRESENCE TO RENDER MY SOUL INEFFECTIVE. THERE IS A SPACE IN MY BRAIN, FILLED WITH NOTHING BUT PAIN AND RESENTMENT. THE MOMENT I STOP MOVING, MY BRAIN IS ATTACKED BY SUCH A SPACE AND IT IS ENDLESS. EVERY STEP TAKEN IS ONE STEP FURTHER FROM THE PAIN. BUT THEN AGAIN THE PAIN ITSELF HAS LEGS. THESE LEGS FOLLOW ME. THEY SCURRY AFTER ME; THEY NEVER LET ME GO. THEY WON’T STOP MOVING RIGHT BEHIND ME. THE TEARS BLUR THE SIGHT, GRAMMAR CHECK.

I HAVE COME TO REALIZE, THIS PAIN SHADOW, IS MY BEST FRIEND. HE I ALWAYS THERE TO MAKE ME CRY. NO ONE HUMBLES ME MORE THAN MY PAIN BODY. IT HITS A POINT WHERE I AM SO SAD, I CAN NOT HELP BUT LAUGH EVERY FEW MINUTES FOR A FEW SECONDS. IT MIGHT JUST BE A BLURT. IT MAY ARRIVE IN THE FORM OF A LONG GIGGLE OR EVEN A SUPER CHUCKLE. BUT THE FACT REMAINS, I AM LAUGHING AT MYSELF.

I AM LAUGHING AT WHAT I DID TO MYSELF. I AM LAUGHING AT THE FACT I FEEL CURSED. I AM LAUGHING AT THE FACT I CAN BARELUY MUSTER THE STRENGTH TO BRAVE FACE FOR 24HOURS STRAIGHT. THERE COMES A TIME WHEN I FIND MYSELF ALL ALONE, THERE IS NO ONE TO WATCH ME. THERE IS NO ONE TO DISTRACT ME.

NOW IT HAS ME; I AM GRIPPED. I AM GRIPPED BY MEMORIES NO ONE WOULD WANT. THEY FLASH ON TO THE SCREEN ONE BY ONE AND THEN I AM DONE. I NOW FIND MYSELF ON THE RUN. ON THE RUN IN THE SUN IT WAS NEVER FUN NOR FUNNY. NOW I FIND MYSELF WISHING I COULD TRADE PLACES WITH HONEY. VANESSA HONEY MALONE, THE ONE AND ONLY. ONLY NOW SHE IS ONE WITH THE COSMOS WHILE HER BODY LAY IN THE GRAVE. I WISH I COULD TRADE HER PLACE.

I WOULD BRING HONEY BACK IF I COULD. AND IF I COULD THEN I WOULD BE SO KIND. AS TO TRADE HER LIFE BACK TO EARTH FOR 60 MORE YEARS IN EXCHANGE FOR MINE 6 YEARS AGO. LORD KNOWS, IF I COULD, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN DONE BY NOW. I WOULD DO IT NOW. IF THERE WERE A BUTTON I COULD PRESS TO END MY OWN LIFE I WOULD PRESS IT RIGHT NOW. I WOULD DISAPPEAR. IF THERE WERE A MIRROR I COULD CRACK AND THE SIDE EFFECT WAS I WOULD DISAPPEAR AND NEVER BE ALLOWED BACK, I WOULD BE SWEEPING UP SHATTERED GLASS RIGHT NOW.

I AM THE LAST PERSON WHO SHOULD GET THE PRIVILEGE OF SEEING A WORMHOLE OR A STARGATE OR A BLACK HOLE. OR IS A BLACK HOLE AND A WORMHOLE THE SAME THING? IF I EVER PASSED AN ENERGETIC PORTAL, I WOULD NOT PASS IT UP. I WOULD POST A PICTURE OF IT AND SAY GOODBYE TO PLANET EARTH.

I FEEL TRAPPED HERE. BUT THE TRUTH IS I AM NOT TRAPPED HERE. TO FEEL TRAPPED HERE WHEN I AM ONLY HERE FOR AN UNSPECIFIED AMOUNT OF TIME IS UTTERLY RIDICULOUS. IT IS THE MOST RIDICULOUS THING I COULD ORALLY SPURT. THE VOCALIZED FRUSTRATIONS OF A LIFE TIME OF CONTEMPLATION. CONTEMPLATING THE COMPLEX COMPLICIITY I SHOWED MYSELF IN MY OWN CHILDHOOD.

AS AN ADULT I CHOSE TO REBEL AGAINST THE SOCIALLY CORRUPT ELEMENTS OF SOCIETY DUE TO THE CORRUPTION I WAS OVER EXPOSED TO AS A CHILD. WHO WANTS TO LIVE FOR 89 YEARS WITH MEMORIES THEY DO NOT EVEN FEEL COMFORTABLE DETAILING? I FEEL COMFORTABLE DETAILING EVERYTHING ELSE IT WOULD SEEM.

I HAVE COME TO ACCEPT MY PAIN BODY AS A DEAR FRIEND. WITHOUT MY PAIN BODY, WHERE WOULD I BE? WOULD I EVEN CARE? WOULD I EVEN BE COMPASSIONATE? WOULD I STRESS OVER OTHER PEOPLE INSTEAD OF OVER STRESS OTHER PEOPLE? WOULD I EVEN KNOW HOW TO LOVE? WOULD I EVEN KNOW HOW TO CHERISH? WOULD I EVEN KNOW HOW TO SHOW AFFECTION? IF DARK CLOUDS DID NOT LOOM OVER ONE’S HEAD, WOULD ONE EVEN CHOOSE TO RADIATE LIGHT?

THEY ASK ME WHILE I NEVER RELEASE MY JOURNALS? MAYBE JOURNALISM IN THAT SENSE OF THE WORD IS SOMETHING I DO TO STOP FROM CRUSHING MY SKULL AGAINST A WALL. IF THEY EVER ASKED THEMSELVES WHY I CHOSE TO ENTER AND LEAVE POLITICS HONEST? IT IS BECAUSE I HAD A DEATHWISH. SUICIDE IS NEVER AN OPTION. THE ONE TIME I SERIOUSLY RESEARCHED IT, I RAN ACROSS THE SUICIDE FOREST IN JAPAN THEN DECIDED AGAINST IT. THEN THE DOME HOLDING THE ROOM’S LIGHT BULBS CRASHED TO THE GROUND.

WAS THAT AN ANGEL OR A DEMON SENDING ME MESSAGES? THE DEMONS KNOW I AM NOT ON THEIR SIDE AND SO THEY CONSIDER ME AN ENEMY. THE DEVIL WULD LOVE ME ON HIS SIDE. BUT I AM NOT ON HIS SIDE. I NEVER WILL BE. I WILL DIE A GOOD MAN. I WANT TO DIE GREAT. I WANT THE MAJORITY OF THE PEOPLE I HAVE MET TO HAVE GREAT MEMORIES OF ME. I DON’T WANT TOO MANY FLAWED STORIES TO BE ELIGIBLE FOR CIRCULATION.

I JUST WANTED TO SPEND MY LIFE MAKING OTHER PEOPLE FEEL GOOD. THE WHOLE ENTIRE TIME I MYSELF FELT HORRIBLE. I WAS THE ONE WHO NEEDED HELP. FIRST THING I AM GOING TO DO WHEN I EARN A MILLION DOLLARS IS PUT 100,000$ INTO A THERAPY ACCOUNT. I FEEL HOSTAGE TO MY OWN DESTINY. I WAS DEFINITELY DESTINED TO UNDERGO THESE EXPERIENCES. THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT THAT BUT TO FACE IT.

THEY ONLY SAW ME AS WEIRD, THE LIFE I WAS SUBJECTED TO WAS NEVER NORMAL. LITTLE ABOUT MY CHILDHOOD WAS IN FACT NORMAL. FEW ASPECTS OF MY LIFE ARE NORMAL. THE DETAILS OF MY LIFE WILL MAKE YOU LAUGH OVER AND OVER AGAIN. I STILL CONSIDER MYSELF EASY TO RELATE TO. IF YOU ONLY STOPPED FOR PLEASANT CONVERSATION. I EXPERIENCED A SLEW OF STRANGE SITUATIONS.

THERE ARE ONLY SO MANY STRANGE EXPERIENCES ONE CAN HAVE BEFORE THEY BEGIN TO APPEAR STRANGE. I APPEAR STRANGE BECAUSE WHAT I HAVE SEEN HAS NEVER BEEN NORMAL. ON THE GOOD SIDE AND THE BAD SIDE I HAVE SEEN THE STRANGEST THINGS. I WILL EITHER DIE GREAT OR EVIL. IT IS ALL UP TO ME. IT IS MY DESTINY TO MAKE MY OWN CHOICE. I HAVE ALREADY MADE MY OWN CHOICE. I AM TEAM LIGHT.

THERE IS SO MUCH ON THE SHOULDERS TO BE GREAT. EVER SINCE I WAS SEVEN YEARS OLD, OTHER PEOPLE’S PARENTS WOULD REPEAT THE SAME ADMONITION TO ME; “YOU WILL DO GREAT THINGS ONE DAY’ “YOU WILL BE GREAT ONE DAY.” ‘YOU WILL DO GREAT THINGS WHEN YOU GET OLDER.” THAT IS A HUGE BURDEN. BY THE TIME I TURNED EIGHT-TEEN I WAS GETTING THOSE SAME ADMONITIONS FROM MY CUSTOMERS AT MY FIRST JOB. I WOULD SAY SOMETHING SO REFRESHING TO THEM IN CONVERSATION, THEY WOULD JUST GIVE ME THIS LOOK.

THEY WOULD LOOK AT ME LIKE THEY HAD SEEN ME BEFORE. THEY WOULD LOOK AT ME LIKE THEY HAVE NEVER SEEN SOMEONE LIKE ME BEFORE. IT WOULD BE THIS LOOK, LIKE I LOOKED FAMILIAR. I WOULD WATCH THEM NOTICE SOMEHING ABOUT ME THEY COULDN’T QUITE PUT THEIR FINGER ON. I WOULD WATCH THEM NOTICE SOMETHING ABOUT ME MAKING THEM FEEL THE NEED TO ENCOURAGE WITH ADMONITIONS. BACK THEN I DID NOT GET IT. NOT AT SEVEN AND NOT AT EIGHT-TEEN.

NOW THAT I AM INTO POLITICAL SUBSTANCE AND AIM TO MARTYR MYSELF, NOW I GET IT.

NO MAN IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD CONSCIOUSLY AIM TO MAKE A MARTYR OF HIMSELF. WHY ME? WHY DO I DO IT? WHAT MAKES ME SO SCARRED? AS MUCH AS I HAVE A WAY WITH WORDS, SOME THINGS ARE BEST LEFT UNSAID. SOME EXPERIENCES ARE INDESCRIBABLE. SOME EXPERIENCES DO NOT NEED GREAT DETAIL. MY CHILDHOOD WAS LITTERED WITH SCATTERED AND CONSTANTLY SMOTHERING WITH NUMEROUS ACCOUNTS OF MOLESTATION AND I FEEL I MAY HAVE LET THOSE PEOPLE DOWN.  

THEY TOLD ME I WOULD BE GREAT ONE DAY. THEY NEVER TOLD ME I WOULD EXPERIENCE GREAT PAIN. THEY NEVER EVEN KNEW I WAS GOING THRU IT THEN AND WASN’T EVEN AWARE OF IT MYSELF. WHEN THEY MET ME I WAS ALREADY ON MY WAY TO OVER EXPOSURE DUE TO MY OWN CURIOSITY. MY BRAIN OPERATED QUICKLY AND I FOUND MYSELF QUICKLY OVER EXPOSED. THEY NEVER TOLD ME ONE DAY I WOULD PRAY FOR DEATH EVERY DAY. THEY NEVER WARNED ME. THEY NEVER TOLD ME THE DEVIL WOULD USE MY FEARS AND MY BAD CHOICES TO HAUNT ME. SOMETHINGS I HAD TO LEARN ON MY OWN I GUESS.

CHAPTER SIX: OF A FLY

SUNDAY 4.1.2018

3:57PM EST - 4:40PM EST

WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE? THE PEACE INBETWEEN THE TEARS ARE A RARE PLEASURE. IT IS EASY TO APPRECIATE THE PEACE YOU CAN FIND WHEN THE PAIN BODY CAN NOT FIND YOU. THE PAIN BODY IS MERCILESS. HE JUST DELIVERS BLOW AFTER BLOW. HE JUST DELIVERS ANOTHER BLOW AFTER ANOTHER BLOW. THERE SHE BLOWS. I CALL IT A BLOW BECAUSE THE MEMORY ALONE FORCES MY HEAD BACK. FEELS LIKE I AM IN FRAME 313 AND 1963.

I HAVE LEARNED TO BE VERY CHILL ABOUT IT. I TAKE IT LIKE A CHAMP. THE OLD ROPE A DOPE. RUMBLE, YOUNG MAN RUMBLE. ONLY I KNOW HOW IT FEELS. ONLY I KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO ME. THE WORD GREEK COMES TO MIND. IF YOU CAN GET THAT. WHAT MORE CAN I SAY?

    I AM TRAPPED INSIDE OF A BUBBLE. THE BUBBLE IS ONE OF GREAT DESTINY. INSIDE THE DESTINY LAY GREAT TRAGIC MOMENTS THAT CATALYZED WHO I AM TODAY. TODAY I WONDER WOULD I STILL BE ME HAD I NOT BEEN CATALYZED? THESE DAYS I COME TO GRIPS WITH THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COIN. THE GREAT BRAIN VS THE GREAT PAIN. THE PAIN INSIDE THE GREAT BRAIN MUST ALSO BE GREAT. THERE MUST BE CHECKS AND BALANCES. THERE MUST BE STOP LOSSES. THERE MUST BE AN ECOSYSTEM.

    I TRY TO SEE THE EXCITEMENT ABOUT IT ALL. I REMAIN VIGILANT IN MY EFFORTS. AT WORK THEY CAUGHT ME ZONING OUT FOLDING MAKE UP BOX CRINKLE PAPER. I FOLD AND FOLD AND FOLD UNTIL THE TABLE IS FULL OF DOUBLE STACKS OF PAPER. THEN I CLEAR THE TABLE OF THE PAPER AND START AGAIN. I FILL UP BOXES FULL OF FOLDED STACKS OF PAPER. MY FIRST MANAGERS CALLED IT LASER FOCUS. THEY NEVER KNEW IT STEMS FROM A GREAT PAIN THAT CAUSES A RESTLESSNESS. IF I STOP MOVING I MIGHT CRY. IT IS DEFINITELY SOME BULLSPIT. I CAN STARE OFF INTO THE DISTANCE FOR AN HOUR AND BARELY MOVE. OR I COULD PACE BACK AND FORTH FOR AN HOUR TRYING TO COME TO GRIPS WITH IT ALL.

WHEN I AM NOT WORKING I JUST TRY TO WRITE AND SLEEP. SLEEP AND WRITE. SLEEP A LITTLE MORE. WRITE A LITTLE MORE. WRITE UNTIL YOU CAN MUSTER THE FORCE TO NOT BE SAD. WRITE THE SADNESS AWAY. WRITE ABOUT THE SADNESS IF NEED BE. WRITE ABOUT WHATEVER YOU WANT. POUR YOUR HEART OUT ON THE PAGE. TELL THEM WHAT THEY DO NOT KNOW. TELL THEM WHAT THEY SUSPECT. TELL THEM WHAT SOME EXPECT TO HEAR.

THERE ARE MANY INSIDE JOKES I GUESS I HAVE BEEN KEEPING SECRET. THE GREATEST SECRET ABOUT ME IS THE GREAT FLOOD WITHIN. THERE IS A SHELL SHOCK ABOUT ME YOU MAY NOT NOTICE IN PERSON. HAD I NOT LEFT ANY DOCUMENTATION ON IT I WOULD HAVE DIED WITH SUCH SECRETS.

I FEEL A NAP COMING ON. I LIKE WATCHING MOVIES. I LIKE WATCHING MOVIES I WATCHED WHEN MY DAD WAS SOMEWHERE NEAR. THE 1990’S. ADAM SANDLER MOVIES. JIM CARREY. I HAVE EVEN BEEN WATCHING TITANIC. I WATCH FACE OFF WITH JOHN TRAVOLTA AND NICHOLAS CAGE. I WATCH CON AIR. BIG DADDY, LIAR LIAR, THE MASK, BAD BOYS, MEN IN BLACK, I LIKE TO LEARN TOO. MOST TIMES NOW I FIND MYSELF WATCHING HISTORICAL DOCUMENTARIES ABOUT A LOT OF WACKADOO.

A BRAIN LIKE THIS MUST BE PRODUCTIVE OR CHILL AT ALL TIMES. I DO WHATEVER I CAN DO TO FIND A PEACE. ONCE I STOP MOVING EVERYTHING JUST ATTACKS ME. MORE OFTEN THAN NOT, THE FIRST THOUGHT FOLLOWING THE BLESSING THAT IS WAKING BACK UP, IS THAT I AM STILL HERE AND I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE PAIN ANOTHER DAY. ANOTHER DAY AS ME, YIPPIE COW YAY.

I WISH I HAD A BUTTON TO ZAP MYSELF EVERYTIME THE SADNESS HIT ME. I WOULD BE ZAPPING MYSELF OUT. I WOULD BE ZAPPED OUT. IT WOULD SOUND LIKE THE DEATH OF A FLY IN THIS RUBBER-RUBBER. I PONDER ON INVENTIONS THAT WOULD CALM THE PAIN IN THE BRAIN. I PONDER ON WAYS TO HEAL THE INSULA. THE AFFECTS OF THE OVER EXPOSURE CREATED A PARADIGM IN MY BRAIN IN WHICH THE DEVIL USES TO ATTACK ME. THERE IS JUST A SPACE FULL OF PAIN USED TO HURT ME FROM WITHIN. THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COIN IS I CAN ZONE OUT FOR HOURS AND DO WHATEVER I WANT. BECAUSE ONCE I FINALLY DO STOP FOLDING THAT PAPER, WHATEVER THE PAPER OF THE MOMENT MAY BE, THE PAIN IS RIGHT THERE. SO I MIGHT AS WELL JUST BE PRODUCTIVE ABOUT IT ALL. THEN GO TO SLEEP. THEN THINK ABOUT HER. AND WONDER IF SHE IS STILL THINKING ABOUT ME? YOU’LL-YOU’LL NEVER KNOW.   

CHAPTER SEVEN: DOUBLE STACKS OF CRINKLE PAPER

SUNDAY 4.1.2018

6:18PM EST - 6:48PM EST

I CALL IT DOUBLED STACKED CRINKLE PAPER SYNDROME. THE FOCUS IS MIXED WITH THE PAIN. IT TOOK YEARS TO NOTICE. OTHER PEOPLE SAW PIECES OF IT. THEY WOULD SAY THINGS LIKE WHEN I COMMIT TO SOMETHING I DO IT. COULD I DO THAT WITHOUT HAVING SOMETHING I DID NOT WANT TO FOCUS ON HANGING OVER HEAD? AW I WONDER. THE MOMENT I STOP DOING ANYTHING IT IS RIGHT THERE. IS THAT NOT A CHARACTERISTIC OF REAL FRIENDSHIP?

    IT IS A REAL CHUCKLE. THE JOKE IS THERE IS NO WHERE TO ESCAPE TO. I TAKE MYSELF WITH ME. ALL I CAN DO IS BE THE BEST PERSON I COULD BE WHERE EVER I AM AT. THE BEST PERSON I COULD BE TO OTHERS AND TO MYSELF. HAKUNA MATATA. SOMETIMES BAD THINGS HAPPEN AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN ABOUT IT. BUT I CAN’T TURN MY BACK ON THE WORLD. I CAN ONLY TURN MY BACK ON CORRUPTION. CORRUPTION AS AN IDEA. CORRUPT IDEAS AND CORRUPT FACTIONS MUST GO. FOR THERE IS NOTHING THAT CAN BE DONE ABOUT WHAT I HAVE SEEN.

    SO WHAT IS SEEN FROM HERE ON OUT MUST BE THAT OF A DOG FIGHT. I HEARD YOU STEVE LAST WEEK WHAT YOU HAD SAID ABOUT WHEN THE MILLENILLIALS TAKE POWER. ALL I CAN DO IS DEDICATE MY ADULTHOOD TO BEING THE BEST MARTYR I CAN BE. THAT SPACE IN THERE MUST BE FILLED WITH SOMETHING. I TAKE THE SPACE AND I POUR MY HEART OUT. I LEAK THE PAIN INTO PROJECT AFTER PROJECT AFTER PROJECT.

    FOR YEARS, NON STOP. THE MOMENTUM IS AMAZING. IT WAS SPURRED FROM THE PAIN. THAT WAS THE INSIDE JOKE. I HAD FEW OTHER OPTIONS. WHAT ELSE COULD I DO BUT BE PRODUCTIVE? I USED THE PAIN. OH I USED THE MOST OUT OF THE PAIN. THIS PAIN WAS THOROUGHLY UTILIZED. I FELT EXTREMELY COMPELLED TO RIGHT WRONGS. I CAN HONESTLY SAY I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE. I AM JUST TAKING IT DAY BY DAY WITH THE FUTURE IN MIND.

WITHOUT MY WRITING I WOULD BE A LIAR. IN PERSON I HIDE IT AS MUCH AS THEY JUDGE ME. I DIDN’T TAKE A STRANGER’S APPRECIATION FOR GRANTED. IF THEY EVER NOTICED ANYTHING ELSE IN MY EYES, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN THE SUPPRESSION. THERE WAS SO MUCH I WAS HIDING. SO MANY THINGS I DIDN’T WANT YOU TO NOTICE. WITHOUT THE WRITING YOU WOULDN’T REALLY KNOW ANYTHING.

I TALK ABOUT IT WHEN I WANT TO IN FRONT OF CERTAIN PEOPLE BUT TO MOST PEOPLE? NAH. NOT AT ALL. NO COMPRENDE. THE LIFE I LIVED WAS AMAZING. IT TRULY WAS. I WAS BORN WITH A MISSION AND TAK TRIED TO TURN ME. TAK FAILED. WHOEVER CONTROLS TAK FAILED. I DID GET SCARRED. NOW I SEE NOTHING BUT THE MISSION. HARDY HAR-HAR

CHAPTER EIGHT: THAT NEED TO BE DONE

MONDAY 4.2.2018

12:39AM EST - 1:29AM EST

I WONDER WHEN IT WILL ALL END. I WONDER JUST HOW IT WILL ALL END. DOES IT EVER END? DO I EVER FIND THE PEACE WITHIN? AND SO, SUCH IS MY LIFE. I STARE AT THE WALL. I STARE INTO THE DARKNESS. I STARE OUTSIDE WHILE STANDING ON THE WOODEN PORCH BENCH. I STARE AT THE CEILING IN MY ROOM. I STARE PAST THE ROOF WHILE OUTSIDE ON THE BENCH. I STARE AT THE HEAT WAVES OUTLINING THE HOUSE ROOF. I STARE AT THE TREES. I STARE AT THE VERY TIP OF THE TREES.

    I CAN NOT HELP BUT WONDER WHY I AM STILL HERE. AM I BEING PUNISHED? WHAT AN UNGRATEFUL WAY TO EMOTE. THE HARDEST THINGS FOR ME TO DO ARE EATING AND SLEEPING. I MAY EAT ONCE A DAY. MOST TIMES I EAT TWICE SPREAD OUT TWELVE HOURS APART. I MAY EAT ONCE EVERY EIGHT HOURS. I RARELY EAT THREE MEALS A DAY.

    GOOD SLEEP DOES SO MUCH FOR ME. A FRESH MIND HELPS ME KEEP THE MIND UNDER CONTROL. WHEN MY MIND IS FRESH THE MENTAL DEPTH IS STILL THERE. THE DARK THOUGHTS ARE RIGHT THERE, WAITING FOR ME TO SLIP UP. IT IS THEN UP TO ME TO SEE MY DAY THRU WITH OPTIMISM. IT HAS NEVER BEEN AN EASY THING FOR ME TO WIND THIS MIND DOWN.

THIS MIND WILL RACE AT 200MPH FOR THE DURATION OF MY WAKING LIFE. WHATEVER THOUGHTS GO INTO MY BRAIN FROM OTHER PEOPLE, THE THOUGHTS GET CIRCULATED INTO A DEEP WELL OF THOUGHT WITHIN MY BRAIN THEN POP BACK UP AS MY RESPONSE. I TRY TO STAY AWAY FROM TOO MUCH UNPRODUCTIVE CONVERSATION. IT WILL JUST MESS WITH MY MIND. THIS MIND CAN NOT TAKE TOO MUCH SHALLOW CONVERSATION. NOT SHALLOW AS IN BAD, JUST SHALLOW AS IN NOT DEEP ENOUGH TO KEEP IT AFLOAT. OR DO YOU FLOAT TOO?

NO MATTER WHAT I DO, I STILL HAVE TO WATCH IT ALL TAKE SHAPE. SO I WILL BE HERE WATCHING MYSELF DEAL WITH ALL OF THIS MUMBO JUMBO THAT HAS BECOME THE SPRING LIFE. MARTY SPRINGS. CHUCKLES. OH WHAT SHALL BECOME OF ME? WHO WILL I BECOME? I LAUGH AT THE MERE THOUGHT. MY MIND ONLY GOES BLANK WHEN I DO NOT WANT TO REVEAL HOW I FEEL.

LIFE HAS AN EXTREMELY MYSTICAL QUALITY TO IT, AT LEAST TO ME IT DOES. WHEN I STARE OUT INTO THE NOTHINGNESS OR INTO THE SKY, I SEE DIVINE PLANS I MYSELF AM A PART OF. I SEE A PLAN UNFOLDING FOR ALL AND I AM WITHIN MY OWN JOURNEY. I FEEL MANY THINGS IMPENDING IMPACT YET I JUST CAN NOT SEE THEM. I CAN ONLY FEEL THEM. I FEEL EVERYTHING COMING TO ME, BEYOND THE HORIZON, I JUST CAN NOT SEE THE SHORES.I SEE NO SHIPS, I ONLY FEEL THE CHANGE OF WINDS.

THIS LIFE HAS ALWAYS BEEN SPLIT BETWEEN GREAT SUCCESS AND GREAT PAIN. ALL OF MY MEMORIES ARE IN ONE OF THE TWO CATEGORIES. THE MOST WONDERFUL EXPERIENCES AND THE WORST. GOING BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN THE TWO FOR TWENTY-EIGHT YEARS CAN LEAVE ONE EXASPERATED. I AM. GOING BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN THE TWO FOR ALMOST THREE DECADES HAS ALSO LEFT ME VERY HUMBLED BY THE BATTLE.

I HAVE A RESPECT FOR THE HUMAN CONDITION. I HAVE A RESPECT FOR THE PEOPLE WHOM I MEET. I MAKE A PACT TO MYSELF, NEVER TO HARM THEM. NEVER FOUL THEM. I FORCE MYSELF TO BE AS GENUINE TO THEM AS I CAN BE. I PULL IT OUT OF MYSELF. EVERYTHING I DO TO SOMEONE MUST BE WHAT I WOULD WANT THEM TO DO TO ME. SOMETIMES I FAIL. I MAKE AN HONEST EFFORT EACH AND EVERY DAY. WHEN I AM AROUND OTHER PEOPLE, NOT ONLY IS IT A DISTRACTION FROM THE PAIN ITSELF, IT IS ALSO MY CHANCE TO DISPLAY MY GROWTH TO THE COSMOS. THEY THOUGHT I WAS SO NICE AND POLITE, WHEN IN REALITY, I JUST DID NOT WANT TO BURN IN HELL. I FELT CURSED BY MY OWN PERSONAL EXPERIENCES. I HAVE STARTED TO GO INSIDE OF THAT SPACE IN THE BRAIN WHERE THE PAIN SITS AND I STARE AT IT. I ENVISION THE THREE YEAR STORAGE OF WPG I HAVE IN MY BLOOD FILLING UP THAT SPACE INSIDE THE BRAIN. I GO INSIDE OF THAT SPACE AND I PAINT IT WITH THOUGHTS. I VISUALIZE MY INSULA HEALING. I VISUALIZE MY CEREBRAL CORTEX IN LESS PAIN.

I GO INSIDE OF THE SPACE NOW AND JUST STARE AT IT. I STARE OFF INTO THE SPACE IN THERE. I GO IN THERE AND WALK AROUND. I WALK INSIDE OF THE SPACE WITH HOOTSPA. I HAVE COME TO SEE THIS IS A MISSION I CHOSE. IT WAS CHOSEN FOR ME OF COURSE BUT I BELIEVE I WAS WARNED. THIS LIFE HAD TO HAVE COME WITH A SPIRITUAL DISCLAIMER. WARNING, THIS LIFE WILL HAUNT YOU BUT YOU WILL BE HAUNTED TO DO GREAT THINGS. GREAT THINGS THAT NEED TO BE DONE.

CHAPTER NINE: THE WAY IT LEANS

MONDAY 4.2.2018

2:20AM EST - 3:01AM EST

AFTER AWHILE I HAVE SAID ENOUGH TO HAVE GOTTEN MOST OF IT OFF OF MY CHEST. AFTER AWHILE THE PAIN BEGINS TO HUMOR ME. IT BEGINS TO HUMOR ME ONCE I REALIZE IT IS NOT GOING ANYWHERE. IT IS AN IMPETUS. IT IS MY IMPETUS. MY EARLY YEARS WERE CATALYZED WITH IMPETUS AND NOW AS AN ADULT I FEEL VERY INTENSE. I WOULD HAVE TO APPEAR VERY INTENSE ON PAPER. IN PERSON? I DO NOT KNOW, IT DEPENDS ON WHAT YOU SEE ME DOING AND WHAT YOU GET ME TO SAY.

AFTER AWHILE I GET USED TO JUST STAYING LAID ON THE BED THINKING EVEN THOUGH I WANT TO GET UP. I WANT TO GET UP TO ATTEMPT TO GET IT OFF OF MY MIND UNTIL I FIND MYSELF JUST WATCHING THE DEEP SPACE. I WATCH IT AND AS I WATCH IT I HONESTLY FEEL MORE CONTROL OVER IT. IT CAN NOT SNEAK UP ON ME IF I AM STARING RIGHT AT IT. IF IT TRIES ANYTHING THEN WE HAVE A DOG FIGHT; BLOW FOR BLOW.

AFTER AWHILE I JUST GET USED TO IT. WHERE WOULD AMBITION BE WITHOUT IMPETUS? WHAT WOULD I WANT FROM LIFE AND MYSELF HAD I NOT SEEN WHAT I HAD? MAKES ME SCRATCH THE PEANUT HEAD EVERY TIME. I FILL THE PARADIGM WITH DEEP-WILLED THOUGHTS. I PAINT THE SPACE WITH PLOTS TO CHANGE THE COURSE OF HUMAN HISTORY. MY WAY OF SAYING THANK YOU TO THE COSMOS.

THANK YOU FOR THE CHANCE TO USE THIS BRAIN. THANK YOU FOR THE CHANCE TO BEHOLD THIS BRAIN. THANK YOU FOR SENDING ME THOUGHTS. THANK YOU FOR RESPONDING TO MY THOUGHTS. THANK YOU BEING NICE TO ME. THANK YOU FOR NOT INTRODUCING ME TO ANY WILD ANIMALS. THANK YOU FOR ALL OF THE TIMES YOU PROVED YOU LOVED ME. THANK YOU FOR ALL OF THE TIMES YOU SENT SIGNS OF APPRECIATION TO MY PERSON.

THANK YOU FOR SHOWING ME A GREAT TIME. I ONLY WISH I HAD MORE GREAT TIMES. DARK FORCES HAVE FELT THREATENED BY ME FROM THE DAY I WAS BORN. I HAVE HAD ACID SPILLED ON MY PANTS BEFORE.I MAY HAVE BEEN IN MIDDLE SCHOOL, SOMEWHERE CLOSE TO AGE TEN. THE PANTS DID NOT DETERIORATE UNTIL AFTER THEY WERE OFF OF MY BODY.

THE FABRIC OF THE PANTS, WHICH HAPPENED TO BE MY FAVORITE FABRIC, SAVED MY LEGS. GOD SAVED MY LEGS. GOD SAVED MY LIFE. GOD SAVED MY LIFE EVERY SINGLE TIME I ALMOST PERISHED. TEN NDE’S MINIMUM. WHEN I BEGIN TO FEEL UNWORTHY AND UNWANTED, I ASK MYSELF ONE THING. WHY DOES HE STILL HAVE YOU HERE THEN? TIME TO WATCH ANOTHER MOVIE. JUST WATCHED THE LORAX. WHICH WAY DOES THE TREE FALL?