CHAD DIARY ENTRY #4

5:53AM EST - 6:17AM WEDNESDAY FEBRUARY 15TH, 2023 2.15.2023 CHAD XZAVIER HARRIS EMOTIONALLY I FEEL SO LOST INSIDE. I FEEL BROKEN. I FEEL VULNERABLE. I SET MYSELF BACK HORRIBLY IT FEELS. IN CHILDHOOD I ACQUIRED MENTAL ILLNESS. MAJOR DEPRESSIVE DISORDER WITH PSYCHOTIC FEATURES. PTSD. SEVERE ANXIETY. I TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY I WAS THE ONE THERE. I WAS IN THE SITUATIONS. I GOT SCARRED THERE. THE SCARS WILL NEVER HEAL. I WILL NEVER BE FIXED. I WILL WALK THE EARTH WITH THE DISORDERS FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE. I BLAME MYSELF. I SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN INVOLVED IN THOSE SITUATIONS. I WAS THOUGH. NOW MY INVOLVEMENT HAUNTS ME FOREVER. IT NEVER LEAVES. ITS THE FIRST THOUGHT ON MY MIND UPON WAKING UP. IT IS THE LAST THOUGHT IN MIND BEFORE FALLING ASLEEP. I BARELY SLEEP. WHEN I FINALLY CRASH IN BED IM OUT FOR 8-12 HOURS EASY. UNTIL THEN IM OFTEN UP FOR 24 HOURS AT A TIME. I ALWAYS FELT LONELY BC I WAS ALMOST ALWAYS ALONE. NOW THAT IM DIAGNOSED AS PTSD AMONGST OTHER DISORDERS I FEEL EVEN MORE INCREDIBLY LONELY. I FEEL WAY MORE ALONE IN HOW I FEEL INSIDE. I FEEL LIKE NO ONE CAN HELP ME. NOW THAT IT IS AN OFFICIAL DIAGNOSIS I AM SEEKING OUT MORE MENTAL HELP. THE EMOTION IS STAGNATING. THE EMOTION IS EVEN DEBILITATING TO A CERTAIN DEGREE. PARALYZED BY GRIEF. WONDERING WHATS LEFT TO EXPLORE IN LIFE EMOTIONALLY. MY LIFE WAS NEVER FILLED WITH JOY OUTSIDE OF WHEN I AM CREATING. THE OPPORTUNITY TO CREATE ART IS ALL IM LIVING FOR. ITS ALL I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE. ITS THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES ME SMILE APART FROM PLEASURABLE MEMORIES OF MY PAST. APART FROM THE NICE PEOPLE I HAVE MET IN MY LIFE I RARELY SMILE. I HAVE TO MAKE MYSELF SMILE. I HAVE TO INDUCE LAUGHTER BY MAKING FUN OF MYSELF. BY ATTEMPTING TO FIND HUMOR IN MY OWN PAIN AND MISERY. WHATS FUNNY ABOUT IT? NOTHING APART FROM THE FACT IT NEVER LEAVES ME. IM STUCK WITH THESE EMOTIONS FOR LIFE AND THEY ARE NOW MY BEST FRIEND. AT THIS POINT I AM TRYING TO EMBRACE MY DARK MEMORIES. TRYING TO CONSOLE THEM. TRYING NOT TO SEE THEM AS THE BAD GUY. THEY DIDNT CREATE ME. I CREATED THE DARK MEMORIES. THEY BELONG TO ME. THEY ARE MY POSSESSIONS. MY EMOTIONS ARE OF MY OWN DOING I SEE. I AM TRYING TO SHOW MYSELF MORE COMPASSION. I AM TRYING TO SHOW MYSELF MORE LOVE. I AM TRYING TO SHOW MYSELF I LOVE ME STILL. I AM TRYING TO BE MORE GRATEFUL FOR MY LIFE. TRYING TO NOT SEE MY LIFE AS A KARMIC CURSE. TRYING TO SEE MYSELF AS A BLESSING AS IS MY LIFE. TO BE BLESSED TO ENDURE SUCH A CURSE. CAN YOU ENDURE A CURSED LIFE? THE QUESTION OF MY LIFE. CAN I BREAK FREE FROM THE EMOTIONS OF THE CURSE IF NOT THE CURSE ITSELF? WHAT GETS ME OUT OF BED? WHAT DO I THINK OF DOING ONCE I WAKE UP? THIS. JUST EXPRESSING MY REALITY. TRYING TO ACCEPT MYSELF AS THE SUBJECT OF MY ART. CREATING SOMETHING THAT RESONATES WITH ANOTHER WHILE NOT SHYING FROM HOW I ACTUALLY FEEL INSIDE. BEING AS HONEST AS I CAN BE ABOUT WHAT I GO THRU INSIDE IN THE HOPES SOMEONE SOMEWHERE CAN RELATE. EVEN THOUGH THE EMOTIONS ARE SO DARK I WOULDNT WANT ANYONE ELSE TO FEEL THIS WAY. BUT IF SOMEONE ELSE DOES FEEL THIS WAY MAYBE I HELP SHED LIGHT ON THE ISSUE. I THINK ABOUT SUICIDE EVERY DAY. I CONTEMPLATE IT ALL DAY. JUST WONDERING WHEN I HAVE ACTUALLY HAD ENOUGH. WONDERING HOW MUCH HAVE I ACTUALLY DEALT WITH AND HOW MUCH MORE CAN I WITHSTAND? HOW MUCH MORE PAIN WILL I WITHSTAND? WHATS THE POINT OF ENDURING SO MUCH PAIN WITHIN MY BRAIN? THE CONSTANT SCREAMING IN MY HEAD. THE SCREAMS BELONG TO ME. I SCREAM AND YELL WITHIN MY OWN MIND ALL DAY SO IM VERY MOODY. I DONT LIKE TO BE DISTURBED. JUST PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE. DONT TALK TO ME. YOU NEVER SAY ANYTHING THAT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER. SO IN FACT YOU ACTUALLY MAKE ME FEEL WORST. WHAT KIND OF PERSON ARE YOU? YOU HAVE NO ANSWERS FOR ME AND YOUR ADVICE IS MISPLACED AND HIGHLY SUPERFICIAL. YOURE NOT DIAGNOSED AND OR PRESCRIBED WITH DISORDERS OR MEDICATIONS. HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY FEEL MY PAIN? YOU WOULDNT WANT TO. YOULL THROW OFF THE HEADSET SO FAST MAN. YOU COULDNT LAST ONE DAY IN MY MIND. OR MAYBE YOU WOULD JUST LATCH ON THE GENIUS PART AND IGNORE THE MADNESS ASPECT. MY ONLY GOAL IN LIFE.