3:48PMEST - 5:02PM EST...
THURSDAY APRIL 16TH, 2026...
THE FATALIST DIARIES LP...
CHAD BEEBER ON THE TRACK AND THE POST GOOOOOOO...
CHAD BEEBER ON THE TRACK AND THE POST GOOOOOOO...
CHAD BEEBER ON THE TRACK AND THE POST GOOOOOOO...
CHAPTER ONE: I MIGHT BE BI POLAR TWO...
FIRST OFF...IF I AM BIPOLAR TWO...AND IM OPEN ABOUT IT...IT MAKES ME FEEL THEYLL JUST USE IT AS AN EXCUSE TO ANTAGONIZE ME AND THEN BLAME ME FOR MY RESPONSE...IT MAKES ME WANT TO DISCONTINUE ALL COMMUNICATION...THERES NO ONE TO TALK TO ABOUT IT...SO JUST DONT TALK TO ANYONE AND DONT TELL ANYONE ANYTHING...EVER AGAIN...I LEFT THE DISCORD SERVERS...IM NOT ON FACEBOOK...I USE INSTAGRAM FOR UPLOADING ONLY AND EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION...MY PHOJENISNT ON...THERES NO WAY TO CALL ME...IM ALREADY HARD TO CONTACT..,UNLESS YOU HAVE MY INSTA...I HAVENT SEEN OR SPOKEN TO THE MAJORITY OF MY FAMILY MEMBERS IN YEARS...IM AM A VERY RARE SIGHT TO BEHOLD ALREADY.
IT MAKES ME WANT TO RUN AWAY L O L...I WANT TO MOVE BACK TO NEW YORK STATE...SYRACUSE...WHERE I HAVE NO FAMILY...I JUST SURVIVED A COLLAPSED RIGHT LUNG TWICE IN A ROW...AND HEART SURGERY...THE CARDIO VASCULAR PLEURA DESIS PROCEDURE...THEY REMOVED A TOP PIECE OF MY RIGHT LUNG...MY LEFT LUNG COLLAPSED ALREADY...LAST YEAR...THE WEEKEND BEFORE MOTHERS DAY...I KEPT SMOKING FOR ALMOST A YEAR MORE...HENCE THE HEART SURGERY...MY KIDNEY FAILED THREE YEARS AGO...I WAS NEAR DIALYSIS...WHATEVER THAT IS L O L.
I USED TO SAY TO MYSELF...I WAS SMOKING MYSELF TO DEATH...IT ALMOST WORKED...I FELL SHORT A FEW INCHES...I AINT SMOKE ENOUGH...I PROMISED MYSELF ID STOP SMOKING...I CANT PUT MY FAMILY THRU THIS THREE TIMES...THE DOCTORS SAVED MY LIFE TWICE...I CANT KEEP WASTING THEIR TIME...AFTER HEART SURGERY...I REALIZED...IM SUICIDAL BRO...I USED TO SAY...I DONT SELF HARM...BECAUSE I NEVER CUT MYSELF...WELL...WHATS THE ADDICTION TO SMOKING? WHATS THE EFFECT THE THE ACT OF SMOKING HAS ON YOUR ORGANS...DISRUPTION...RUPTURE...IM RUNNING OUT OF ORGANS TO FAIL
IM PROBABLY GOING TO WITHDRAW...MORE SO THAN I AM ALREADY WITHDRAWN...THIS WORLD SUCKS BRO...YOU GET TRAUMATIZED THEN THEY JUST GIVE YOU LABELS...SO IF THE TRAUMA EARNS MY PERSONA LABEL...MAY I LABEL THE WORLD TRAUMATIZING...IF IM BI POLAR AFTER CERTAIN EXPERIENCES...IS THIS WORLD BI POLAR INDUCING?
THE NURSE PRACTICIONER...ALLIE...ASKED ME IF I HAD CHILDREN...HELL NAH
N G G A...WHY WOULD I DO SUCH A THING...I HATE THIS PLANET AND IVE WANTED TO LEAVE THIS B I T C H...FOR A VERY LONG TIME...MOST OF MY ADULT LIFE...I WAS DEALT AN ODD HAND AND IVE BEEN WAITING TO GET EVEN FOR A WHILE...WHY WOULD I BRING AN INNOCENT SOUL...INTO THE LAND OF SPIRITUAL CORRUPTION? THIS ISNT HEAVEN AND THIS ISNT A PARADISE OF ANY KIND...I HAD SEVERAL ENCOUNTERS WITH PEDOFILES AS A KID AND IN MIDDLE SCHOOL...FROM AGES SEVEN TO FOURTEEN...IVE HAD MY FIRST SEXUAL EXPERIENCES...AND IT REALLY CHANGED HOW I INTERPRET LIFE...AND MY OWN EMOTIONS...I NEVER REACHED OUT FOR PROFESSIONAL HELP...THAT WAS MY BIGGEST ERROR...I DIDNT EVEN NOTICE HOW MUCH IT AFFECTED ME...UNTIL I WAS IN MY MID TWENTIES...I DIDNT EVEN WRITE ABOUT IT IN DETAIL...UNTIL AGES 25-27...WHEN THE INTRUSIVE MEMORIES CAME BACK...IN BATTLE FORMATION.
AFTER I MOVED BACK TO GA...FROM NY...THE FIRST TIME...ON VALENTINES DAY...2018...SIX MONTHS BEFORE I STARTED CURRENCY TRADING...IVE BEEN LEARNING TO CURRENCY TRADE...WITH THE INTRUSIVE MEMORIES...IN BATTLE FORMATION..,ATTACKING ME EVERY DAY...I DONT REACH OUT TO ANY FRIENDS I CAN STILL TRUST...WHY WASTE THEIR TIME WITH MY ISSUES...THEY ARE MINE...AND MINE ALONE TO BEAR...THIS IS PURELY MY BURDEN...ALONE...I DEAL WITH IT AS GRACEFULLY AS I CAN...BUT.
I DONT WANT TO BE ALIVE DUDE...IM JUST BIDING MY TIME LIKE JOE...UNTIL CALLS ME THRU THE DOE...I DONT BELIEVE IN SUICIDE...I USED TO THINK I DIDNT BELIEVE IN SELF HARM...AFTER SURGERY...IM REALIZING...I DID BELIEVE IN SELF HARM...I WAS SMOKING...TOBACCO AND MARIJUANA...ALL DAY...AND ALL NIGHT...EACH AND EVERY DAY..,AND EACH AND EVERY NIGHT...I WAS JUST WAITING FOR DEATH TO GRAB ME...MAYBE HES CLOSE...IM NOT SURE...AT THIS POINT...ANYMORE...ON IF ITS REALLY WHAT I ACTUALLY WANT...AS LONG AS GOD WANTS ME ON THIS
S H I T T Y...PLANET...ILL BE HERE...I GUESS...THANK YOU...SINCERELY MINE...CHAD.
No comments:
Post a Comment