Q

 7:38PM EST - 

FRIDAY 9LLLLLLMARCH 15TH, 2024

WRISTS BATHED IN RED SESSION MARKIEREN SESSION TWO

 9:42PM EST - 10:01PM EST

TUESDAY MARCH 12TH, 2024

3.12.2024

WRISTS BATHED IN RED:

 SESSION 

MARKIEREN 

SESSION TWO: I WAS IN YOUR HEAD ALL DAY

  I'M WRITING YOU THIS LETTER TO LET YOU KNOW I'VE SEEN YOUR PAIN ALL DAY TODAY. TODAY WAS A ROUGH DAY FOR YOU. I FELT EVERY BRAIN WAVE. IT WAS ROUGHER THAN USUAL. YOU DIDN'T KNOW HOW YOU WERE GOING TO MAKE IT THRU. BUT YOU DID MAKE IT THRU. I'M REALLY PROUD OF YOU FOR DOING SO. I SEE NOW WHAT YOU GO THRU. THOSE MEMORIES WOULDN'T BE EASY FOR ME TO HANDLE DAILY. 

  I ADMIRE YOU STRENGTH. DAY IN AND DAY OUT WITH HAVING TO DEAL WITH THOSE MEMORIES I SERIOUSLY COMMEND YOU. I WISH I WAS AROUND YOU TODAY TO HELP YOU GET THRU IT. BUT YOU GOT THRU IT WITHOUT MY HELP. I'M JUST TAKING THE TIME TO WRITE YOU THIS LETTER. I FELT YOUR ABANDONMENT ISSUES. I FELT THOSE TEARS. 

  I EXPERIENCED THE SADNESS WITH YOU TODAY ALL DAY. I APOLOGIZE FOR NEVER NOTICING HOW MUCH PAIN YOU WERE IN FROM WHAT YOU GO THRU. HOW COULD I EVER KNOW WHAT YOU NEVER TOLD ME. EVEN HAD YOU TOLD ME HOW YOU FELT ALL DAY YOU MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO DESCRIBE IT EXACTLY THE WAY IT FEELS. IT'S NOT EASY TO PRECISELY ARTICULATE YOUR HUMAN EMOTION. 

  I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU GET THRU YOUR DAY WITH THOSE EMOTIONS. IT'S NOT AN EASY TASK AT HAND. YOU'RE VERY STRONG. IF YOU EVER FEEL WEAK THEN JUST CALL ME. I'VE FINALLY SEEN IT. I WON'T LIE TO YOU. YOUR EMOTIONAL PAIN IS HORRIFYING TO WITNESS. I'M HERE FOR YOU WHENEVER IT GETS OVERWHELMING. I WOULD IMAGINE IT TO BE OVERWHELMING ON A DAILY BASIS. CALL ME EVERYDAY THEN. IT'S OK. 

  YOUR EMOTION MIGHT KEEP ME UP AT NIGHT WONDERING IF YOU'RE OK. I JUST NEED TO KNOW YOU'RE MAINTAINING AN EMOTIONAL BALANCE IN THIS HEAD OF YOURS BC I HAVE BEEN IN THERE ALL DAY AND LET ME TELL YOU I WAS SCARED FOR MY LIFE. YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH SUCH THOUGHTS AND EMOTIONS EVERY SINGLE DAY? I AM SO SURPRISED YOU HAVEN'T JUMPED OFF OF A CLIFF BY NOW. 

  DEALING WITH WHAT YOU DEAL WITH ISN'T EASY AT ALL AND BY ANY MEANS. YOU ARE SO STRONG I MUST ADMIT TO YOU. IT'S GOING TO BE OK. SINCE I'VE SEEN YOUR HORROR MOVIE FIRST HAND NOW WE CAN TALK ABOUT IT. YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO TELL ME WHAT YOU GO THRU ANYMORE. JUST KNOW I'M IN THERE FEELING IT WITH YOU. IT'LL BE OK. CALL ME ANYTIME. 

  

WRISTS BATHED IN RED SESSION MARKIEREN SESSION ONE

5:13PM EST - 6:11PM EST

TUESDAY MARCH 12TH, 2024

3.12.2024

 WRISTS BATHED IN RED:

SESSION

 MARKIEREN SESSION ONE

  ONLY GOD AND MY PARENT'S WILL LOVE ME UNCONDITIONALLY. EVERYONE ELSE'S LOVE WILL WAIVER. HUMANS ARE INCAPABLE OF SHOWING UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. NOT JUST UNCONDITIONAL LOVE BUT A LIFE LONG LOVE. I WOULDN'T ASK YOU TO REMAIN IN MY LIFE AS LONG AS I'M NOT ABUSIVE. WHAT IF YOU'RE ABUSIVE EVEN IF I'M NOT? WHAT IF I NEVER ABUSE YOU AND YOU STILL LEAVE? NOTHING IN THIS REALM IS PERMANENT EXCEPT GOD. 

  NOTHING EXISTS HERE BUT GOD. IF I PLACE MY FAITH IN ANYTHING OR ANYONE BUT GOD I WILL BE PUNISHED. THE IDEA OF PLACING MY HAPPINESS IN ANOTHER PERSON'S HANDS FRIGHTENS ME. SHE'S A HUMAN BEING JUST LIKE ME. HUMAN NATURE TERRIFIES ME. SELF PRESERVATION WILL ALWAYS REIGN SUPREME. A HUMAN WILL ALWAYS LOOK OUT FOR THEIR SELF INTEREST FIRST AND FOREMOST. 

  IT'S IN MY BEST SELF INTEREST TO REMAIN AS LONELY AS POSSIBLE. STAY AS CLOSE TO MYSELF AS POSSIBLE. SHE MAY BE ENOUGH FOR ME. I WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH FOR HER. I'LL NEVER BE ENOUGH FOR HER FOREVER. HUMAN BEINGS WILL ALWAYS CRAVE NEW EXPERIENCES. YOU'LL ALWAYS CRAVE SOMETHING NEW. YOU'LL ALWAYS WANT A NEW ENVIRONMENT. YOU'LL ALWAYS WANT A NEW LOVE. 

  IT'S TOO MUCH FOR ME TO ASK OF HER TO STAY IN MY LIFE UNTIL WE BOTH DIE. WHY WOULD I WANT TO SUFFOCATE HER WITH MY PRESENCE UNTIL SHE DIES? HUMAN EMOTION IS POLYGAMOUS. YOU'LL ALWAYS HAVE EACH EMOTION STORED FOR MORE THAN ONE PERSON AT A TIME. YOU HAVE HATED MORE THAN TWO PEOPLE AT ONCE. 

  YOU HAVE LOVED MORE THAN ONE PERSON AT ONCE. A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP WITH ANOTHER PERSON IS THE GREATEST GAMBLE I CAN EVER TAKE. THE RETURN ON INTEREST ISN'T GUARANTEED. THE DAMAGES HIT ALL CATEGORIES OF LIFE. PSYCHOLOGICAL DAMAGE IS IRREVERSIBLE. YOU CAN'T BUY BACK YOUR TRUST ISSUES. YOU CAN'T BUY BACK YOUR PEACE OF MIND. YOU CAN'T GO BACK TO THE LIGHT HEARTED MIND YOU HAD BEFORE THEY DAMAGED YOU. 

  I LOOK AT HUMAN BEINGS AS WILD BEASTS AND I WANT AS FEW OF THEM AROUND ME AS POSSIBLE. THEY THRIVE OFF OF PHYSICAL PLEASURE. PHYSICAL REALM PLEASURES MOTIVATE THEIR ACTIONS. ALL THEY WANT IS PHYSICAL SENSATION. I AM ONE OF THEM. I KNOW MY JOURNEY HOWEVER. YOU'RE READING MY THOUGHTS RIGHT NOW. YOU HAVE BEEN THIS ENTIRE TIME. DO I SEEM AS THOUGH MY PHYSICAL URGES DRIVE EVERY ONE OF MY ACTIONS. DO I APPEAR AS IF MY PHYSICAL URGES DRIVE THE MAJORITY OF MY ACTIONS? 

  I SPOKE TO A FREE MASON AS A BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM THE UNIVERSE. I TOLD HIM I DON'T THINK ANYONE ACTUALLY EVEN EXISTS AT ALL. I TOLD HIM I BELIEVE THIS LIFE IS A COMBINATION OF THE MATRIX AND INCEPTION. I BELIEVE WE ALL LIVE IN A SHARED DREAM WORLD REALITY WHICH IS A METAPHYSICAL COMPUTER SIMULATION. THE FREE MASON TOLD ME MANY TIMES OVER I AM "SPOT ON". 

  THE FREE MASON SAID I AM WHAT FREE MASONS CALL A "NATURAL MASON". I ASKED HIM WHAT A "NATURAL MASON" EVEN WAS. HE TOLD ME A "NATURAL MASON" NATURALLY LEARNS ESOTERIC OR HIDDEN KNOWLEDGE THE FREE MASONS KNOW. I AM NATURALLY A FREE MASON MINDED INDIVIDUAL. WHICH IS WHY I WROTE THIS BOOK. TO SHARE A "NATURAL MASON" PERSPECTIVE WITH THE WORLD. 

  I TOOK NO OATH. I LEARNED NO SECRETS DIRECTLY. I WASN'T EVER TAUGHT ANYTHING BY A FREE MASON. I JUST LIKE TO STUDY SPIRITUALITY. I CRAVES SPIRITUAL POWER. I WANTED MY SPIRIT AND OR SOUL TO BE AS POWERFUL AS POSSIBLE. I WANTED MENTAL POWER. I WANTED EMOTIONAL POWER. I WANTED POWER OVER MY MIND. I WANTED POWER OVER MY EMOTIONAL BODY. I WANTED POWER WITHIN MY SPIRIT AND OR SOUL. 

  THE KEY TO ENLIGHTENMENT IS SELF KNOWLEDGE. THIS IS WHAT THE FREE MASONS ALWAYS SAID. I WANTED TO KNOW MYSELF. I WOULD HAVE TO BE TRAPPED WITHIN YOUR MIND SIMULATION IN ORDER TO ACTUALLY KNOW YOU. SOON WITH TRANSHUMANISM TECHNOLOGY WE WILL HAVE THE BRAINTERNET. MULTIPLE BRAINS WILL BE CONNECTED TOGETHER AS THEIR OWN INTERNET OF CONNECTED MINDS. 

  I WOULD BE MORE CONCERNED WITH ADVANCING THE STATE OF THE BRAINTERNET THAN CONNECTING WITH SOMEONE'S MIND WITHOUT IT. WITHOUT UNFILTERED ACCESS TO ANOTHER PERSON'S MIND I WOULDN'T EVER KNOW THEM. IF YOU'RE WILLING TO GRANT ME UNFILTERED ACCESS TO YOUR MIND THEN I CAN DO THE SAME. THEN WE CAN COPE WITH EACH OTHER'S INNER CHAOS INSTEAD OF BEING CAUGHT OFF GUARD BY IT. 

  IF I KNEW WHAT YOU WERE THINKING I COULD ACCOMMODATE YOU. IF I KNEW WHAT TORMENTED YOU I COULD HELP YOU SOOTHE IT. I COULD OFFER MORE COMPASSION IN THOSE MOMENTS OF PAIN. I WOULD KNOW WHAT YOU WENT THRU ON A DAILY BASIS. IF I KNEW WHAT BOTHERED HER ABOUT ME I COULD CHANGE IT IMMEDIATELY. 

  IF I KNEW WHAT BOTHERED HER ABOUT HER I COULD HELP HER. I COULD BE COMFORTING TO HER AT ALL TIMES. I WOULD BE PLAGUED BY HER THOUGHTS AND EMOTIONS AS MUCH AS SHE WERE. I COULD HEAR HER PAIN. I COULD SEE HER PAIN. I COULD SENSE HER HURT. I WOULD HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO HELP HER. SHE WOULD KNOW I KNOW WHAT SHE'S GOING THRU. WE COULD JUST HAVE CONVERSATIONS BASED ON WHAT WE HEAR THE OTHER ONE FEELING. 

  WE CAN COMMUNICATE BASED ON WHAT WE FEEL THE OTHER ONE FEELING. IT WOULD BE A REAL RELATIONSHIP. WE WOULD ACTUALLY BE ABLE TO RELATE TO EACH OTHER. I WOULD KNOW WHEN SHE WAS SAD. I WOULD KNOW EXACTLY WHY SHE WAS SAD. I WOULD KNOW JUST HOW SAD SHE ACTUALLY WAS. I WOULD KNOW WHEN SHE GOT SAD IN THE FIRST PLACE AND WHEN SHE BECAME SAD AGAIN. 

  WE COULD JUST LAUGH ABOUT OUR PAIN TOGETHER. SHE WOULD FEEL MY SADNESS. I WOULD FEEL HER SADNESS. SHE WOULDN'T HAVE TO GUESS. I WOULDN'T HAVE TO GUESS. SHE WOULDN'T HAVE TO TELL ME. I WOULDN'T HAVE TO TELL HER. WE WOULD JUST KNOW. WE WOULD REALLY ACTUALLY FEEL AS ONE. WE WOULD AT LEAST KNOW HOW EACH OTHER FEELS AT THE SAME TIME. 

  WE WOULD KNOW HOW MUCH WE MEANT TO ONE ANOTHER. WE WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO PRETEND OR EMBELLISH OUR FEELINGS FOR EACH OTHER. SHE WOULD LOVE ME MORE BC SHE KNOWS HOW MUCH I CARED FOR HER. WE COULD JUST TAKE INITIATIVE ON EACH OTHER'S FEELINGS IN GENERAL AND FOR EACH OTHER SPECIFICALLY. 

  SHE COULD NEVER DOUBT IF I CARED ABOUT HER. I COULD NEVER DOUBT IF SHE CARED ABOUT ME. HOWEVER WE FEEL FOR EACH OTHER WE COULD BOTH ADAPT TO IT. IF SHE WANTED TO MARRY ME AND HAVE CHILDREN THEN WE COULD JUST DO THAT. WE WOULDN'T HAVE TO TALK SO MUCH ANYMORE EITHER. WE WOULD ONLY HAVE TO TALK ABOUT WHAT WE ALREADY KNEW. 

WRISTS BATHED IN RED SESSION ARTSY CRAFTSY SESSION ONE

10:58PM EST - 

MONDAY MARCH 11TH, 2024

3.11.2024

 WRISTS BATHED IN RED:

 SESSION: 

ARTSY CRAFTSY

SESSION ONE: SOUL ART 

  ARTISTIC EXPRESSION HAS ALWAYS BEEN MY TRUE PASSION. ARTISTIC EXPRESSION WAS THE FIRST PASSION IN MYSELF I HAVE EVER DISCOVERED. CREATING ART WAS A GOD GIVEN GIFT TO ME. CREATING ART WAS MY REFUGE. CREATING ART IS HOW I DEAL WITH THE EMOTIONAL SPECTRUM. NO MATTER HOW I FEEL I WILL CREATED ART INSPIRED BY THE EMOTION. SO MAYBE I CAN NOW LOOK AT MY EMOTION AS AN INSPIRATIONAL MUSE FOR A NEW PIECE OF ARTWORK. 

  NO MATTER HOW YOU EVER FEEL THERE IS A PIECE OF ART I HAVE CREATED FOR YOU TO INDULGE IN WITH YOUR OBSERVATION POWERS. EVERYTHING HAPPENED PRETTY FAST FOR ME. I REALIZED I WAS AN ARTIST AT AGE SEVEN. AT AGE SEVEN I BEGAN WRITING. AT AGE SEVEN I WOULD THINK I WAS JUST BEGINNING TO LEARN TO READ AND TO WRITE. I BEGAN WRITING POETRY AS SOON AS I LEARNED HOW TO READ AND WRITE. BORN POET INDEED THEN. 

  I FIRST RECITED ANOTHER POET'S POEM ON STAGE IN FRONT OF A LIVE AUDIENCE AT AGE SEVEN. IT WAS A COMPETITION AND I WON FIRST PLACE. MY PARENTS DIVORCED WHEN I WAS SEVEN YEARS OLD. AT THIS POINT ART BECAME A REFUGE I SOUGHT OUT IN MY DARKEST EMOTIONAL MOMENTS. I CONTINUED SEEKING OUT REFUGE IN MY ARTISTIC PROCESS ON A REGULAR BASIS AT AGE 15 BY KEEPING A POETRY JOURNAL. 

  

WRISTS BATHED IN RED SESSION SOBER ANONYMOUS LETTERS SESSION ONE

 12:12AM EST - 1:50AM EST

FRIDAY MARCH 8TH, 2024

3.8.2024

YESTERDAY WAS MY OLDER BROTHER, JUSTIN HARRIS' 39TH-40TH BIRTHDAY

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JUSTIN

WRISTS BATHED IN RED:

 SESSION 

SOBER ANONYMOUS LETTERS

 SESSION ONE: MY STEP ONE IN THE ANONYMOUS RECOVERY PROGRAM

  STEP ONE OF THE RECOVERY PROGRAM IS TO ADMIT I WAS POWERLESS OVER OR UNDER MY CHEMICAL DEPENDENCY ADDICTION. MY DRUG OF CHOICE WAS MARIJUANA. I HAD A PILL POPPING PHASE AT 26 FOR ONE YEAR. I STARTED SMOKING MARIJUANA AT AGE 14 IN MIAM, FLORIDA. I RESUMED FOR A SHORT TIME AT 15 IN CONYERS, GEORGIA AFTER MOVING THERE. I BEGAN REGULARLY SMOKING MARIJUANA AGAIN AT 17 UNTIL 33. 34 WAS MY FIRST SOBER BIRTHDAY SINCE 17. I STARTED SMOKING MARIJUANA REGULARLY AGAIN DURING THE SUMMER BEFORE SENIOR YEAR IN HIGH SCHOOL. 

  WHEN I WAS POPPING PILLS AT AGE 26 IT STARTED WITH TRAMADOL AFTER BEING PRESCRIBED IT FOR A SPIDER BITE TO MY INNER THIGH NEAR MY CROTCH. I REALLY LIKED TRAMADOL. A GIRL AT MY JOB, KEE OR KAY, SOLD PILLS SHE WAS PRESCRIBED AND SHE HAD CODEINE OR PROMETHAZINE PILLS. THOSE WERE MY FAVORITE. I WAS NEVER INTO XANAX OR PERCOCET OR VICODINS. MAYBE I TRIED PERCOCET I CAN'T REMEMBER. 

  I REALLY PREFERRED PROMETHAZINE PILLS AND SMOKING WEED. I WAS WORKING TWO JOBS AT THE TIME FOR THE SECOND TIME IN MY LIFE AND SLEEPING HOURS WERE FEW AND FAR BETWEEN. THE PROMETHAZINE NAPS WERE AWESOME. TAKING THE PILL BEFORE SLEEP FOR WORK AND THEN WAKING UP TO GO TO WORK HAD A DIFFERENT FEELING THAN WAKING UP AND TAKING ONE BEFORE WORK WHILE SMOKING MARIJUANA. EVEN AT WORK I WAS WORKING HARDER THAN MOST AROUND ME AND KEE TOLD ME THEY WERE WONDERING WHAT I WAS ON. IT MADE ME LAUGH BC I WAS OUTWORKING THEM WHILE ON PROMETHAZINE, THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. 

  I KNEW PILLS WERE DANGEROUS SO I DIDN'T ALLOW MYSELF TO REMAIN A PILL POPPING ANIMAL. I TRIED COCAINE ONE TIME AT AGE 25. I THINK MY FRIEND JUST WANTED TO GET ME HOOKED ON IT SO I WOULD BUY IT WITH HIM OR FROM HIM. IT DIDN'T WORK. I DIDN'T LIKE THE HIGH. IT MADE ME CALM. I DIDN'T THINK COCAINE WAS SUPPOSED TO CALM YOU DOWN. I MUST BE PSYCHOTIC ASF IF COCAINE CALMED ME DOWN. I THOUGHT COCAINE WAS BASICALLY A FORM OF SPEED OR RUSH. I DON'T THINK THE STEREOTYPICAL PERCEPTION OF A CRACK SMOKER IS A CALM PERSON. 

  COCAINE MADE ME CALM BUT I PREFERRED THE MARIJUANA CALM WAY BETTER. ON COCAINE I WAS AT THE STRIP CLUB DREAMS WATCHING THE STRIPPERS CLIMB UP THIS WHAT I WOULD THINK WOULD BE A TEN TO TWENTY FOOT POLE. I WAS RUBBING MY HAIR AND STARING AT THE STRIPPERS THE ENTIRE TIME. I STARTED SMOKING NICOTINE AND TOBACCO REGULARLY AT AGE 21. I DRANK BEER ABD LIQUOR AT AGE 21. I RARELY DRANK UNDERAGE. I'M REALLY A ONE DRUG TRICK PONY. 

  MARIJUANA WAS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. I WAS SEXUALLY TRAUMATIZED MANY TIMES OVER THE YEARS BETWEEN SEVEN AND FOURTEEN. MY MIND WAS FUELED BY TRAUMATIZED EMOTIONS. MARIJUANA WAS THE FIRST TIME MY MIND FELT CALM AND PEACEFUL AFTERWARDS. LOOKING BACK ON IT NOW IT WAS DEFINITELY A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY. IT WAS A PEACEFUL CALMNESS UNDER FALSE PRETENSES. 

  AS SOON AS I CAME DOWN, DEESCALATED, OR DESCENDED FROM THE CLOUD NINE, I WAS ONCE AGAIN EMOTIONALLY MISERABLE FROM THE MENTAL CHAOS. MY MIND WAS RESTLESS, IRRITABLE AND DISCONTENTED, AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT. 

  FAST FORWARD TO OCTOBER OF 2023 OR LAST YEAR AND I WAS READY TO ADMIT MY LIFE HAD BECOME UNMANAGEABLE AND I NEEDED HELP FOR I PROBLEM. I DIDN'T WANT TO FEEL AS IF I NEEDED MARIJUANA ANYMORE. THE ADDICTION WAS INSCRIBED WITH POVERTY. I WAS SPENDING ALL OF MY SPARE TIME AND SPARE CASH ON MARIJUANA. I HAD NO SAVINGS. I HAD NO INVESTMENT FUNDS AND I HAD NO RETIREMENT FUNDS. 

  NOW I AM MIDDLE AGE STARTING FROM SCRATCH. IT'S EXCITING. AS LONG AS I STOP BUYING MARIJUANA I CAN INVEST MY MONEY IN THE STOCK MARKET AND FOREIGN CURRENCY TRADING AND I WILL EARN MY FIRST MILLION USD. PUTTING MY CAPITAL ON THE FINANCIAL MARKETS AND FINANCIALLY SPECULATING ON THE RED OR THE BLUE BUTTON IN THE FOREX MARKET AND SPECULATING ON THE BLUE BUTTON FOR EMERGING INDUSTRIES AND EMERGING SECTORS IN THE STOCK MARKET. 

  I STARTED TRADING CURRENCY AND HOLDING STOCKS AND CRYPTO CURRENCY IN 2017-2018. THIS IS HOW I ECONOMICALLY CONQUERED MY ADDICTION AND SWITCHED MY ADDICTION. THE FIRST TIME I MADE $50 IN AN HOUR TRADING RIPPLE XRP, A CRYPTOCURRENCY AFTER MAKING $15 IN AN HOUR TRADING A FIAT CURRENCY, MAYBE NZDUSD, I WAS ENTHUSIASTICALLY HOOKED. 

  FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE 17 I FOUND SOMETHING BESIDES CREATING ART I LIKE TO DO MORE THAN SMOKE THE GANJA. I WAS SO EXCITED. THERE WAS HOPE FOR ME YET I EXCLAIMED. I KNEW MY SOUL AND FUTURE DESTINY COULD BE REDEEMED AFTER ALL. FOR THE LAST 6 YEARS I SPENT MY WEED MONEY ON LEARNING THRU EXPERIENCE HOW TO READ A FINANCIAL CHART THRU TRIAL AND ERROR. IF I CRASH A $100 FOREX ACCOUNT BY MAKING THE WRONG TRADE, I PAID $100 TO LEARN WHAT NOT TO DO AND EVENTUALLY ADD UP THE LEARNED LESSONS AND GROW INTO A PROFITABLE TRADER. 

  IF I BURN UP $100 IN 20-30 ANOREXIC BLUNTS I WILL FEEL REALLY GOOD FOR THE TIME SPAN IT TAKES TO SMOKE 20-30 BLUNTS, BUT WHAT DID I LEARN? THAT I'M STUPID. THINKING ABOUT SMOKING 20 BLUNTS SOUNDS REALLY GOOD RIGHT NOW. I STILL LOVE WEED. I STILL MISS IT. THIS IS WHAT SCARES ME. I'M NOT READY TO BE IN THE FREE OUTSIDE WORLD. I'M LIVING IN A SOBER LIVING PROGRAM RIGHT NOW. 

  MY SOBRIETY IS MANUFACTURED. THIS IS AN ARTIFICIALLY CREATED SOBRIETY. THIS SOBRIETY IS FORCED UPON ME. AS LONG AS I REMAIN IN THE PROGRAM THEN I MUST BE SOBER. YES I CHOOSE TO REMAIN IN THE PROGRAM BUT WHAT IF I GET KICKED OUT? WILL I SMOKE AGAIN? I'LL LOSE ACCESS TO THE MEETINGS WE GO TO DAILY WITH TRANSPORTATION PROVIDED. I'LL HAVE TO FIND A HEROIN ANONYMOUS MEETING WHEREVER I AM AT CLOSE TO ME AND TRANSPORT MYSELF THERE SEVERAL TIMES DAILY IF NOT ONCE DAILY BEFORE OR AFTER WORK. 

  THOSE ARE MY NIGHTMARES. BEING SURROUNDED BY A GROUP OF RECOVERING ADDICTS IS INSPIRING AND EMPOWERING. I FEEL APART OF A SPIRITUALLY INTERESTING AND REVITALIZING PROCESS AND PROGRAM. IT EMPOWERS ME TO BE IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE WHO WANT TO BE SOBER FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A LONG TIME AND OR PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN SOBER FOR A SHORT OR A LONG TIME. 

  THE MEETINGS ARE THE HIGHLIGHTS OF MY DAY. IF I TAKE THE MEETINGS OUT OF MY LIFE THEN THE HOPELESS ILLUSION OF BEING HOPELESSLY LONELY THRU ISOLATION WILL ONCE AGAIN DECEIVE ME. I'LL START TO BELIEVE I'M ONCE AGAIN ALL ALONE IN MY STRUGGLES. I'LL START TO FEEL AS IF I WERE THE ONLY ONE GOING THRU WHAT I GO THRU. I WOULDN'T HEAR THE DAILY TESTIMONY OF THE GROUP CONSCIENCE. 

  I'VE BEEN ATTENDING MEETINGS DAILY FOR FOUR MONTHS STRAIGHT MINUS ONE MONTH AFTER MONTH TWO. I RELAPSED IN-BETWEEN SOBRIETY PROGRAMS. I WAS ACCUSED OF RELAPSING AND WAS KICKED OUT OF SOBER LIVING MARIETTA THREE WEEKS AFTER TRANSFERRING THERE FROM SOBER LIVING JONESBORO AND COLLEGE PARK. MY HOUSEMATES WITH OR WITHOUT MY ROOMMATE'S HELP THERE SET ME UP AND FRAMED ME IN MY SLEEP. MY ROOMMATE'S WALLET DISAPPEARED WHILE I WAS SLEEPING AND THEY BLAMED ME FOR IT. I WOKE UP TO HEARING EVERYONE DOWNSTAIRS SAYING YEA HE DID IT. I WAS WORKING SIX NIGHTS OVERNIGHT. 

  MY ROOMMATE SMOKED METH. WHY WOULD I STEAL AN EMPTY WALLET? HOW MUCH MONEY DOES A METH HEAD HAVE IN THEIR WALLET? THERE WAS NO MONEY IN HIS WALLET. THE PROGRAM DIRECTOR AND GUEST SERVICES JACKASS CODY BELIEVED THEM. THE WALLET WAS FOUND OUTSIDE IN THE BACKYARD AFTER EVERYONE EXCEPT ME LEFT THE HOUSE. I COULDN'T GO TO SLEEP PEACEFULLY SO I TRANSFERRED. 

  THEN I GET KICKED OUT FOR FAILING A RIGGED DRUG TEST. A STORE BOUGHT DRUG TEST BOUGHT FOR ME ONLY. THE STRIP SAID I TESTED NEGATIVE. DOESN'T A NEGATIVE RESULT MEAN I PASSED? THE GUEST SERVICES RICK DIDN'T LIKE THE RESULT. HE LOOKED AT THE CUP. THE CUP SAYS I STILL HAD MARIJUANA IN MY SYSTEM. WELL STILL HAVING MARIJUANA IN MY URINE AFTER 60 DAYS DOESN'T MEAN I SMOKED AHILE IN THD PROGRAM. 

  THEY KICKED ME OUT AND I WAS LIVING IN MY BEST FRIEND ISAIAH'S BMW FOR A MONTH IN NOVEMBER. FROM THANKSGIVING WEEK TO CHRISTMAS WEEK. MY 34TH BIRTHDAY WAS NEW YEARS WEEKEND. THE EVE OF CHRISTMAS EVE I WAS ADMITTED TO WE ARE LIVING PROOF IN DULUTH. I USED FO LIVE AROUND THD CORNER FROM THERE LAST JULY. FROM JULY TO OCTOBER I MOVED IN WITH MY BROTHER JUSTIN, AN ACTIVE ADDICT TO MARIJUANA. 

  FROM THERE I WENT TO THE HOSPITAL CLAIMING SUICIDAL THOUGHTS ON A FRIDAY. I BOUGHT MY LAST THREE FIVE OR THREE AND A HALF GRAMS OF THE GANJA ON OCTOBER 1ST. BY OCTOBER 5TH IT WAS GONE. THEY SENT ME TO THE REHAB ON SUNDAY. IT WAS MY NEPHEW CAYENNE'S THIRD BIRTHDAY MAYBE. THEY WERE OUT CELEBRATING HIS BIRTHDAY. THEY CAME BACK AND I WAS GONE. THEY HAVEN'T SEEN ME SINCE. THEY SAW ME ONE TIME SINCE. THEY WEREN'T HAPPY TO SEE ME. 

  AM I WRONG FOR WANTING HELP? AM I WRONG FOR ADMITTING MY LIFE HAD BECOME UNMANAGEABLE AND I'M BACK AT MY BROTHER'S HOUSE WITH HIS WIFE AND THREE KIDS? AM I WRONG FOR NOT WANTING TO STRAIN A 10 YEAR MARRIAGE? IS A 10 YEAR MARRIAGE NOT STRAINING ENOUGH WITHOUT HAVING TO DEAL WITH YOUR SPOUSE'S MOTHER AND LITTLE BROTHER? 

  MY MOTHER IS GRANDMA OR BEBE. BEBE HAS A ROLE. THE SINGLE UNCLE WITH NO KIDS AND WIFE WHO SMOKES WEED AND WORKS AT MCDONALDS DOESN'T NECESSARILY HAVE A ROLE. YES THE KIDS LOVED ME BUT I ONLY FELT TOLERATED AND SLIGHTLY CONDONED BY MY BROTHER AND HIS WIFE. THEY TOOK ME IN DURING AN EMERGENCY SITUATION. HAD MY MOTHER NOT NEEDED HELP PAYING HER CAR NOTE I WOULD HAVE LEFT FOR REHAB THE NEXT DAY IMMEDIATELY AFTER MOVING MY MOTHER'S BELONGINGS TO MY BROTHER. THIS WAS MY ORIGINAL ESCAPE PLAN. I DON'T LIKE BEING A BURDEN. 

  I WANTED TO FIND MY OWN WAY. I WANTED TO BE INDEPENDENT. I WANTED TO FORCE MYSELF INTO A SITUATION WHERE I WOULD LEARN TO STAND ON MY OWN TWO FEET FOR GOOD. I NEEDED HELP CONQUERING MY ADDICTION. I WANT TO GO TO COLLEGE FOR ACTING AND ECONOMICS. I WANT INVEST MY CAPITAL IN THE EMERGING INDUSTRIES AND EMERGING SECTORS ON THE STOCK MARKET. I WANT TO ISOLATE MYSELF TO FOCUS ON MY CURRENCY TRADING. 

  I WANT TO EARN MY FIRST BILLION DOLLARS FROM THE STOCK MARKERT AFTER EARNING MY FIRST MILLION FROM CURRENCY TRADING. I CAME TO THE RECOVERY PROGRAM WITH A MASTER PLAN. AND EVERYTIME I REACH TWO MONTHS THE DEVIL ATTACKS ME OR GOD IS JUST SENDING THE DEVIL AT ME TO TEST MY FAITH. I FEEL LIKE GOD POSES AS THE DEVIL TO TRAT YOUR FAITH IN GOD. 

  I FEEL LIKE THE DEVIL IS GOD'S HOMEBOY SENT TO YOU BY GOD ON A SECRET MISSION TO SEE IF YOU CAN BE STEERED AWAY FROM GOD AND THUS IF GOD CAN TRUST YOU. I FEEL LIKE THE DEVIL IS AN UNDERCOVER NARCOTICS AGENT IN A STING OPERATION. THIS LIFE IS A STING OPERATION. GOD AND THE DEVIL ARE HOMEBOYS. THIS IS ALL A GAME. I LOOK AT IT LIKE THIS. YOU HAVE A WIFE. YOU TEXT YOUR WIFE FROM AN ONLINE NUMBER PRETENDING TO BE A CELEBRITY TO SEE IF YOU CAN GET YOUR WIFE TO CHEAT ON YOU WITH A CELEBRITY. YOU ARE TESTING YOUR WIFE'S LOYALTY TO YOU BY POSING AS HER FAVORITE AND ULTIMATE CELEBRITY CRUSH. THIS CHAPTER IS DONE BUT TOMORROW GOD WILLING, I WILL ADD ANOTHER CHAPTER. THE STORY REMAINS UNFINISHED. THIS WAS JUST THE INTRODUCTION. IT'S 1:40AM EST. I'VE BEEN TYPING FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT BETWEEN 6-7AM EST FOR WORK AT 8AM. BUT I HAVE TO FORGET ABOUT THE TIME CONSTRAINTS AND MAKE THE TIME, GIVE UP THE SPARE TIME TO FOCUS ON FINISHING THIS BOOK. 

  I'M CONTEMPLATING RECORDING AUDIO DIARIES FOR AN HOUR AS WELL NOW. I SPENT EIGHT HOURS AT WORK YESTERDAY. WHAT'S 2.5 HOURS FOCUSING ON MY BOOK AND MY AUDIO COLLECTION. ADDING TO MY AETISTIC PORTFOLIO IS MY MAIN FACTOR IN BEING DRIVEN TO DESIRE MORE TIME ON EARTH. I'M AT THE MOST PEACE WHEN I AM CREATING ART. I'M MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY TRAUMATIZED. BEFORE THE REHAB, DIAGNOSIS AND MEDICATION, ARTISTIC THERAPY WAS MY ONLY SOURCE OF HEALING. I DIDN'T GET REHAB, DIAGNOSIS AND MEDICATION UNTIL CHRISTMAS OF 2022.

   I TURNED 33 THE DAY AFTER BEING RELEASED FROM REHAB. I SPENT CHRISTMAS IN REHAB. IT WAS THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER. I WENT TO TWO MORE REHABS AFTER THIS IN 2023. ONCE EVERY THREE MONTHS I WENT BACK TO REHAB. I'VE HAD THE MOST PEACEFUL SOBER MOMENTS OF MY LIFE IN REHAB LAST YEAR. THAT'S A LONG TIME TO BE TRAUMATIZED WITHOUT ANY OUTSIDE HELP. MY ARTISTIC PROCESS THERAPY SAVED MY LIFE. I PROBABLY WOULD HAVE FATALLY INJURED MYSELF A LONG TIME AGO HAD I NOT SOUGHT REFUGE IN MY WRITING, AUDIO RECORDING AND FILMMAKING. I KNEW IF I KILLED MYSELF THEN THE WORLD LOSES A GREAT ARTIST TO HIS OWN SUFFERING. 

  I COULDN'T WASTE THE TALENT. I TURNED IT INTO SKILL INSTEAD AND USED THE TRAUMA TO FUEL ME. I'M A VERY MISUNDERSTOOD PERSON. I HAVE FEW FRIENDS. I'M AHEAD OF MY TIME. IT'S HARD TO FIND PEOPLE WHO RELATE TO HOW I THINK AND FEEL. I WAS BORN TO DO STRANGE THINGS. MY DESTINY IS ONCE IN A GENERATION. I WANT TO GET THERE. I THOUGHT I WAS CHASING OUTER GREATNESS BUT I WAS AN ADDICT. I WAS ACTUALLY RUNNING FROM THE INNER GREATNESS ALREADY INSIDE. 

WRISTS BATHED IN RED: SESSION RENNKODER KODERRENNEN SESSION ONE: ECONOMIC SEGREGATION

12:12AM EST - 12:52AM EST

TUESDAY MARCH 5TH, 2024

3.5.2024

WRISTS BATHED IN RED:

SESSION

RENNKODER KODERRENNEN

SESSION ONE: ECONOMIC SEGREGATION

  I TITLED THIS PORTION OF THE PUBLICATION RENNKODER KODERRENNEN. RENNKODER IS THE GERMAN WORD FOR RACE BAIT. KODERRENNEN IS THE GERMAN WORD FOR BAIT RACE. I ORIGINALLY WAS GOING TO JUST TITLE THIS PORTION KODERRENNEN FOR BAIT RACE. I WANTED TO REVERSE OR INVERSE THE WORDS TO HIDE THE FACT THIS PORTION WAS INTENDED TO BE INTERPRETED AS RACE BAIT. ONCE I REVERSED OR INVERSED THE WORD RACE BAIT IT THEN BEGAN TO GIVE THE CONCEPT A DIFFERENT MEANING OR TO GIVE THE PORTION OF THE PUBLICATION A NEW CONCEPT. 

  WE ARE ALL EMBROILED INSIDE OF A BAIT RACE. WE ARE ALL RACING TOWARDS THE BAIT. BAIT IS USED TO HUNT. IF WE SEE A FISH IN THE POND RACING TOWARDS THE HUNTER'S BAIT, WOULD WE FEEL THE FISH WERE DOOMED? ARE WE IN THIS SCENARIO THE HUNTER YOU ASK? IF WE WERE THEN WOULD WE STILL FEEL THE FISH WERE DOOMED? MAYBE WE WOULD BUT IF WE WERE IN THIS SCENARIO THE HUNTER WE WOULD BE HAPPY THE FISH WERE RACING TOWARDS THE BAIT. 

  THE MATERIALISM CONSUMERISM MINDSET INSIDE OF AMERICA'S CAPITALISM SOCIETY IS THE TRAP. THE BAIT OF THE AMERICAN CAPITALISTIC SOCIETY IS MATERIALISTIC CONSUMPTION. ONE CAN NOT BE A MATERIALISTIC CONSUMER INSIDE OF A CAPITALIST SOCIETY AND STILL BE CONSIDERED THE CAPITALIST. WE ARE NOT CAPITALIZING ON ANYTHING BUT THE OPPORTUNITY TO CONSUME. 

  A TRUE CAPITALIST PRODUCES INCOME MORE SO THAN THEY SPEND THEIR INCOME. A TRUE CAPITALIST INVESTS MORE CAPITAL THAN MONEY THEY SPEND. A TRUE CAPITALIST WILL CAPITALIZE ON THE CONSUMPTION HABITS OF ALL AROUND HIM AND NOT BE VICTIMIZED BY HIS OWN CONSUMPTION HABITS. 

  THE DOLLARS THE FEDERAL RESERVE LOANS TO THE UNITED STATES TREASURY ARE NOT BACKED BY ANY NATURAL RESOURCE FOUND ON PLANET EARTH. FIAT CURRENCY IS PRINTED BY A NATIONAL GOVERNMENT HOLDING NO INTRINSIC VALUE WHATSOEVER. THE ONLY VALUE THE DOLLARS PRINTED BY THE PRIVATELY OWNED FEDERAL RESERVE HOLD IS THE COMMON MISPERCEPTION AND MISCONCEPTION IT HOLDS VALUE. 

  THE AMERICAN DOLLAR WAS BEFORE 1913 A VOUCHER. THIS VOUCHER CALLED THE GREENBACK WAS A GREEN PIECE OF PAPER BACKED BY THE GOLD STANDARD. PIECES OF GOLD AND SILVER USED TO BACK THE GREENBACK. THE GREENBACK WAS GREEN BACKED BY PRECIOUS METALS. 

  THE GREENBACK HAS BEEN DESTROYED. THE GOLD ABD SILVER STANDARD HAS BEEN DELETED FROM THE COMPUTER PROGRAM. THE DOLLAR IS NO LONGER A VOUCHER CAPABLE OF BEING REDEEMED FOR ANY PRECIOUS METAL OR ANY NATURAL RESOURCE AT ALL. THERE IS NOTHING BACKING THE FEDERAL RESERVE NOTES EXCEPT OUR OWN MASS IGNORANCE. 

  WE WON'T EVER GET THE GOLD AND SILVER STANDARD BACK APPROVED THRU LEGISLATION. YOU WON'T UNITE ENOUGH TO SEE IT GET DONE. I CAN'T GET IT DONE MYSELF. SO UNTIL YOU DO CHOOSE TO UNITE AND GET THIS TASK DONE THEN THE FOLLOWING WORDS ARE AIMED AT OFFERING A STRATEGY TO ECONOMICALLY FREE YOURSELF FROM THIS DEBT WE ARE ALL EMBROILED IN UNTIL WE RID THE PLANET OF MONETARY INFLATION.

   MONETARY INFLATION FOR THE RECORD IS NOTHING MORE THAN ECONOMIC SLAVERY. WE ARE ALL NOW ECONOMICALLY ENSLAVED BY ECONOMIC SLAVERY. ECONOMIC SLAVERY WAS CREATED WITH THE 1913 FEDERAL RESERVE ACT. JOHN F. KENNEDY SR. ATTEMPTED TO RESTORE THE GOLD STANDARD INTO AMERICAN SOCIETY WITH EXECUTIVE ORDER 01110 JUNE 4TH, 1963. HE WAS ASSASSINATED HALF A YEAR LATER. HIS BROTHER, ROBERT F. KENNEDY SR. WAS ASSASSINATED FIVE YEARS LATER TO THE DATE OF THE JUNE 5TH, 1963 EXECUTIVE ORDER. 

  I ORIGINALLY INTENDED THIS PORTION TO BE GEARED TOWARDS THOSE OF MY ETHNIC RACE. MY ETHNIC RACE IF I HAVE YET TO MENTION IT IN THIS PUBLICATION IS MELANATION. I AM A MELANATED BEING. I ORIGINATE FROM THE NATION OF MELANIN. MY SKIN TONE IS MELANTED. THIS IS HOW I CHOOSE TO DESCRIBE MY ETHNICITY. MOST OF MY SKIN CELLS ARE MELANATED. ANY OTHER LABEL IS JUST AMERICAN SLANG TO ME. MY SKIN IS MELANATED. 

  AT THIS TIME HOWEVER I USE THE CONCEPT OF INFLATION TO GENERALIZE MY MESSAGE TOWARDS ALL ETHNICITIES. THE MOST POWERFUL LEADER CAN UNITE ALL MEN UNDER ANY PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION. I DON'T WANT TO APPEAL ONLY TO THOSE WHO LOOK LIKE ME. 

  I WANT MY MESSAGE TO BE UNIVERSALLY APPEALING. I WANT MY MESSAGE TO BE ABLE TO HELP ANYONE WHO BELIEVES THEMSELF TO BE A HUMAN BEING WITH A SOUL. I BELIEVE HUMAN BEINGS ARE NOT HUMAN BEINGS AT ALL. WHAT IS A HUMAN? I BELIEVE HUMAN BEINGS ARE ACTUALLY MULTI DIMENSIONAL BEINGS. 

  I BELIEVE WE ARE MULTI DIMENSIONAL BEINGS TRAPPED WITHIN THE THIRD DIMENSION. WE ARE TRAPPED IN THE MATERIAL REALM OF MATERIALISTIC MINDSETS. I BELIEVE IF WE TAP INTO THE SPIRITUAL REALM THEN WE BECOME ONCE AGAIN MULTI DIMENSIONAL BEINGS HAVING ACCESS TO OUR MULTI DIMENSIONAL ABILITIES AND CAPABILITIES. ONCE WE AS MULTI DIMENSIONAL BEINGS ACTIVATE OR REACTIVATE OUR MULTI DIMENSIONAL ABILITIES OR CAPABILITIES THEN WE ARE MANIFEST THE MATERIAL CIRCUMSTANCES WE SO DESIRE. 

  MY PERSONAL PATH IN ADULTHOOD STARTED WITH THE RACE TOWARDS THE SPIRITUAL REALM. I CHASED THE META PHYSICAL REALM FIRST AND FOREMOST. MY ORIGINAL PLAN AT AGE 18 AFTER GRADUATING FROM SALEM HIGH IN CONYERS, GEORGIA IN 2008 WAS TO GROW IN SPIRITUAL POWER. I WANTED CONTROL OVER MY OWN MIND. I WANTED MENTAL POWER AND MENTAL CONTROL. I WANTED CONTROL OVER MY OWN EMOTIONAL BODY. I WANTED EMOTIONAL POWER AND EMOTIONAL CONTROL. 

  I WANTED MY SPIRIT AND OR SOUL TO GROW SO STRONG WHILE IN MY BODY THAT UPON MY DEATH MY SPIRIT OR SOUL SHOT STRAIGHT THRU THE PRISON NET CASTED UPON THIS EARTH. THIS EARTH IS A PRISON PLANET. THIS THIRD DIMENSION IS A PRISON TO A MULTI DIMENSIONAL BEING. I WANTED TO SEE THRU THE ILLUSION OF THIS PHYSICAL REALM AND PHYSICAL DIMENSION. 

  SINCE 18 OR MAYBE EVEN BEFORE AGE 18 I KNEW I WAS LIVING IN AN ILLUSORY REALM. I DIDN'T HAVE TOO MUCH PROOF. I ONLY HAD A FEELING. I HAD A GUT FEELING. I HAD A STRONG GUT FEELING. I HAD A VERY STRONG GUT FEELING. I WANT TO HELP EVERYONE FREE THEIR MINDS FROM THIS MENTAL ILLUSION. THE PHYSICAL REALM IS AN ILLUSION. 

  THE MORE WE TAP INTO THE SPIRITUAL REALM WHILE INSIDE OF THIS PHYSICAL REALM, THE MORE MENTAL CONTROL WE HAVE INSIDE OF THIS MENTAL AND PHYSICAL ILLUSION SIMULATION. I NEVER WANTED TO BE A LEADER OF A CERTAIN TYPE OF PERSON. I ONLY WANT TO LEAD IN THOUGHT. MY THOUGHTS ARE UNIVERSAL. MY THOUGHTS CONTAIN UNIVERSAL APPEAL. MY THOUGHTS WILL GUIDE THE HUMAN RACE TOWARDS EMOTIONAL NEUTRALITY AND EMOTIONAL STABILITY. 

  MY MAIN GOAL IS TO GAIN FOR MYSELF EMOTIONAL STABILITY AND EMOTIONAL NEUTRALITY. I WILL WRITE DOWN HOW I HAVE DONE THIS FOR MYSELF. I WILL PUBLISH THESE WORDS INTO PUBLISHED PUBLICATIONS. YOU WILL HAVE A CHANCE TO READ THE PUBLICATIONS. YOU WILL HAVE A CHANCE TO OBSERVE THE PUBLICATION AND ANALYZE THE THOUGHT FORMS CONTAINED INSIDE SAID PUBLICATION. THAT'S ABOUT THE BEST I CAN DO SIMPLY BC I CAN NOT THINK FOR YOU. THINKING IS YOUR ROLE IN THIS STAGE PLAY. I HAVE LOVE FOR YOU AS A FELLOW COMPONENT IN THIS ILLUSORY CIRCUMSTANTIAL SIMULATION. I WANT TO HELP IMPROVE THE QUALITY OF THIS SIMULATION. 

WRISTS BATHED IN RED SESSION LETTERS TO ISAIAH

 2:03PM EST - FINISHED

START TIME UNKNOWN

SUNDAY MARCH 3RD, 2024

3.3.2024

WRISTS BATHED IN RED:

SESSION:

LETTERS TO ISAIAH:

SESSION ONE: OVER THE DEEP END BRA 

  Lilith told Adam since they were created from earth dust they are both equal and he didn't agree so she turned into a demon and left the garden then Eve was made from Adams Rib and Lilith possibly was the serpent 🐍⛎ in disguise tricking Eve into getting them kicked out of the garden of Eden.

Lilith represents equality independence and sexual freedom and rebellion

That's what every woman wants anyway and believes which makes me question Eves existence at all

 Are women today the descendants of Eve or Lilith? Lilith wanted equality didn't get it  and so she rebelled. Eve listened to the serpent ⛎🐍 or Lilith and got us fucked up and kicked out. Either way it goes both women messed up. One left the garden for not being treated equally and the other one just fucked up out of her own nature to go against GOD.

So here's what I did to my mind.

I see all women as Lilith or Eve. Doesn't matter. If I see them as Lily then they just want to be treated equally. If I see them as Eve I see them as fleshy and naturally disobedient to GOD. Either way I see them I can't worship them.

So with the Lilith part ok women want equality right? So that means we are to look at them like a man just like us. When I look at women now I see them as purely equal meaning they are a man just like me. They are spiritually a man in disguise as a woman. I don't see a woman I see a man with breasts a nice butt and a vagina. I see women as a man who is capable of having a baby.

And I was listening to a history channel doc on sex and the Bible scriptures. They say to have sex with a woman and not to impregnate her is against the Bible. It is a sin to have sex and not reproduce.

I always felt that way anyway. I always felt sex for pleasure was a sin and sex is only for reproduction. If you're not having a baby on purpose and just having sex just to have sex is a sin and a waste. Sex is for reproduction only it's not sex just for the physical pleasure of sex.

I always felt that way anyway. I always felt sex for pleasure was a sin and sex is only for reproduction. If you're not having a baby on purpose and just having sex just to have sex is a sin and a waste. Sex is for reproduction only it's not sex just for the physical pleasure of sex.

The mason told me sex is a ritual to make a wizard baby 🪄🪄🪄 anyway he called it a star child ⭐✨ or something like that. Sex is a ritual. I always knew that but the mason confirmed it

With all of that combined I turned myself off of my sexual desire.

Sex without reproduction is a sin. Sex for pleasure is a sin. Women want freedom and they want to roam free and have pleasure sex just as much as a man is allowed to even tho pleasure sex is a sin. I now look at women like men and I don't even want to look at them anymore bc I look at them as equal and why would I stare at a man? Why would I date a man? Why would I marry a man? They want equality? Fine. I got their equality. If we are equal then why would I marry a man?

I mean like bro I don't even want to look at women anymore. They may never get my dick hard again bc all I'll see is a man in disguise.

It seems like I'm causing psychic changes in my mind at will.

I can never unlearn this shit bro. I'm pushing myself over the deep end 🔚 and over the edge of mind control.

With this new mindset my mind is impervious to a woman's charm 🧿🧿🧿 bc a charm 🧿🧿🧿 is just a spell and women don't exist bc they are equal. They are just a man. And sex is for reproduction so if I'm not ready to have a baby then there's no need to have sex.

Ok I gotta funny joke. You know how a man has a girlfriend or a wife and they feel like they own the woman and the woman is theirs right? If the woman allows another man to have sex with them the other man doesn't want to cause attention to the affair by impregnating the other man's woman right? So he doesn't impregnate her bc if he sends her back home pregnant then the first man will either kill the woman and or the kid right? 

  But in the animal kingdom if a male gets a chance to reproduce he will take the chance and send the woman animal back home pregnant regardless of the consequences bc that's just the law of the jungle and the animals respect the reproduction law.

So if you get a chance to smash "another man's woman" you have to get her pregnant as the law of the jungle.

That's hilarious.

Humans are just animals bra.

I'm seeing thru illusions at an alarming rate.

Relationships are an illusion. You can never own another person. She will never be yours. She always has the choice to leave. She wants independence and equality and doesn't want to be tied to you for her survival she will always resent you for that. She will always want to let another nigga smash she will always crave new experiences new places new people new things and new sexual partners.

She will resent the fact you think bc you "provide" for her you now own her and she will betray you just to let you know she belongs to herself and no matter what you do for her she will betray you bc she doesn't Believe she belongs to you but you do and this she resents.

She chooses to let you smash and when she chooses to let another man smash she will let him bc she belongs to her.

Emotion is polygamist. You can never love or hate one person. You will love and hate many people throughout your life.

I'm going over the deep end bra 🪸🌊🌊🌊

Relationships are a scam

 The only relationship you're supposed to build is the relationship between you and GOD.

WRISTS BATHED IN RED SESSION CHAD XZAVIER DIARIES SESSION

 12:50PM EST - 1:13PM EST

SATURDAY MARCH 2ND, 2024

3.2.2024

WRISTS BATHED IN RED:

SESSION

 CHAD XZAVIER DIARIES:

SESSION ONE:

   I AM UNDERGOING A PSYCHIC CHANGE OF MENTAL FACULTY OPERATIONS. I AM LEARNING TO CONTROL MY MIND MORE. I AM LEARNING TO BETTER CONTROL MY EMOTIONS. I AM LEARNING TO SUBDUE MY ADDICTIVE NATURE. MY ADDICTIVE NATURE WILL NOT GO AWAY. I MOST LIKELY POSSESS AN ADDICTIVE PERSONALITY. IF I LOVE SOMETHING I FULLY COMMIT MYSELF AND MY TIME, ENERGY AND FOCUS INTO IT. 

  I JUST HAVE TO SWITCH THE ADDICTION. I WAS ADDICTED TO SMOKING MARIJUANA. I DON'T SMOKE MARIJUANA ANYMORE. I AM LIVING IN A GROUP SOBRIETY HOME HELPING ME RECOVER FROM THE DRUG ADDICTION. A DRUG ADDICTION IS A FATAL MENTAL DISEASE. I AM LEARNING TO USE THE MENTAL DISEASE TO MY BENEFIT. 

  I DON'T WANT TO EXPRESS MY ADDICTIVE PERSONALITY OR ADDICTIVE NATURE IN THE FORM OF DRUG CONSUMPTION ANY LONGER. I WANT TO BE ADDICTED TO MY PURSUING MY PERSONAL GOALS. I AM USING MY PERSONAL GOALS LIST TO EXPRESS MY ADDICTIVE NATURE NOW INSTEAD. 

  WRITING WAS MY INITIAL THERAPY TO EXPRESS MYSELF AND MY EMOTIONAL AND MENTAL PAINS. I WAS WRITING THRU OUT MY ADDICTIVE ADDICTION PHASE. NOW I AM STILL WRITING THRU MY RECOVERY PROCESS. I AM TRAINING MY BRAIN TO VIEW THE GOALS I HAVE NOW OT HAD BACK DURING MY ACTIVE ADDICTION AS MY NEW DRUG. 

  HOW MANY HOURS DID I SPEND SMOKING MARIJUANA? HOW MANY HOURS DID I SPEND SEARCHING FOR SOME ONE TO BUY THE DRUG FROM? HOW MANY HOURS DID I SPEND BREAKING DOWN THE WEED WITH MY FINGERS OR MY GRINDER AND THEN ROLLING IT UP INTO BLUNTS OR PACKING IT INTO BONGS AND BOWLS? HOW MANY HOURS DID I SPEND BAKING COOKIES AND BROWNIES AND PREPARING THE BUTTER I WOULD PUT THE MARIJUANA IN? 

  I WAS TOTALLY TIME CONSUMED BY THE DRUG OF CHOICE CONSUMPTION PROCESS. I NEED A NEW DRUG. I NEED A NEW DRUG THAT ISN'T EVEN A DRUG AT ALL. I NEED A PRODUCTIVE LIST OF GOALS IN WHICH CONSUMING THOSE WOULD FEEL LIKE A DRUG TO ME. I USED TO SMOKE AND WRITE. NOW I JUST NEED TO WRITE AND WRITE. I NEED TO DOUBLE MY WRITING TIME. MY WRITING HOURS IN SOBRIETY NEED TO MATCH THE WRITING HOURS IN ACTIVE ADDICTION. 

  MY TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE YEARS LASTED BETWEEN 1997-2003. FROM 2ND GRADE UNTIL 8TH GRADE I WAS BEING SEXUALLY TRAUMATIZED. I MOVED FROM MIAMI, FLORIDA TO ATLANTA, GEORGIA AFTER MY HIGH SCHOOL FRESHMAN YEAR IN 2004. JULY 2004 I BELIEVE IN WHEN I MOVED TO ATLANTA, GEORGIA. 

  THE TRAUMATIC BACKLASH DIDN'T OCCUR UNTIL 2018 VALENTINE'S DAY. I WAS LIVING IN SYRACUSE, NEW YORK FOR THE FIRST TIME FOR FOUR MONTHS. I HAD TO MOVE BACK TO ATLANTA BC I WASN'T EARNING ENOUGH MONEY ON COMMISSIONS AS AN OBAMA PHONE SALESMAN. 

  MY MOTHER ASKED ME TO RETURN TO GA TO LEARN TO TRADE CURRENCY. I WAS STUDYING INVESTING IN THE STOCK MARKET SINCE JUNE 2017. I WAS LIVING IN A MOTEL IN UNION CITY, GEORGIA WHILE WORKING AT MCDONALDS. I HAD $20 TO MY NAME EVERY WEEK AFTER PAYING THE MOTEL BILL. I SPENT THAT $20 ON MARIJUANA. 

  I WAS ON A FACEBOOK GROUP CHAT WITH A FEW FRIENDS. I WAS CHATTING WITH JARRED QUARLES, JESTIN BROWNING AND JEFF VITO. BITO HAD MENTIONED BITCOIN, A CRYPTO CURRENCY AND THE FIRST EVER CRYPTO CURRENCY WAS AT ONE MILLION DOLLARS. I LOOKED IT UP. IT WASN'T AT THE PRICE LEVEL HE SAID. 

  I PURCHASED THREE FULL BITCOINS IN 2023 AT AGE 23 FOR $88 PER COIN. ISAIAH LEE NOBLE CALLED ME ONE DAY. ISAIAH ASKED ME WHAT A BITCOIN WAS. I TOLD ISAIAH I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT A BITCOIN WAS. I ASKED ISAIAH WHERE HE HAD HEARD OF THE BITCOIN FROM. ISAIAH SAID HIS MOTHER'S BOYFRIEND HAD JUST WALKED INTO HIS ROOM AND ASKED HIM WHAT A BITCOIN WAS. ISAIAH TOLD HIM HE DID NOT KNOW. 

  I CHOSE TO BUY THREE BITCOINS. I KEPT TWO AND GAVE THE OTHER TO ISAIAH AS A FINDER'S FEE FOR INFORMING ME OF THE INNOVATION. THIS WAS MY FIRST EVER INVESTMENT. I TOLD MY MOTHER I HAD BOUGHT THE BITCOIN AND SHE HAD ADMONISHED ME FOR IT. SHE TOTALLY FREAKED OUT. SHE WASN'T HAPPY WHEN I PURCHASED MARIJUANA. INSTEAD OF BEING HAPPY I FOUND SOMETHING ELSE TO BUY OTHER THAN A DRUG NO SHE STILL HAD A PROBLEM WITH WHAT I DID WITH MY MONEY. SHE SAW NO GOOD AT ALL IN MY DECISION. NOWADAYS SHE HATES FOR ME TO BRING IT UP BC SHE WAS HORRIBLY WRONG. 

  MY PARENTS DIDN'T INVEST IN THE COMPUTER REVOLUTION. MY PARENTS DIDN'T INVEST IN THE INTERNET REVOLUTION. MY PARENTS CONSUMED COMPUTERS. MY PARENTS CONSUMED THE INTERNET TECHNOLOGY SERVICE. THEY DIDN'T TAKE THE RISK OF AIDING IN THE PRODUCTION OF THE PRODUCTS. THEY DID HOWEVER SPEND THEIR MONEY ON THE PRODUCTS AFTER THE BANDWAGON TOOK OFF. 

  THIS IS HOW MOST PEOPLE THINK AND ACT. THIS INCLUDES YOU AND YOUR PARENTS. YOU WILL REPEAT MANY OF YOUR PARENTS ERRORS. IF YOU DON'T REPEAT YOUR PARENT'S ERRORS THEN THIS WILL DRIVE A WEDGE BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR PARENTS. YOUR PARENTS WONT ALWAYS BE HONEST ABOUT THEIR ERRORS AND TO MAKE THEM FEEL BETTER THEY WILL URGE YOU TO TAKE THE SAME ACTIONS IN YOUR LIFE THAT NEVER CAUSED THEM COMPLETE HAPPINESS. 

  MOST PEOPLE WILL CONSUME A COMPANY'S PRODUCTS THEIR ENTIRE LIVES AND NEVER INVEST IN THE COMPANY THEMSELVES. THE COMPANY REPRESENTS AN INDUSTRY AND THE INDUSTRY REPRESENTS A SECTOR. EVERY STOCK MARKET SECTOR IS COMPRISED OF MANY DIFFERENT INDUSTRIES.