WRISTS BATHED IN RED SESSION SOBER ANONYMOUS LETTERS SESSION ONE

 12:12AM EST - 1:50AM EST

FRIDAY MARCH 8TH, 2024

3.8.2024

YESTERDAY WAS MY OLDER BROTHER, JUSTIN HARRIS' 39TH-40TH BIRTHDAY

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JUSTIN

WRISTS BATHED IN RED:

 SESSION 

SOBER ANONYMOUS LETTERS

 SESSION ONE: MY STEP ONE IN THE ANONYMOUS RECOVERY PROGRAM

  STEP ONE OF THE RECOVERY PROGRAM IS TO ADMIT I WAS POWERLESS OVER OR UNDER MY CHEMICAL DEPENDENCY ADDICTION. MY DRUG OF CHOICE WAS MARIJUANA. I HAD A PILL POPPING PHASE AT 26 FOR ONE YEAR. I STARTED SMOKING MARIJUANA AT AGE 14 IN MIAM, FLORIDA. I RESUMED FOR A SHORT TIME AT 15 IN CONYERS, GEORGIA AFTER MOVING THERE. I BEGAN REGULARLY SMOKING MARIJUANA AGAIN AT 17 UNTIL 33. 34 WAS MY FIRST SOBER BIRTHDAY SINCE 17. I STARTED SMOKING MARIJUANA REGULARLY AGAIN DURING THE SUMMER BEFORE SENIOR YEAR IN HIGH SCHOOL. 

  WHEN I WAS POPPING PILLS AT AGE 26 IT STARTED WITH TRAMADOL AFTER BEING PRESCRIBED IT FOR A SPIDER BITE TO MY INNER THIGH NEAR MY CROTCH. I REALLY LIKED TRAMADOL. A GIRL AT MY JOB, KEE OR KAY, SOLD PILLS SHE WAS PRESCRIBED AND SHE HAD CODEINE OR PROMETHAZINE PILLS. THOSE WERE MY FAVORITE. I WAS NEVER INTO XANAX OR PERCOCET OR VICODINS. MAYBE I TRIED PERCOCET I CAN'T REMEMBER. 

  I REALLY PREFERRED PROMETHAZINE PILLS AND SMOKING WEED. I WAS WORKING TWO JOBS AT THE TIME FOR THE SECOND TIME IN MY LIFE AND SLEEPING HOURS WERE FEW AND FAR BETWEEN. THE PROMETHAZINE NAPS WERE AWESOME. TAKING THE PILL BEFORE SLEEP FOR WORK AND THEN WAKING UP TO GO TO WORK HAD A DIFFERENT FEELING THAN WAKING UP AND TAKING ONE BEFORE WORK WHILE SMOKING MARIJUANA. EVEN AT WORK I WAS WORKING HARDER THAN MOST AROUND ME AND KEE TOLD ME THEY WERE WONDERING WHAT I WAS ON. IT MADE ME LAUGH BC I WAS OUTWORKING THEM WHILE ON PROMETHAZINE, THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. 

  I KNEW PILLS WERE DANGEROUS SO I DIDN'T ALLOW MYSELF TO REMAIN A PILL POPPING ANIMAL. I TRIED COCAINE ONE TIME AT AGE 25. I THINK MY FRIEND JUST WANTED TO GET ME HOOKED ON IT SO I WOULD BUY IT WITH HIM OR FROM HIM. IT DIDN'T WORK. I DIDN'T LIKE THE HIGH. IT MADE ME CALM. I DIDN'T THINK COCAINE WAS SUPPOSED TO CALM YOU DOWN. I MUST BE PSYCHOTIC ASF IF COCAINE CALMED ME DOWN. I THOUGHT COCAINE WAS BASICALLY A FORM OF SPEED OR RUSH. I DON'T THINK THE STEREOTYPICAL PERCEPTION OF A CRACK SMOKER IS A CALM PERSON. 

  COCAINE MADE ME CALM BUT I PREFERRED THE MARIJUANA CALM WAY BETTER. ON COCAINE I WAS AT THE STRIP CLUB DREAMS WATCHING THE STRIPPERS CLIMB UP THIS WHAT I WOULD THINK WOULD BE A TEN TO TWENTY FOOT POLE. I WAS RUBBING MY HAIR AND STARING AT THE STRIPPERS THE ENTIRE TIME. I STARTED SMOKING NICOTINE AND TOBACCO REGULARLY AT AGE 21. I DRANK BEER ABD LIQUOR AT AGE 21. I RARELY DRANK UNDERAGE. I'M REALLY A ONE DRUG TRICK PONY. 

  MARIJUANA WAS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. I WAS SEXUALLY TRAUMATIZED MANY TIMES OVER THE YEARS BETWEEN SEVEN AND FOURTEEN. MY MIND WAS FUELED BY TRAUMATIZED EMOTIONS. MARIJUANA WAS THE FIRST TIME MY MIND FELT CALM AND PEACEFUL AFTERWARDS. LOOKING BACK ON IT NOW IT WAS DEFINITELY A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY. IT WAS A PEACEFUL CALMNESS UNDER FALSE PRETENSES. 

  AS SOON AS I CAME DOWN, DEESCALATED, OR DESCENDED FROM THE CLOUD NINE, I WAS ONCE AGAIN EMOTIONALLY MISERABLE FROM THE MENTAL CHAOS. MY MIND WAS RESTLESS, IRRITABLE AND DISCONTENTED, AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT. 

  FAST FORWARD TO OCTOBER OF 2023 OR LAST YEAR AND I WAS READY TO ADMIT MY LIFE HAD BECOME UNMANAGEABLE AND I NEEDED HELP FOR I PROBLEM. I DIDN'T WANT TO FEEL AS IF I NEEDED MARIJUANA ANYMORE. THE ADDICTION WAS INSCRIBED WITH POVERTY. I WAS SPENDING ALL OF MY SPARE TIME AND SPARE CASH ON MARIJUANA. I HAD NO SAVINGS. I HAD NO INVESTMENT FUNDS AND I HAD NO RETIREMENT FUNDS. 

  NOW I AM MIDDLE AGE STARTING FROM SCRATCH. IT'S EXCITING. AS LONG AS I STOP BUYING MARIJUANA I CAN INVEST MY MONEY IN THE STOCK MARKET AND FOREIGN CURRENCY TRADING AND I WILL EARN MY FIRST MILLION USD. PUTTING MY CAPITAL ON THE FINANCIAL MARKETS AND FINANCIALLY SPECULATING ON THE RED OR THE BLUE BUTTON IN THE FOREX MARKET AND SPECULATING ON THE BLUE BUTTON FOR EMERGING INDUSTRIES AND EMERGING SECTORS IN THE STOCK MARKET. 

  I STARTED TRADING CURRENCY AND HOLDING STOCKS AND CRYPTO CURRENCY IN 2017-2018. THIS IS HOW I ECONOMICALLY CONQUERED MY ADDICTION AND SWITCHED MY ADDICTION. THE FIRST TIME I MADE $50 IN AN HOUR TRADING RIPPLE XRP, A CRYPTOCURRENCY AFTER MAKING $15 IN AN HOUR TRADING A FIAT CURRENCY, MAYBE NZDUSD, I WAS ENTHUSIASTICALLY HOOKED. 

  FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE 17 I FOUND SOMETHING BESIDES CREATING ART I LIKE TO DO MORE THAN SMOKE THE GANJA. I WAS SO EXCITED. THERE WAS HOPE FOR ME YET I EXCLAIMED. I KNEW MY SOUL AND FUTURE DESTINY COULD BE REDEEMED AFTER ALL. FOR THE LAST 6 YEARS I SPENT MY WEED MONEY ON LEARNING THRU EXPERIENCE HOW TO READ A FINANCIAL CHART THRU TRIAL AND ERROR. IF I CRASH A $100 FOREX ACCOUNT BY MAKING THE WRONG TRADE, I PAID $100 TO LEARN WHAT NOT TO DO AND EVENTUALLY ADD UP THE LEARNED LESSONS AND GROW INTO A PROFITABLE TRADER. 

  IF I BURN UP $100 IN 20-30 ANOREXIC BLUNTS I WILL FEEL REALLY GOOD FOR THE TIME SPAN IT TAKES TO SMOKE 20-30 BLUNTS, BUT WHAT DID I LEARN? THAT I'M STUPID. THINKING ABOUT SMOKING 20 BLUNTS SOUNDS REALLY GOOD RIGHT NOW. I STILL LOVE WEED. I STILL MISS IT. THIS IS WHAT SCARES ME. I'M NOT READY TO BE IN THE FREE OUTSIDE WORLD. I'M LIVING IN A SOBER LIVING PROGRAM RIGHT NOW. 

  MY SOBRIETY IS MANUFACTURED. THIS IS AN ARTIFICIALLY CREATED SOBRIETY. THIS SOBRIETY IS FORCED UPON ME. AS LONG AS I REMAIN IN THE PROGRAM THEN I MUST BE SOBER. YES I CHOOSE TO REMAIN IN THE PROGRAM BUT WHAT IF I GET KICKED OUT? WILL I SMOKE AGAIN? I'LL LOSE ACCESS TO THE MEETINGS WE GO TO DAILY WITH TRANSPORTATION PROVIDED. I'LL HAVE TO FIND A HEROIN ANONYMOUS MEETING WHEREVER I AM AT CLOSE TO ME AND TRANSPORT MYSELF THERE SEVERAL TIMES DAILY IF NOT ONCE DAILY BEFORE OR AFTER WORK. 

  THOSE ARE MY NIGHTMARES. BEING SURROUNDED BY A GROUP OF RECOVERING ADDICTS IS INSPIRING AND EMPOWERING. I FEEL APART OF A SPIRITUALLY INTERESTING AND REVITALIZING PROCESS AND PROGRAM. IT EMPOWERS ME TO BE IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE WHO WANT TO BE SOBER FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A LONG TIME AND OR PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN SOBER FOR A SHORT OR A LONG TIME. 

  THE MEETINGS ARE THE HIGHLIGHTS OF MY DAY. IF I TAKE THE MEETINGS OUT OF MY LIFE THEN THE HOPELESS ILLUSION OF BEING HOPELESSLY LONELY THRU ISOLATION WILL ONCE AGAIN DECEIVE ME. I'LL START TO BELIEVE I'M ONCE AGAIN ALL ALONE IN MY STRUGGLES. I'LL START TO FEEL AS IF I WERE THE ONLY ONE GOING THRU WHAT I GO THRU. I WOULDN'T HEAR THE DAILY TESTIMONY OF THE GROUP CONSCIENCE. 

  I'VE BEEN ATTENDING MEETINGS DAILY FOR FOUR MONTHS STRAIGHT MINUS ONE MONTH AFTER MONTH TWO. I RELAPSED IN-BETWEEN SOBRIETY PROGRAMS. I WAS ACCUSED OF RELAPSING AND WAS KICKED OUT OF SOBER LIVING MARIETTA THREE WEEKS AFTER TRANSFERRING THERE FROM SOBER LIVING JONESBORO AND COLLEGE PARK. MY HOUSEMATES WITH OR WITHOUT MY ROOMMATE'S HELP THERE SET ME UP AND FRAMED ME IN MY SLEEP. MY ROOMMATE'S WALLET DISAPPEARED WHILE I WAS SLEEPING AND THEY BLAMED ME FOR IT. I WOKE UP TO HEARING EVERYONE DOWNSTAIRS SAYING YEA HE DID IT. I WAS WORKING SIX NIGHTS OVERNIGHT. 

  MY ROOMMATE SMOKED METH. WHY WOULD I STEAL AN EMPTY WALLET? HOW MUCH MONEY DOES A METH HEAD HAVE IN THEIR WALLET? THERE WAS NO MONEY IN HIS WALLET. THE PROGRAM DIRECTOR AND GUEST SERVICES JACKASS CODY BELIEVED THEM. THE WALLET WAS FOUND OUTSIDE IN THE BACKYARD AFTER EVERYONE EXCEPT ME LEFT THE HOUSE. I COULDN'T GO TO SLEEP PEACEFULLY SO I TRANSFERRED. 

  THEN I GET KICKED OUT FOR FAILING A RIGGED DRUG TEST. A STORE BOUGHT DRUG TEST BOUGHT FOR ME ONLY. THE STRIP SAID I TESTED NEGATIVE. DOESN'T A NEGATIVE RESULT MEAN I PASSED? THE GUEST SERVICES RICK DIDN'T LIKE THE RESULT. HE LOOKED AT THE CUP. THE CUP SAYS I STILL HAD MARIJUANA IN MY SYSTEM. WELL STILL HAVING MARIJUANA IN MY URINE AFTER 60 DAYS DOESN'T MEAN I SMOKED AHILE IN THD PROGRAM. 

  THEY KICKED ME OUT AND I WAS LIVING IN MY BEST FRIEND ISAIAH'S BMW FOR A MONTH IN NOVEMBER. FROM THANKSGIVING WEEK TO CHRISTMAS WEEK. MY 34TH BIRTHDAY WAS NEW YEARS WEEKEND. THE EVE OF CHRISTMAS EVE I WAS ADMITTED TO WE ARE LIVING PROOF IN DULUTH. I USED FO LIVE AROUND THD CORNER FROM THERE LAST JULY. FROM JULY TO OCTOBER I MOVED IN WITH MY BROTHER JUSTIN, AN ACTIVE ADDICT TO MARIJUANA. 

  FROM THERE I WENT TO THE HOSPITAL CLAIMING SUICIDAL THOUGHTS ON A FRIDAY. I BOUGHT MY LAST THREE FIVE OR THREE AND A HALF GRAMS OF THE GANJA ON OCTOBER 1ST. BY OCTOBER 5TH IT WAS GONE. THEY SENT ME TO THE REHAB ON SUNDAY. IT WAS MY NEPHEW CAYENNE'S THIRD BIRTHDAY MAYBE. THEY WERE OUT CELEBRATING HIS BIRTHDAY. THEY CAME BACK AND I WAS GONE. THEY HAVEN'T SEEN ME SINCE. THEY SAW ME ONE TIME SINCE. THEY WEREN'T HAPPY TO SEE ME. 

  AM I WRONG FOR WANTING HELP? AM I WRONG FOR ADMITTING MY LIFE HAD BECOME UNMANAGEABLE AND I'M BACK AT MY BROTHER'S HOUSE WITH HIS WIFE AND THREE KIDS? AM I WRONG FOR NOT WANTING TO STRAIN A 10 YEAR MARRIAGE? IS A 10 YEAR MARRIAGE NOT STRAINING ENOUGH WITHOUT HAVING TO DEAL WITH YOUR SPOUSE'S MOTHER AND LITTLE BROTHER? 

  MY MOTHER IS GRANDMA OR BEBE. BEBE HAS A ROLE. THE SINGLE UNCLE WITH NO KIDS AND WIFE WHO SMOKES WEED AND WORKS AT MCDONALDS DOESN'T NECESSARILY HAVE A ROLE. YES THE KIDS LOVED ME BUT I ONLY FELT TOLERATED AND SLIGHTLY CONDONED BY MY BROTHER AND HIS WIFE. THEY TOOK ME IN DURING AN EMERGENCY SITUATION. HAD MY MOTHER NOT NEEDED HELP PAYING HER CAR NOTE I WOULD HAVE LEFT FOR REHAB THE NEXT DAY IMMEDIATELY AFTER MOVING MY MOTHER'S BELONGINGS TO MY BROTHER. THIS WAS MY ORIGINAL ESCAPE PLAN. I DON'T LIKE BEING A BURDEN. 

  I WANTED TO FIND MY OWN WAY. I WANTED TO BE INDEPENDENT. I WANTED TO FORCE MYSELF INTO A SITUATION WHERE I WOULD LEARN TO STAND ON MY OWN TWO FEET FOR GOOD. I NEEDED HELP CONQUERING MY ADDICTION. I WANT TO GO TO COLLEGE FOR ACTING AND ECONOMICS. I WANT INVEST MY CAPITAL IN THE EMERGING INDUSTRIES AND EMERGING SECTORS ON THE STOCK MARKET. I WANT TO ISOLATE MYSELF TO FOCUS ON MY CURRENCY TRADING. 

  I WANT TO EARN MY FIRST BILLION DOLLARS FROM THE STOCK MARKERT AFTER EARNING MY FIRST MILLION FROM CURRENCY TRADING. I CAME TO THE RECOVERY PROGRAM WITH A MASTER PLAN. AND EVERYTIME I REACH TWO MONTHS THE DEVIL ATTACKS ME OR GOD IS JUST SENDING THE DEVIL AT ME TO TEST MY FAITH. I FEEL LIKE GOD POSES AS THE DEVIL TO TRAT YOUR FAITH IN GOD. 

  I FEEL LIKE THE DEVIL IS GOD'S HOMEBOY SENT TO YOU BY GOD ON A SECRET MISSION TO SEE IF YOU CAN BE STEERED AWAY FROM GOD AND THUS IF GOD CAN TRUST YOU. I FEEL LIKE THE DEVIL IS AN UNDERCOVER NARCOTICS AGENT IN A STING OPERATION. THIS LIFE IS A STING OPERATION. GOD AND THE DEVIL ARE HOMEBOYS. THIS IS ALL A GAME. I LOOK AT IT LIKE THIS. YOU HAVE A WIFE. YOU TEXT YOUR WIFE FROM AN ONLINE NUMBER PRETENDING TO BE A CELEBRITY TO SEE IF YOU CAN GET YOUR WIFE TO CHEAT ON YOU WITH A CELEBRITY. YOU ARE TESTING YOUR WIFE'S LOYALTY TO YOU BY POSING AS HER FAVORITE AND ULTIMATE CELEBRITY CRUSH. THIS CHAPTER IS DONE BUT TOMORROW GOD WILLING, I WILL ADD ANOTHER CHAPTER. THE STORY REMAINS UNFINISHED. THIS WAS JUST THE INTRODUCTION. IT'S 1:40AM EST. I'VE BEEN TYPING FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT BETWEEN 6-7AM EST FOR WORK AT 8AM. BUT I HAVE TO FORGET ABOUT THE TIME CONSTRAINTS AND MAKE THE TIME, GIVE UP THE SPARE TIME TO FOCUS ON FINISHING THIS BOOK. 

  I'M CONTEMPLATING RECORDING AUDIO DIARIES FOR AN HOUR AS WELL NOW. I SPENT EIGHT HOURS AT WORK YESTERDAY. WHAT'S 2.5 HOURS FOCUSING ON MY BOOK AND MY AUDIO COLLECTION. ADDING TO MY AETISTIC PORTFOLIO IS MY MAIN FACTOR IN BEING DRIVEN TO DESIRE MORE TIME ON EARTH. I'M AT THE MOST PEACE WHEN I AM CREATING ART. I'M MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY TRAUMATIZED. BEFORE THE REHAB, DIAGNOSIS AND MEDICATION, ARTISTIC THERAPY WAS MY ONLY SOURCE OF HEALING. I DIDN'T GET REHAB, DIAGNOSIS AND MEDICATION UNTIL CHRISTMAS OF 2022.

   I TURNED 33 THE DAY AFTER BEING RELEASED FROM REHAB. I SPENT CHRISTMAS IN REHAB. IT WAS THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER. I WENT TO TWO MORE REHABS AFTER THIS IN 2023. ONCE EVERY THREE MONTHS I WENT BACK TO REHAB. I'VE HAD THE MOST PEACEFUL SOBER MOMENTS OF MY LIFE IN REHAB LAST YEAR. THAT'S A LONG TIME TO BE TRAUMATIZED WITHOUT ANY OUTSIDE HELP. MY ARTISTIC PROCESS THERAPY SAVED MY LIFE. I PROBABLY WOULD HAVE FATALLY INJURED MYSELF A LONG TIME AGO HAD I NOT SOUGHT REFUGE IN MY WRITING, AUDIO RECORDING AND FILMMAKING. I KNEW IF I KILLED MYSELF THEN THE WORLD LOSES A GREAT ARTIST TO HIS OWN SUFFERING. 

  I COULDN'T WASTE THE TALENT. I TURNED IT INTO SKILL INSTEAD AND USED THE TRAUMA TO FUEL ME. I'M A VERY MISUNDERSTOOD PERSON. I HAVE FEW FRIENDS. I'M AHEAD OF MY TIME. IT'S HARD TO FIND PEOPLE WHO RELATE TO HOW I THINK AND FEEL. I WAS BORN TO DO STRANGE THINGS. MY DESTINY IS ONCE IN A GENERATION. I WANT TO GET THERE. I THOUGHT I WAS CHASING OUTER GREATNESS BUT I WAS AN ADDICT. I WAS ACTUALLY RUNNING FROM THE INNER GREATNESS ALREADY INSIDE.