DEAR VANESSA, THE HONEY LETTERS

5:14PM EST - 5:45PM EST

10.7.2019

DEAR VANESSA,
   MY MIND HAS BEEN RESTLESS. MY MIND WAS ALWAYS RESTLESS. MAYBE THINGS NEVER CHANGE IN THIS REGARD. THE DIFFERENCE IS I HAVE BEEN SOBER. THE ONLY TIME THE MIND FEELS BETTER IS WHEN I AM CREATING SOMETHING OR RELEASING THE PRESSURE. THE PRESSURE JUST BUILDS UP IN THE BRAIN. IT REALLY SUCKS. IT IS OCTOBER AGAIN, ANOTHER OCTOBER. YOU PASSED AWAY ON OCTOBER 23RD, 2012. IT IS THE SEVENTH YEAR WITHOUT YOU. I THINK ABOUT ALL OF THE PAIN YOUR MOTHER AND FAMILY GO THRU. IT IS HARD FOR ME TO TAKE NAPS DURING THE DAY OR TO DO NOTHING WITH MY OFF TIME. I AM ALWAYS THINKING ABOUT YOU. YOU ARE STILL ON MY PHONE, A PICTURE OF YOU.

  I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING WITH MY LIFE. I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING WITH MY LIFE. SOMETHING GREAT MUST BE DONE WITH MY TIME AND MY LIFE ENERGY. I SHOULDN'T TAKE MY TIME FOR GRANTED. IT IS THE BIGGEST GIFT, THE GREATEST GIFT. I LOOK AT IT LIKE THIS BUT I NEED TO SEE WHAT IT REALLY MEANS. ONCE MY TIME ON EARTH IS GONE IT IS GONE, I WILL NEVER KNOW HOW MUCH TIME I HAVE. YOU ARE THE SECOND FRIEND I MADE WHO DISAPPEARED FROM EARTH. YOU LEFT VERY EARLY. IT LEFT ME SHOOK. WHEN NAIJAH DIED I CAN'T EVEN EXPLAIN THE SHOCK. HE WAS THE FIRST FRIEND I LOST. I WISH I WAS THERE FOR HIM MORE. I WASN'T EVEN OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL YET I WAS SO YOUNG. IT BOTHERS ME I HAD TO LEARN THOSE LESSONS AFTER THE FACT. NAIJAH DIED IN A CAR. YOU DIED IN SOMEONE ELSE'S HOUSE. NAIJAH DIED IN AN ACCIDENT. YOU DIED IN A VIOLENT SITUATION.

  IT IS EASIER TO RATIONALIZE A CAR ACCIDENT BUT MURDER IS IRRATIONAL. MAYBE YOU NEVER KNEW HOW IMPORTANT YOU WOULD BE TO ME AFTER DEATH. YOU WERE ALWAYS A DEAR FRIEND I SAW ON A REGULAR BASIS DURING A THREE YEAR PERIOD. I KNEW YOU FOR THREE YEARS AND THE EFFECTS HAVE LASTED A LIFETIME. ONLY WHEN I AM EXPRESSING THE THOUGHTS IN MY BRAIN DOES THE BRAIN RELEASE THE PRESSURE. I SHOULDN'T OVERTHINK IT. MAYBE I AM ONLY SADDENED WHEN I AM NOT EXPRESSING THE SADNESS. I WRITE IT OUT FOR ME. TO MAKE IT EASIER TO DEAL WITH, I LOOK OUT THRU MY EYES AND REALIZE THE ONLY PAIN EXISTS INSIDE OF THE MIND. THE MOMENT IS ALWAYS PEACEFUL.

 I AM FACING MY INNER DEMONS AND THE INNER PAIN. THE MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL INFLICTION, I AM DEALING WITH IT. I HAVEN'T SMOKED MARIJUANA IN THREE WEEKS, THIS IS THE FOURTH WEEK. I AM LOSING COUNT. IT'S GOING ON A MONTH NOW. I AM SO HAPPY ABOUT THAT. I AM DEALING WITH THE PAIN HEAD ON. WITHIN THIS LETTER TO YOU ARE MESSAGES TO MYSELF I MUST REMEMBER IN ORDER TO HELP ME SEE WHAT I NEED TO SEE. I HAVE BEEN SMOKING SINCE A YEAR BEFORE I MET YOU. RIGHT BEFORE WE MET, I STARTED SMOKING. I DON'T WANT TO WASTE MY TIME ON EARTH. I DON'T WANT TO WASTE MY LIFE. I HAVE ALREADY WASTED SO MUCH MONEY ON IT. I AM GRATEFUL I SEE IT NOW, AFTER TEN YEARS. TOOK ME A DECADE AND THREE LOST FRIENDS TO WAKE UP. MAKES ME SAD.

 THE PAIN GOES NOWHERE. ANY PAIN I FELT THEN, I STILL FEEL NOW. I WANT TO FULLY UTILIZE MY TIME. NOTHING I CAN ACQUIRE ON EARTH CAN BE TAKEN WITH ME EXCEPT MY GROWTH. MY WRITING AND RECORDINGS CAN BE LEFT HERE AND THAT IS MY FOCUS. I WASN'T FOCUSED ON ACQUIRING THINGS I COULD NOT TAKE WITH ME. AT THE SAME TIME I DO NEED TO ACQUIRE ENOUGH TO LIVE A COMFORTABLE LIFE AND MAINTAIN MY ECONOMIC INDEPENDENCE. I DO NEED TO ACQUIRE ENOUGH TO LEAVE AN INHERITANCE TO THOSE WHOM I LOVE. I AM GROWING HONEY.