THE MISTRESS CHAPTER ONE

“THE MISTRESS”

VANESSA B. STALLONE (PEN NAME)

SPECTRAL FONT 

RECORDED IN THE PARK ON LODI STREET BY THE CHASE BANK YOU FEEL ME? SYRACUSE NEW YORK

TRANSCRIBED BETWEEN THURSDAY AUGUST 29TH, 2019-

OK, CHAD XZAVIER HARRIS RECORDING ON 3:50PM EASTERN TIME ON AUGUST 29TH, 2019. WE’RE GOING TO RECORD A BRAND NEW STORY, CALLED “THE MISTRESS”, AND UM, YEA, WE’RE GOING TO RECORD A BRAND NEW STORY CALLED THE MISTRESS. WTF? ALRIGHT OUT OF NOWHERE, THAT TREE BRANCH JUST STARTED MOVING AND CRACKING, AND FALLING AND SH WE’RE GOING TO WALK OVER THERE. 

UM, THE MISTRESS, UH, ALL OF THE THOUGHTS, ARE ABOUT TO JUST POUR OUT. SO I DON’T HAVE ANY THOUGHTS JUST LINED UP ON PAPER OR ANYTHING, UM, “THE MISTRESS”. WHAT’S THE BACKSTORY OF “THE MISTRESS”? UH “THE MISTRESS”, IS DEDICATED TO PRINCESS DIANA, UM, THE ANNIVERSARY OF HER ASSASSINATION, IS COMING UP IN A FEW DAYS AND UM, I HAVE SO MUCH RESPECT FOR HER AND WHAT SHE STOOD FOR. I ALWAYS LIKE TO GO BACK, AND MAKE OTHER PROJEECTS ABOUT HER, ANY OTHER PROJECTS I DID ABOUT HER THAT ARE UNRELEASED, THEY WOULD HAVE TO HAVE BEEN FROM, LIKE 2016. I REMEMBER, I DID THE “CREEPEE PASTA VOLUME TWO” ABOUT HER ASSASSINATION. 

I CAN’T WAIT TO GET THE CORDS FOR MY LAPTOP SO I CAN UM, HAVE ACCESS TO THE HARD DRIVE AND GET THAT AUDIO FILE, UPLOAD IT AD ALSO TRANSCRIBE IT. UM, “THE MISTRESS”, DEDICATED TO PRINCESS DIANA, UM, IT’S NOT ABOUT HER IT’S REALLY ABOUT THOUGHTS SHE INSPIRED AND THOUGHTS SHE HELPED ME WITH YOU KNOW UM? IT’S JUST USING HER STORY AS AN ANCHOR, FOR CERTAIN DECISIONS, THOUGHTS AND STUFF LIKE THAT. 

LET’S JUST GO AND GET INTO IT, UH, “THE MISTRESS”. UH, WHERE DO WE START WITH THAT? UH, LET’S JUST START WITH LIKE, SOCIAL COMMENTARY AND SATIRE RIGHT? OK, I USED TO HAVE THIS JOKE, TO MYSELF, THAT I WOULD TELL MYSELF. IT’S A KIND OF RECENT JOKE LIKE, BEING IN NEW YORK KIND OF THING. UM, THE JOKE WAS LIKE, HEY LIKE, WHY DON’T YOU JUST LIKE, GIVE UP ON FINDING A GIRLFRIEND AND JUST UM, JUST SETTLE ON A MISTRESS. 

YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? JUST TELL THEM STRAIGHT UP, LIKE ALRIGHT, I’M SINGLE, I DON’T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND OR A WIFE, BUT I’M JUST, I’M JUST LOOKING FOR A MISTRESS AND I JUST FIND THAT REALLY FUNNY. I WAS LIKE HOLD ON, HOW DO YOU, HOW DO YOU, SELL THAT? LIKE OK, I’M SINGLE, BUT I’M NOT LOOKING FOR A GIRLFRIEND OR A WIFE. I’M ONLY LOOKING FOR A MISTRESS. SO THEN IT’S LIKE, WHAT‘S THE DEFINITION OF A MISTRESS THOUGH MY NIGGA?

YOU FEEL ME? LIKE WHAT’S THE REAL, HARDCORE DEFINITION OF A MISTRESS? LIKE MAYBE WE SHOULD LOOK THAT UP LIKE, YOU ALREADY KNOW THE EFFING, LET’S JUST LOOK IT UP. DEFINE “MISTRESS” RIGHT? WHAT ARE THE PREREQUISITES, FOR A MISTRESS? WELL, WHEN YOU TYPE IN DEFINE, THE TOP GOOGLE SEARCHES, FOR JUST THE WORD DEFINE. “PANSEXUAL” IS NUMBER ONE. NUMBER TWO IS “NARCISSIST”. NUMBER THREE IS “CLOUT” NUMBER FOUR IS SOCIALISM. FIVE IS LOVE. SIX IS FASCISM SEVEN IS BIGOT AND EIGHT IS SOCIOPATH.

SO THAT JUST SHOWS YOU, WHAT THE F IS GOING ON IN THE WORLD. NIGGAS ARE LOOKING UP PANSEXUAL, NARCISSIST, CLOUT INVOLVING SOCIALISM, LOOKING FOR LOVE INSIDE OF FASCISM, AND THE BIGOTS AND SOCIOPATHS, EFFIN CRAZY. ANYWAY, NOW DEFINE “MISTRESS” BOOM! “MISTRESS”, A WOMAN IN A POSITION OF AUTHORITY OR CONTROL, OH SH. I GET IT, A WOMAN IN POSITION OF AUTHORITY OF CONTROL. SHE WAS ALWAYS THE MISTRESS OF THE SITUATION. AW, OK, THEN NUMBER TWO WOULD BE A WOMAN HAVING AN EXTRA-MARITAL SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP, ESPECIALLY WITH A MARRIED MAN. 

OK, SO, SO, THE CORRECT DEFINITION OF A MISTRESS, I GOTTA HURRY UP AND BUY NEW SHOES THIS SH’S CRAZY UM. THE DEFINITON OF THE WORD “MISTRESS”. UH, IT REQUIRES PRETTY MUCH ONE OR BOTH OF YOU ALL, TO ALREADY BE IN A MARITAL RELATIONSHIP. SO YOU HAVE TO BE MARRIED, YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING TO HAVE A MISTRESS OR WHAT NOT? YOU HAVE TO BE MARRIED, UM, YOU GOTTA BE MARRIED RIGHT? OK, YOU GOTTA BE MARRIED. (LAUGHS) SO, IF I’M NOT MARRIED AND SHE’S NOT MARRIED UH, TECHNICALLY IT’S NOT A MISTRESS. 

THAT’S COOL BECAUSE, THAT’S NOT A REALLY A DEFINITION, THAT YOU WANT TO DEFINE YOUR LIFE ANYWAY. I WOULDN’T WANT TO REALLY HAVE A MISTRESS, LIKE, THAT WAS THE WHOLE POINT. LIKE ALRIGHT, BAICALLY, BY ME WALKING UP TO A GIRL AND TALKING TO HER AND BEING LIKE HEY, UM, HI, MY NAME IS CHAD, I’M SINGLE, I UM, I’M NOT LOOKING FOR A GIRLFRIEND OR A WIFE UH I’M JUST LOOKING FOR A MISTRESS. THEN IT

IF SHE,  IT PAUSED, YOU KNOW, OK, UM, HI MY NAME IS CHAD, UM, I’M 29, I’M SINGLE, I’M NOT MARRIED, UM, I’M NOT LOOKING FOR A GIRLFRIEND UM I’M ONLY LOOKING FOR A MISTRESS RIGHT? THEN IT’S LIKE, THAT’S REALLY SILLY BECAUSE, IF SHE’S SINGLE AND NOT MARRIED AND I’M SINGLE AND NOT MARRIED, THEN SHE COULDN’T BE MY MISTRESS.  THAT WAS THE WHOLE POINT, IT’S JUST ME BASICALLY ADMITTING LIKE OK, UM, EVERYBODY CHEATS SO WHY WOULD I YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING, WANNA GET CHEATED ON? 

SO, WHY DON’T YOU JUST, LIKE, OK, IF I WALK UP TO EM AND BE LIKE YEA I’M JUST LOOKING FOR A MISTRESS. YOU KNOW, EVEN IF THEY WERE DOWN WITHT THE SH IT’D BE LIKE OK, BUT YOU’RE NOT REALLY MARRIED SO WHY HAVE ME AS YOUR MISTRESS? I JUST LIKE, YOU KNOW, DON’T DO THE GIRLFRIEND THING OR WHATEVER, AND THAT WAS THE WHOLE POINT. IT’S LIKE, EVERYBODY CHEATS LIKE, LIKE NOBODY’S FAITHFUL ANYMORE RIGHT?

LIKE, THAT WHOLE JOKE, WAS JUST ME LIKE BEING HONEST ABOUT, MY FEAR OF UH, YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING, MY FEAR OF - I’M WALKING UP A HILL AND IT’S EFFING STEEP. IT’S A LOT OF HILLS IN SYRACUSE IT’S CRAZY. UH, IT’S JUST UM, LET ME THINK, HOLD UP I’M ALMOST UP THIS BX. IT’S JUST LIKE OK, SO EVERYBODY  CHEATS, NOBODY’S FAITHFUL, EVERYONE’S AN EFFING WHORE, EVERYONE WANTS TO FK WHOEVER THEY WANT TO FK. YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? WHENEVER THEY WANT TO FK THEM, AND THEY HAVE ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND REASONS WHY THAT SH’S OK.

 LET THAT MF CATCH AIDS OR CATCH CHILDREN AND EFFING GET PUT ON CHILD SUPPORT AND LOSE CUSTODY OF THE CHILDREN, NEVER HAVE CUSTODY OF THE CHILDREN, AND HAVE THESE  CHILDREN RUNNING AROUNDTHIS EFFING WORLD WITHOUT EVEN FULLY KNOWING THEIR PARENTS, CAUSING DESTRUCTION AND DEPRESSION ALL OVER THE EFFING PLACE, LIKE YOUR KIDS WERE BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOUR GUIDANCE, ON SOME STUPID SH, THEN THEY WANT ALL OF THE PITY IN THE WORLD. I HAVE NO PITY FOR NONE OF YOU NIGGAS. 

I HAVE NO PITY FOR ANY OF YOU NIGGAS, I’M TALKING TO EVERYBODY LIKE I’M YOUR OLDER EFFING BROTHER, LIKE I’M YOUR EFFING UNCLE OR SOME SH. LIKE I’M NOT GOING TO CUT YOU ANY SLACK, I LOOK AT WOMEN, LIKE I WAS THEIR EFFING UNCLE. LIKE, THAT’S THE ONLY, LIKE THEY SAY THAT SH, IN “THE GAME” OR “THE PUA MYSTERY METHOD” SH, I DIDN’T GET IT, NINE YEARS AGO.

YOU REALLY DO HAVE TO TALK TO ‘EM LIKE YOUR LITTLE SISTER, BECAUSE, THE AVERAGE PERSON IS NOT A LEADER. SO THE AVERAGE WOMAN IS NOT A LEADER AND THAT’S WHERE WE WENT WRONG. THE PURSUIT OF WOMEN WA THE DOWNFALL OF MAN. LIKE REAL SH, YOU CAN’T BLAME IT ON THE WOMAN FOR EATING THE EFFING APPLE. THAT MF DIDN’T KNOW ANY BETTER, SHE’S AN EFFING WOMAN. YOU FEEL ME? ALL SHE WANTED TO DO WAS JUST HAVE FUN!

WE DIDN’T HAVE TO FOLLOW HER GOOFY ASS. LIKE, THAT’S ALL I’M SAYING, THAT’S ALL I’M SAYING, I’M NOT BEING LED BY ANYONE DUMBER THAN ME AND I’M DAM SURE NOT BEING LED BY A D.A.B. YOU FEEL ME? SO LIKE, THAT’S THE MIDDLE GROUND WE HAVE TO COME TO, LIKE, WOMAN WASN’T THE FALL OF MAN. IT WAS MAN PURSUING WOMAN IN THE FIRST EFFING PLACE. LIKE YOU JUST WANT YOUR EFFING RIB BACK. YOU FEEL ME? ON SOME DUMB SH.

SO, I HAVE NO EFFING PITY FOR PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT DON’T HAVE CUSTODY OF THEIR CHILD, OR ANY OF THAT SH, OR NONE OF THAT SH BRO. LIKE NONE OF THAT SH BRO, LIKE, IT’S SERIOUS, SERIOUS CONSEQUENCES TO SEXUAL MISCONDUCT AND RECKLESSNESS. I’VE LEARNED THOSE LESSONS AS A CHILD. THAT SH WILL HAUNT YOU FOREVER SO I HAVE NO EFFING SYMPATHY FOR YOU MFS, YOU WANT TO GET HAUNTED, THEN JUST KEEP ON BEING AS STUPID AS YOU WANT TO BE MY NIGGA BUT. YOU’RE NOT GOING TO GET ANY POINTS WHEN IT COMES TO EFFING, RATING INTELLIGENCE, YOU’RE NOT GOING TO GET ANY EFFING POINTS FOR THAT SH. 

YOU DON’T GET ANY POINTS EFFING POINTS FOR GETTING A WOMAN PREGNANT AND THEN EFFING ABANDONING HER, YOU CAN MAKE UP ANY EFFING EXCUSES YOU WANT. YOU CAN CALL HER A DUMB BX WHEN YOU SHOULD’VE KNOW THE BX WAS DUMB, WHEN YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN HER. YOU FEEL ME? YOU’RE NO EFFING SMARTER. LIKE REAL SH, LIKE YOU ALWAYS FIND OUT SHE WAS DUMB AFTER YOU GOT HER PREGNANT. YOU WERE JUST IN A RUSH. LIKE MFS ARE IN A REAL RUSH, TO THROW AWAY THEIR FREEDOM SO, THAT WAS THE WHOLE POINT OF THAT WHOLE JOKE.

IT WAS LIKE, OK, I’M NOT LOOKING FOR AN EFFING GIRLFRIEND, BECAUSE, YOU’RE PROBABLY A HO AND I’M PROBABLY A HO, SO WHAT’S THE EFFING POINT OF LIKE, TWO HOES TRYING TO BE FAITHFUL? LIKE, ARE WE BOTH HOES OR ARE WE BOTH FAITHFUL, YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? LIKE I HAVE PROVED IT TO MYSELF THAT I CAN GO MULTIPLE YEARS WITHOUT SEX, BUT IF THE PERSON ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE CONVERSATION CAN’T LIKE DO THAT, THEN YOU KNOW, UH, THEY’RE GONNA BE CONSIDERED MORE HOE=ISH THAN I AM. YOU FEEL ME?

LIKE, LIKE, YOU KNOW, ALL I HAVE TO DO IS JUST ASK THEM, WHAT’S THE LONGEST YOU CAN GO WITHOUT SEX? THEN THEY’RE GOING TO SMILE AND SAY SOME STUPID SH, ACT LIKE IT’S CUTE AND NOT EVEN KNOWING THAT THEY’RE LIKE, THEY’RE SHOWING ALL OF THEIR WEAKNESSES RIGHT THERE TO ME. LIKE OK, I CAN NEVER TRUST YOU, YOU FEEL ME? LIKE I CAN GO YEARS WITHOUT SEX SO IT’S SAFE TO SAY YOU CAN ACTUALLY TRUST ME BECAUSE I’VE DONE IT BEFORE, ALONE. YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? 

IT’S LIKE YOU ASK A MF, LIKE WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU EFFING UH, SMOKED OR SOMETHING AND THEY WERE JUST LIKE UH, UH I CAN’T STOP SMOKING, I NEVER TRIED TO STOP. THEN IT’S LIKE, LIKE THAT’S WHEN YOU GET KIND OF WORRIED LIKE DAM. THIS PERSON HAS NO LIKE SELF CONTROL BUT I’M GOING TO SAY IT WITH AN EFFING SMILE ON MY FACE OH LIKE IT’S EFFING COOL. LIKE NAH, LIKE, I’M ON HERE, TALKING TO YOU ALL ABOUT, CHASING SOBRIETY AND DEALING WITH IT AND FACING IT.

IT’S HARD, IT’S NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL THOUGH. IT’S JUST A MENTAL THING. YOU KNOW, IT’S A PHYSICAL PLEASURE. IT’S AN EFFING PHYSICAL PLEASURE MAN. SO, YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? THAT’S ALL I’M TRYING TO SAY, TRY TO CONTROL HOW MUCH THE PHYSICAL PLEASURES CONTROL YOU OR WHATEVER, YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? UM, IT’S RAINING A LITTLE HARDER, I DON’T REALLY HAVE SHELTER. MY PHONE IS CRACKED, DROPPED IT A FEW NIGHTS AGO WHILE RIDING MY BIKE OR WHATEVER BUT UM. LET ME THINK, NO SHELTER OVER HERE, UM, EFFING  BACK HURTS, ALRIGHT. 

LIKE, THE MISTRESS, IT’S JUST LIKE, IT’S LIKE, IT’S REALLY JUST A REFLEECTION ON FAITHFULNESS. LIKE HOW FAITHFUL CAN YOU BE? IT’S LIKE, THAT’S ALL I WAS SAYING. BY ME, WALKING UP TO A WOMAN LIKE HEY, MY NAME’S CHAD I DON’T HAVE ANY CHILDREN OR A GIRLFRIEND OR A WIFE OR ANYTHING BUT I’M NOT LOOKING FOR ANY OF THAT RIGHT NOW. I JUST WANT A MISTRESS. I JUST WANT A SIDE CHICK. THAT’S MY WAY OF SAYING, TO THE GIRL, LIKE, LIKE THE WORLD IS EFFED UP AND YOU’RE VIEWS MIGHT BE EFFED UP TOO, SO THAT’S WHY I’M COMING TO YOU LIKE THIS. 

LIKE, LIKE YOU MIGHT HAVE LIKE NO SELF CONTROL AND YOU WANT TO BE A HO AND FK WHOEVER YOU WANT TO FK,WHENEVER, NO MATTER WHAT RIGHT? THAT’S YOUR EFFING RIGHT, RIGHT? TO GIVE YOUR BODY AWAY TO WHOEVER YOU WANT, YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? UH, AND IT IS. YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE THE RIGHT TO DEVALUE YOURSELF. YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? IF YOU WANT TO LESSEN YOUR WORTH, THEN-THEN GO RIGHT AHEAD. 

SHARE YOUR SOUL, WITH AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU EFFING CAN. IF YOU THINK THAT’S A GOOD IDEA. LIKE REAL EFFING SH, LIKE REAL EFFING SH, LIKE, YO, THE STATE OF THE WORLD SCARES THE FK OUT OF ME BRO. LIKE, NIGGAS ARE GETTING LED BY SILLY ASS WOMEN BRO LIKE, WE’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO LET THEM LEAD US. LIKE, THEY ARE NOT LEADING ME ANYWHERE I’M NOT LETTING THEM LEAD ME ANYWHERE. 

I’M NOT LETTING THEM LEAD ME ANYWHERE, YOU’RE NOT LEADING ME ANYWHERE. YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? I’M NOT TAKING ORDERS FROM YOU, I’M NOT EFFING FOLLOWING YOU. YOU THINK YOU’RE INSTAGRAM FAMOUS AND SH YOU HAVE A FEW THOUSAND EFFING FOLLOWERS. YOU HAVE TEN THOUSAND FOLLOWERS AND SH, YOU’RE NOT EVEN GETTING PAID OFF OF THE SH. LIKE, THEY’RE SO STUCK UP NOW BRO, THAT’S WHY I JUST WALK RIGHT PAST THEM.

I DON’T EVER SAY ANYTHING, I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY TO YOU. WHY DON’T YOU JUST LET A STUPID NIGGA GET YOU PREGNANT ALREADY SO YOU CAN BE OFF OF THE MARKET? THAT’S WHAT YOU MFS DON’T UNDERSTAND, AS SOON AS YOU GET PREGNANT, YOU’RE OFF THE MARKET. ONCE YOU’RE A SINGLE MOM, YOU’RE EFFING ROMANTIC LOVE LIFE IS DONE, NOBODY GIVES A FK. FK IF YOU’RE LONELY. YOU WANT COMPANIONSHIP,  ALRIGHT, YOU SHOULD’VE WAITED A LITTLE BIT LONGER, UNTIL YOU GOT OLDER AND PEOPLE WHO WERE AROUND YOU WERE MORE EFFING DEVELOPED. 

YOU FEEL ME? IF YOU RUSH, INTO A BUILDING THAT IS ON FIRE MY NIGGA YOU MIGHT NOT MAKE IT OUT. MFS RUSHED INTO THE EFFING BUILDING, OR MAYBE THEY JUST LIKE, WENT INTO THE BUILDING AND STARTED LOOKING AT THE WALLS LIKE IT WAS AN EFFING MUSUEM WITH PAINTINGS ON IT AND THEY DID NOT RUN OUT OF THE BUILDING IN TIME AND IT COLLAPSED ON THEM.

MAYBE YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO RUN IN THE BUILDING AND OUT FAST LIKE IT WAS AN EFFING AMUSEMENT PARK. YOU KNOW? SO, LIKE, AS AN AUTHOR, AS A NOVELIST, AS A WRITER, EXPRESSING THE POINT, I DON’T, HEY, IF YOU’RE A SINGLE FATHER, AS IN YOU DON’T HAVE CUSTODY OF  THE CHILD AND THE MOM DOES, LIKE, YOU PUT THAT ON YOURSELF. YOU FEEL ME?

LIKE YOU SHOULD’VE, YOU SHOULD’VE VETTED THAT OUT A LITTLE BIT BETTER. YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? THERE WAS NO RUSH. LIKE WHO PUT A SHOTGUN TO YOUR HEAD TELLING YOU TO GET THE MF PREGNANT? YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? SO, CONVERSELY, IF YOU ARE A SINGLE MOTHER AND THE DAD JUST UP AND EFFING LEFT, LIKE A LOT OF THEM DO, THAT WAS YOUR FAULT BABY GIRL I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT ME TO TELL YOU. 

YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? THAT NIGGA STUCK HIS DICK IN YOU, WITH YOUR PERMISSION. THAT NIGGA DID NOT RAPE YOU. CORRECT? IT WAS NO FORCED ENTRY. CORRECT? YOU ALLOWED THAT NIGGA TO STICK HIS DICK INSIDE OF YOUR VAGINA, IMPREGNATE YOU BY LEAVING SEMEN IN THERE, AND THEN - THEN HE GOT WHAT HE WANTED AND EFFING LEFT YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING?

LIKE THERE’S NO SYMPATHY, THERE’S ONLY EMPATHY BUT EMPATHY ONLY GOES SO FAR. THAT’S THE SECOND TIME SOMEBODY WALKED PAST ME AND I JUST STOP AND LET THEM PASS ME. I’M REALLY APPREHENSIVE, I DON’T REALLY WANT YOU ANYWHERE NEAR ME (LAUGHS) YOU KNOW? SO I DON’T EVEN CARE ABOUT ALL OF THAT FAME SH ANYMORE, I’D BE TOO JADED FOR IT ALL. I WOULDN’T WANT MFS RUNNING UP ON ME LIKE THAT ANYWAY. 

YOU KNOW SO ANYWAY, UM, YOU CAN CONSIDER IT HARSH IF YOU WANT. AT THE END OF THE DAY, YOU LEARN THAT SH IN BIOLOGY. IT’S CALLED SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST. SURVIVAL OF THE EFFING SMARTEST. STRAIGHT UP, ONLY THE STRONG SURVIVE MY NIGGA. LIKE, IF YOU’RE A SINGLE PARENT THAT’S WHAT YOU WANTED TO HAPPEN. SAME THING WITH ME, IF THE SAME THING HAPPENS TO ME THEN THAT’S WHAT I WANTED TO HAPPEN. 

YOU FEEL ME? IF YOU’RE NOT HARD ON THESE HOES YOU’RE GETTING A HEADACHE. STRAIGHT UP, THAT COMES FROM “MIKHAIL WIZE N ARIE QUARLES.” LIKE REAL SH, IF YOU’RE NOT HARD ON THESE HOES YOU’RE CATCHING A HEADACHE. YOU AINT GIVING ME ANY HEADACHES. I GET ENOUGH HEADACHES, I DON’T NEED SOMEONE TO GIVE ME A HEADACHE. WHAT I NEED THAT FOR? I COULD FIND A HEADACHE. I’M IN THE PARK RIGHT NOW. 

IF I WANT A HEADACHE, I’D RUN INTO A TREE. YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? SO IT’S LIKE, THAT’S THE ONLY WAY TO LIKE, KEEP YOUR GUARD UP. YOU HAVE TO KEEP YOUR GUARD UP. I HAVE MY GUARD UP. AIN’T A WOMAN WHOSE GOING TO CATCH ME SLIPPING BECAUSE SHE HAS A “PHAT” ASS. NAW, YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? I DUCK AND DODGE EM, EFFING RUNNING AWAY FROM THEM. 

I DON’T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH THEM, LIKE REAL SH, I FEEL GOOD EXPRESSING THIS SH, IT SOUNDS CYNICAL BUT YOU CAN THANK THE PHONE GIRL MEGAN FOR THAT SH. YOU FEEL ME? THIS WAS FOUR YEARS IN THE MAKING OF ME DEVELOPING IT TO THIS DEGREE BUT, YOU CAN THANK THE PHONE GIRL FOR THAT SH. I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ANY OF THAT SH ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TO CHAD OR NAH.

THAT LOVEY DOVEY NIGGA GOT KILLED. THROWN IN THE TRUNK, CHOPPED UP, DISMEMBERED, ON SOME ROY DEMEO SH. THAT NIGGA’S IN THE FOUNTAIN AVENUE DUMP OR SOME SH BRA. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU. THAT NIGGA’S GONE, YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? I’M NEVER GOING BACK EITHER YOU KNOW?

KEEPING MY EFFING GUARD UP, IT REALLY IS, OK, LIKE, THE MISTRESS, LIKE UM WATCHING THE PRINCESS DIANA DOCUMENTARIES ALL NIGHT AND ALL TODAY, BACK TO BACK, JUST ON REPEAT, AND FALLING ASLEEP ON IT, WAKING UP, WATCHING IT AGAIN AND PLAYING IT THRU MY SLEEP IT UH, EXCUSE ME, IT ALWAYS EFFING TEARS MY HEART UP TO, TO LISTEN TO HER IN HER OWN WORDS, TALKING AND EVERYTHING AND WATCHING EVERYTHING. 

THAT WHOLE THING LIKE BREAKS MY HEART AND STUFF. WHEN YOU REALLY, REALLY THINK ABOUT THE WHOLE MISTRESS THING AND THE WIFE THING, OK, UM, WHEN YOU GET A WIFE RIGHT, IS IT ACCEPTABLE, LIKE, OK, OK, LIKE,  ALL I’M REALLY TRYING TO SAY, WITHOUT GOING ALL INTO DETAIL ITH THAT IS OK, IF YOU KNOW YOU’RE AN EFFING WHORE AND A SLUT, AND I MEAN THAT IN BOTH GENDERS OR SEXES. I’M TALKING TO GUYS BECAUSE I’M A GUY YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING?

I’M KEEPING IT ALL EVEN. THAT HO AND SLUT SH GOES BOTH FKN WAYS. LIKE REAL SH, IT’S NOT JUST NO, I’M AS CRITICAL TO THE GUYS TOO BRO, YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? IT’S THE GUYS THAT ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THE LEADERS. LIKE REAL SH, IT’S THE GUYS WHO ARE SUPPOSED TO LEAD. I WOULDN’T DARE LET THE AVERAGE WOMAN EFFING LEAD ME BRO. LIKE, I DON’T EVEN HEAR GUYS TALKING ABOUT IDEAS. 

LIKE REAL SH, WHEN YOU ARE AROUND ME, FOR THE FIRST TIME, I’M GOING TO BE VERY EFFING QUIET. I’M NOT GOING TO SAY SH. I’M NOT GOING TO SAY SH. I’M GOING TO LISTEN, VERY HARD, TO EVERYTHING YOU’RE SAYING AND DO MY BEST NOT TO BE JUDGEMENTAL ABOUT IT. SO IF YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT SUPERFICIAL, DUMB ASS SH, THAT’S ALL I’M GOING TO SEE, GOING THRU MY EFFING EARS.

YO, LIKE, LIKE,REAL SH, THIS NIGGA’S NEVER SEEN ME BEFORE, THIS IS HIS FIRST IMPRESSION OF ME, THIS IS MY FIRST IMPRESSION OF HIM AS WELL AND HE IS GOING TO ENDLESSLY PORTRAY HIMSELF AS A DUMB ASS BUT HE THINKS IT’S FUCKING COOL. TALKING ABOUT BABY MAMA ONE, BABY MAMA TWO BEING AN “OPP”, AND ALL TYPES OF SH AND I’M LIKE YO!

THIS NIGGA WAS POPULAR IN HIGH SCHOOL ASF. YOU’RE EFFING MR. POPULAR YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? THAT SH’S CRAZY. THAT SH’S CRAZY SO I JUST LIKE, WEAR MY SHINY MJ JACKETS AND STAY AWAY FROM NIGGAS YOU FEEL ME? I JUST WEAR SHINY SH TO MAKE WOMEN JUST STARE AT ME, THEN I DON’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT (L). I JUST LET THEM STARE. THAT’S ALL I WANTED. I JUST WANTED YOUR ATTENTION. YOU KNOW? I’M AN ASSHOLE. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU.

LIKE, I’M NOT ABOUT TO BE THE ON GETTING PLAYED. YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? MFS LOVE TO EFFING PLAY WITH ME AND THEN I GET ALL ANGRY AND START SPAZZING AND THEN THEY’RE LIKE YO, CALM DOWN. I’M LIKE NO, I’LL CALM DOWN WHEN YOUR HEART STOPS BEATING BX YOU FEEL ME? LIKE I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU.

THIS IS ONE HELL OF A DEDICATION TO PRINCESS DIANA. I DON’T KNOW WHAT SHE WOULD THINK ABOUT THIS BUT, IT’S JUST, ME, THE INTRODUCTION, CHAPTER ONE BUT I HAVEN’T GOTTEN INTO LIKE, REALLY THE BREAD OR BREADTH OF UH WHAT I WANTED TO SAY YOU KNOW BUT UM, I JUST WANTED TO INTRODUCE THE TOPIC OR WHAT NOT.

    I HAD TO TAKE THE SOCIAL COMMENTARY OR SATIRE ROUTE. IT’S LIKE BRO, LIKE OK, ALL I’M SAYING IS LIKE, IF WE’RE GOING TO BE HOES ABOUT THIS SH, IF WE ARE GOING TO BE HOES AND EFFNG SLUTS THEN LIKE, LET’S JUST BE HONEST ABOUT THE EFFING SH LIKE FROM THE BEGINNING. THAT’S WHERE THE DECEPTION COMES INTO PLAY. IT’S LIKE THE PERSON IS TRYING TO CONVINCE YOU THAT THEY ARE GOING TO BE FAITHFUL TO YOU AND YOU ARE GOING TO BE FAITHFUL TO THEM. 

    WHY CAN’T WE BOTH JUST SIT AT THE TABLE AND DISCUSS THE SH? AM I ALLOWED TO HAVE A MISTRESS? ARE YOU ALLOWED TO HAVE ANOTHER GUY BECAUSE HERE’S WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN. THEY ARE GOING TO SAY NO, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE A MISTRESS, I’M NOT ALLOWED TO FK WITH ANOTHER GUY. THEN YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS? I DON’T  GET A MISTRESS, THEY GET MAD AT ME OVER SOME SH AND END UP FUCKING ANOTHER GUY. SO I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THAT STUPID SHIT YOU FEEL ME? 

LIKE I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THAT SH. I’M THE TYPE OF PERSON THAT’S LIKE LET’S JUST SIT DOWN AT THE EFFING TABLE AND DECIDE RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW, IF WE ARE GOING TO EFFING CHEAT ON EACH OTHER. LIKE REAL SH, LET’S JUST HAVE THAT CONVERSATION SO WE CAN NEVER SAY, WE DID NOT HAVE THAT CONVERSATION. YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING?

BUT PEOPLE ARE SO EFFING FAKE, EVEN WHEN YOU HAVE THAT CONVERSATION, THEY WON’T EVEN EFFING ADMIT IT. YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? BUT IF SHE CAN SAY YES, I WOULD LIKE TO, OCCASSIONALLY, GET SOME OTHER DICK THEN IT’S A MUTUAL AGREEMENT, EVEN THEN, IF WE WERE ABLE TO MAKE THAT AGREEMENT, EVEN THEN, WE SOLIDIFY IT, WHY DON’T WE JUST BREAK THE SH OFF THEN AND BE, YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING. 

IF YOU WANT TO BE A HO AND AN EFFING SLUT FOR THE REST OF YOUR EFFING LIFE, STARTING FROM THE TIME YOU GET OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL UNTIL THE TIME YOUR EFFING EGGS DISAPPEAR THEN LIKE, GO AHEAD. DON’T LIKE TRY TO PORTRAY YOURSELF OTHERWISE. YOU’RE NO LADY DIANA, IS ALL I’M SAYING SO TO EVEN ELIMINATE ALL OF THAT BULLSH OF HAVING TO HAVE MISTRESS NEGOITIATIONS; THAT’S SOME WILD ASS SH. THAT’S SOME REVOLUTIONARY ASS SH, KIND OF.

 IT’S MORE ALONG THE LINES OF OPEN RELATIONSHIP BUT IT’S JUST, FOR A NIGGA TO SIT DOWN WITH A CHICK AND BE LIKE, YOU KNOW, AND ACTUALLY HAVE A CONTRACT LIKE THAT, WHERE THERE IS NO BREACH OF CONTRACT TERMS, EVEN THEN I’LL START TO FEEL BAD ABOUT WRITING THAT CONTRACT. I’D START TO FEEL BAD ABOUT THAT SH YOU FEEL ME? I’D FEEL BAD ABOUT THAT SH LIKE, I’M GOING TO LIKE, LIKE, WHY ARE WE PLANNING TO CHEAT? 

AT THE END OF THE DAY, I WAS LOOKING AT IT LIKE, ACCOUNTING FOR UH, THE PROBABLE OR THE POSSIBLE. WHAT’S LIKE PROBABLE, TO HAPPEN. YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? JUST ACCOUNTING FOR THAR AND PLANNING FOR THAT AND WHATEVER YOU KNOW? WHOSE GOING TO UH -- IS THAT NICK? OH SH, HOLD ON YA’LL GOT DAM, HOLD ON, I WAS RECORDING I WASN’T EVEN TALKING. 

MISTERMEN THE PREQUEL

TRANSCRIBED FROM SUNDAY AUGUST 25TH, 2019-

MISTER MEN

MONDAY FEBRUARY 11TH, 2019

STOSH’S 29TH BIRTHDAY 

DEAR MISTER MAN:CHAPTER ONE: THE INTRODUCTION

    WE’RE GOING TO GO WITH DEAR MISTER MAN, RIGHT? SO THIS IS FOR THE MISTER MEN YOU KNOW, ALL THE MISTER MEN OUT THERE, WHAT’S UP MISTER MEN? YEA, IT’S YOUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD NERD (LH) WHOSE YOUR FAVORITE NERD NIGGA? I SAID, WHOSE YOUR FAVORITE NERD? WHOSE YOUR FAVORITE DORK?WHOSE THE SQUAREST NIGGA YOU KNOW? NIGGA? SO UH, THIS IS FOR, THE D BOYS, OK I SAID IT ONCE. MISTER MEN, RIGHT? MISTER MEN, HOW’S IT’S GOING? UM, I’M GOING TO GET YOU OUT OF THE GAME MISTER MEN AND I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING. 

    FIRST OFF, FUCK THAT! YOU’RE LIKE FUCK YOU NIGGA! FUCK YOU CHAD. THAT’ S WHAT, THAT’S THE FIRST THING I NEED YOU TO DO. I SAID MISTER MAN, WE’RE GOING TO GET YOU OUT OF THE GAME. YOUR’RE LIKE FUCK THAT AND FUCK YOU CHAD. RIGHT? NOW UM, (INHALES) THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT THE WHITE MAN SAYS AND UM, I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW, YOU REFUSE TO WORK FOR THE WHITE MAN. AS YOU SHOULD. I-I-I-I-I-II-I-I-I-I-I (LH). OK, I GET IT, I GET IT, YOU DON’T WANT TO WORK FOR THE WHITE MAN AND I DON’T WANNA WORK FOR THE WHITE MAN EITHER BUT I DO WORK FOR THE WHITE MAN BECAUSE WORKING FOR THE WHITE MAN IS NOT SAFE, AT ALL, BUT IT’S SAFER THAN, YOU KNOW,, BEING A MISTER MAN. 

AS FRIEND TO THE MISTER MAN I WANT TO SAY, WE CAN ALL GET OUT OF THE  GAME, AND UM, I’M WORKING ON THAT, SO, UNTIL THEN, I NEED YOU TO DO ME A FAVOR AND UH, IT’S FAVOR NUMBER TWO AFTER READING THIS. YEA, IT’S A FAVOR, SO, SO ,IT’S A FAVOR, WHILE I CONCOCT THE PLAN OR WHAT NOT, AND CAN DESCRIBE IT BETTER, I NEED YOU TO UH, USE YOUR BLOOD MONEY AND GIVE BACK TO THE ORPHANS AND THE YOUTH. AND THE COMMUNITIES AROUND YOURS. OK?

SO,  WHAT IS THAT GOING TO DO? I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING, WHAT’S THAT GOING TO DO? IF YOU, DONATE A HUNDRED DOLLARS, ON A REGULAR BASIS, TO THE YOUTH, SOMEHOW, LIKE REALLY DO SOMETHING, LEND THE HELPING HAND, RIGHT? LEND A HELPING HAND.. IT’S A TINY RIPPLE OF HOPE AND IT WILL KEEP YOU OUT OF JAIL, PRISON AND ALL OF THAT GOOD STUFF BECAUSE THE WHITE MAN WON’T BE ABLE TO GET YOU FOREVER. GOD’S GOING TO SEE WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND IT’S LIKE OK, HE’S USING HIS BLOOD MONEY FOR THE GREATER GOOD. THE ONLY THING IT SHOULD BE USED FOR.

 LIKE, WARS ARE HAPPENING ANYWAY, IT’S  A HISTORICAL FEATURE OF MAN KIND’S TIME ON EARTH. SO, THE WAR MOVIE HAS NEVER STOPPED. SHE HAS GOTTEN MORE INTERESTINGLY DISGUSTING. WE’RE DISGUSTED WITH HER. LET’S THINK IN TERMS OF ENERGY HERE PEOPLE. TAKE THE BLOOD MONEY AND SPRAY IT IN THE UNIVERSE BECAUSE IT’S ALREADY IN CIRCULATION. SO YOU GRABBED IT OUT OF CIRCULATION AND THEN YOU SPRAY IT IN THE DIRECTION OF THE YOUTH. YOU KNOW WHY?

YOU CAN’T LAUNDER THAT MONEY ALRIGHT. IF YOU TAKE YOUR BLOOD MONEY, AND TRY TO TURN IT LEGAL THEN THAT’S CALLED MONEY LAUNDERING. SO, YOU MUST BE AND I KNOW WE ARE. SO, WITH THAT SAID, AIN’T NOBODY TRADING STOCKS WITH THAT SHIT NIGGA. SO, I CAN'T BUY CRYPTO WITH THAT MR. AML BITCOIN. PATRIOT ACT, WHAT? SO, TAKE THE BLOOD MONEY, A PORTION OF IT, A SMALL PORTION, CAUSE IT’S A LOT CAUSE YOU’RE DOING YOUR THING !!AYE!!

GIVE BACK, AND WE’LL GO FURTHER, LATER. INTO EVERYTHING, JUST RIGHT NOW, EVERYTHING ELSE, THERE’S MORE, THERE’S ALWAYS MORE, THINKING MORE, WITH A HUNDRED PROJECTS, WHATEVER, I MADE A LOT OF SHIT, IN MANY YEARS, IN ALL OF MY TWENTIES ACTUALLY AND IN ALL MY TWENTIES, HUNDREDS OF HOURS OF THIS, JUST HOURS AND HOURS AND HOURS AND HOURS OF THIS IN GENERAL,  AND UM, IT’S LIKE THE FIRST THING LIKE THIS, IN PARTICULAR, I GET THE SHIVERS. 

THE HEEBIE JEEBIES, THE BUTTERFLIES, THE BUTTERFLY EFFECTS, ALL THAT STUFF. THE BUTTERFLIES AFFECT ME MAN. (L) AND UM, YOU KNOW? 8MINUTES AND 20 SECONDS IN YOU KNOW, WE, I NEED YOU TO JUST GIVE BACK TO THE YOUTH. JUST,  REALLY, LIKE REALLY, YOUTH, YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW. JUST, MAKE SURE YOU GIVE BACK, LOOK OUT FOR THE YOUTH. JUST, ALL DAY, JUST LOOK OUT. JUST LOOK OUT FOR THE YOUTH. THAT’S IT. 

THAT’S IT, THAT’S IT, JUST THE YOUTH, THE YOUTH, THE YOUTH, THE YOUTH. SO, THAT’S THE FIRST FAVOR. I JUST CALL THEM FAVORS BUT UM THAT’S THE FIRST ONE. LOOK OUT FOR THE YOUTH. YOU’RE NOT GOING TO STOP SO. FIRST OFF, LOOK OUT FOR THE YOUTH. UH, AND, GOD UH, YOU KNOW? SO, LIKE JUST LOOK AT IT LIKE THAT’S THE BEST THING YOU COULD EVER DO. DO NOTHING ELSE. WEAR NO FLASHY CLOTHES. DRIVE NOTHING FLASHY. JUST NOTHING, YOU KNOW? 

BUY NEW SHIRTS AND THEN SPRAY MUSTARD ON THEM. THE BEST THING YOU COULD OD. (LH). I REALLY, IT’S, I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO LAUGH AT MY JOKES. LIKE I'M SUPPOSED TO SAY THEM SERIOUSLY. IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE DEADPAN (L). HOW CAN I DO DEADPAN? (L) AW-SH, MAN SO LOOK OUT FOR THE MOTHERFUCKING YOUTH ALRIGHT? ALRIGHT?JUST LOOK OUT FOR THE  YOUTH.

JUST REALLY, LOOK OUT FOR THEM BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, AND UM, WE’RE GOING TO GET YOU OUT OF THE GAME MISTER MAN. ALRIGHT? JUST LOOK OUT FOR THE YOUTH ORPHANS, JUST LIKE DRASTICALLY IN NEED YOUTH. YOUTH, THE MOST DRASTIC, WHATEVER. 

THE  BUYING POWER: CHAPTER TWO:MISTER MEN

9:11PM EASTERN TIME ON STOSH’S BIRTHDAY. IT’S 6:11PM OVER WHERE STOSH LIVES, ON THE WEST COAST BABY BABY! I HAD ALREADY THOUGHT ABOUT, SO UM, I STARTED OFF WITH , THIS IS DEAR MISTERMEN. DEAR MISTERMAN, ORMISTERMEN, COLLECTIVELY, TO ALL OF YOU ALL OUT THEIR. THE BUYING POWER OF, THE CONSUMER BUYER POWER OF US ARE ONE POINT TWO TRILLION SO, WE JUST HAVE TO DIVIDE THAT BYOR DO WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO DO TO GET THE PERCENTAGE. MULTIPLY IT, WHATEVER , GET THE PERCENTAGE OF THE MISTER MEN IN THAT EQUATION ALRIGHT? AND THEN BOOM, THAT’S LIKE, WELL, YEA, YOU GET A LOT, AND THAT’S A LOT SO YEA, COOL, NOW,  SORRY.

THAT’S A LOT OF BUYING POWER. SO ALL OF THE MISTER MEN OUT THERE, MUST NOW COME TOGETHER AND UM, INDIVIDUALLY,  COME TOGETHER OR BY INDIVIDUALLY DOING THE SAME THING BECAUSE YOU DON’T HAVE TO MESS WITH EACH OTHER. YOU GET THE SH? YOU WITH THE SH? YEA, SO, YA-YA-YA, SO, 

YOU USE THAT BUYING POWER. YOU COLLECTIVELY, BY INDIVIDUALLY  DOING THE SAME THING YOU'RE GIVING BACK TO THE YOUTH. LIKE LITERALLY, CHANGING THE LIVES OF THE YOUTH AND UM, IT’S GOING TO KEEP YOU UNDER CONTRACT WITH GOD. GOTTA DO IT BECAUSE  HE ALWAYS SEES THAT. THAT MAKES SENSE. THAT’S THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES SENSE. I TELL YOU, STOP BEING MISTER MEN YOU’RE GOING TO BE LIKE YOU STOP BEING YOU NIGGA. AND I’M LIKE NO NIGGA, AND THEN ALRIGHT IT’S LIKE THEN GO NIGGA. SO, (HMP) ALRIGHT, I NEED YOU TO GIVE BACK THAT BUYING POWER. 

THAT’S EVERYTHING. ANYONE WHO LIKE WANTS TO BE SOMETHING WILL GIVE BACK WHEN ARE THEY YOU KNOW? THAT’S YOU KNOW  JUST HOW IT GOES. YOU KNOW? SO, USE YOUR BUYING POWER AND DO THAT. THEN IT’S ON TO CHICAGO AND LET’S WIN THERE.

I KNOW I DO A LOT OF LAUGHING AND JOKING AND FORGETTING WHAT I HAD TO SAY AND THINGS LIKE THAT BUT, ON THE CONTRARY, IN THE YEAR OF 2028, IF I’M ALIVE, AND THE ECONOMIC STANCES ARE CIRCUMSTANTIAL, THEN YOU KNOW, IT’S  ON TO CHICAGO AND LET’S WIN THERE. THAT’S REGARDLESS OF WHERE THE DEMOCRTIC OR REPUBICAN CONVENTIONS. YOU KNOW UH, WE’RE GOING TO HAVE FUN AT THE PRIMARIES. THE PRIMARIES ARE GOING TO BE FUN. THAT’S BASICALLY WHAT I’M TRYING TO SAY. SO WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY CHAD? WE’RE GOING TO HAVE FUN AT THE PRIMARIES. 

IN THE YEAR 2028 TO 2032, WE’RE GOING TO HAVE FUN AT THE PRIMARIES. THE YEAR 2028 WILL BE THE FIRST YEAR I’M ACTUALLY ABLE TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT. IT’S GOING TO BE THREE YEARS AFTER I AM LEGALLY ABLE TO RUN FOR THE PRESIDENCY. IT’S IN THE SMACK DAB MIDDLE OF ELECTION SEASON. ELECTION DAY IS GOING TO BE THE FIRST OR SECOND WEEK OF NOVEMBER RIGHT? WHEN MY BIRTHDAY IS NEW YEARS WEEKEND, BORN ON THE FRIDAY, RIGHT INBETWEEN INAUGURATION DAY. IT’S GOING TO BE THE FUNNIEST THING EVER.

HOW OLD ARE YOU? (L) IT’S  LIKE I HAD AGED THREE YEARS BEFORE YOUR EYES. IT’S LIKE, I’M THIS AGE, THEN I’M CAMPAIGNING, I’M THIS AGE, THEN WHEN I WIN, I’M THAT AGE, THEN WHEN I’M SWORN IN, THEN I’M LIKE THE NEXT AGE. AND THAT’S A YEAR AWAY FROM FORTY. IT’S JUST LIKE FUCK ALL YOUR BULLSHIT. (L) I’M FORTY NOW AND YOU’RE STILL TRIPPING, SO, THAT’S WHAT I’M SAYING AND A LIFESTYLE LIKE THAT IS AS DANGEROUS AS YOURS. AND YOU KNOW IT

I JUST SAID, IT’S DANGEROUS. IT’S DANGEROUS, IF YOU TAKE ME SERIOUS. IF YOU DON’T TAKE ME SERIOUS, IT’S REALLY GOOD FOR ME. BESIDES THIS FACT THOUGH, YOU KNOW, GIVE BACK TO THE YOUTH, USE YOUR BUYING POWER, HELP THE YOUTH, IT’S BLOOD MONEY ALRIGHT. USE YOUR FUCKING BLOOD MONEY AND FUCKING FUCKING HELP THE YOUTH YOU FUCKING BLOOD MONEY GETTING MOTHERFUCKER MAN. 

SO, YOU GET IT? YOU GETIT, CAUSE YOU GET IT. RIGHT? SO GIVE IT BACK, CAUSE IT’S BLOOD MONEY LIKE WHO WANTS TO HOLD ON TO THAT? LIKE, WHOA THERE, YOU THERE  TRANSMUTE THAT ENERGY IN HERE AS FAST AS YOU CAN MY FRIEND. THAT’S A LOT OF ENERGY IN YOUR HANDS MAN. THAT’S A WHOLE LOT OF ENERGY. DOES NOT COMPUTE. ERROR. ERROR. AUTOMATIC SHUTDOWN. 

SO IT’S TIME FOR TOUCHDOWNS AND THREE FORTY TWO BLUES AND ALL OF THAT, AND BLITZES AND NO INTERFERENCES, INTERCEPTIONS, NOTHING. NO SACKING, UNLESS WE ARE SITTING DOWN ON THE BENCH RACK. SO, GET IT? WHO IS DAFT PICK #199. TELL ME! WHO WAS DRAFT PICK/ (L). WHO WAS NUMBER 13? SO, GIVE BACK TO THE YOUTH, THAT’S ALL WE HAVE TO DO.

IT’S THE HELPING HAND CHALLENGE PEOPLE SMACK YOURSELVES. WE’RE GETTING DOWN, LET’S GET IT, IT’S BEEN GOTTEN. WE’RE ALL GONNA GET IT. IM HELPING EVERYBODY. EVERYBODY, THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT. THAT’S THE WHOLE PLAN. IF YOU HURT A LOT OF PEOPLE, YOU COULD DIES. IF YOU HELP A LOT OF PEOPLE, YOU COULD STILL DIE. YOU KNOW WHAT’S FUNNY ABOUT THAT WHOLE EQUATION? (FIVE SECOND PAUSE)  I WAS TRYING REALLY HARD NOT TO LAUGH FOR TEN SECONDS. IT WAS GETTING REALLY UNBEARABLE (L). IT WAS LIKE ROGER RABBIT, IT WAS CRAZY. 

THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF THE ATTACK, SO THIS IS HOW IT GOES. THIS IS THE ATTACK, IT IS THE STRATEGIC ATTACK AGAINST, THE AGAINST (L). DEAR THE MISTER MEN, WE’RE GOING AGAINST THE AGAINST, HMPH. (L) I WANT TO SAY IT, SO I CALL YOU MISTER MEN, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE YOU’RE A BLOOD MONEY GRBBING ASS NIGGA. I GET IT, I GET IT. SO, NOW, GIVE SOME BACK, GIVE SOME BACK, YOU GET SO MUCH, GIVE SOME BACK. 

WEAR SOME DIRTY CLOTHES FOR ONCE MAN. SMARTEN UP, THEY DON’T ALL WANNA LOCK YOU UP,  JUST STOP LOOKING OBVIOUS. ALRIGHT? I’M OUT HERE OBVIOUS FOR YOU RIGHT NOW. MAN I’M WRITING BOOKS AND  I’M WRITING BOOKS ABOUT THIS SHIT. I’M NOT EVEN WRITING, I’M JUST TALKING SO WHATEVER COMES TO MIND, I’M JUST SAYING IT AND WHILE KEEPING IT ALL IN LINE. SO, YOU GET IT? LIKE, I’M ON THE LINE RIGHT NOW.

MY MONEY’S ON THE LINE TOO. I TRADE FOREX AND ALL TYPES OF STUFF AND I CAN’T LAUNDER YOUR MONEY AND YOU CAN’T LAUNDER YOUR MONEY ANYWAY EITHER SO IT’S LIKE, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? WHAT AM I GONNA DO? SO WE’RE GONNA FIGURE THAT OUT AND SOME OF IT’S ALREADY BEEN FIGURED OUT SO WE’RE GOING TO EXPLAIN SOME OF IT BUT BEFORE WE EXPLAIN SOME OF IT WE’RE GONNA SAY THIS. THIS IS THE MISTER MEN COLLECTION RIGHT HERE START OFF CHAPTER TWO WHAT NOT,  HAVE YOU THERE FORE MY FRIEND ? (L) YOU KNOW UM, LIKE, GIVE BACK TO THE YOUTH. TEN MINUTES. UM, YOU KNOW? GOD’S ALREADY LOOKING OUT FOR YOU. SO, DO MORE. DON’T BE FLASHY WITH ANYTHING. GIVE THE FLASHY MONEY AWAY. 

KETCHUP OR MUSTARD:CHAPTER 3:MISTER MEN

7:30PM EASTERN TIME  SUNDAY AUGUST 25TH, 2019 (TRANSCRIPTION)

    SO, BLOOD MONEY, YOU HAVE TO HELP OUT, WE ALL WE CAN CALL MAKE A BIG DIFFERENCE DOING THAT, YOU KNOW? LIKE YOU CAN YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW REALLY DO THAT YOURSELF YOU KNOW? IT’S  JUST REALLY ITS’ JUST REALLY LIKE YOU KNOW, JUST DROPPING THE MONEY OFF, AND THAT’S IT. JUST DOING IT, JUST CONTINUE DOING IT, YOU KNOW? 

JUST PRIVATELY YOU KNOW, THAT’S GOING TO DRASTICALLY SHIFT ENERGY,  IN YOUR FAVOR. SO, I FORGOT WHERE I WAS GOING TO, BUT I GUESS I’LL DO IT LATER, WHEN IT COMES BACK TO ME. SO, YOU KNOW, MY DAD, (L), OK, STOCKS RIGHT? AW, YOU KNOW, MY DAD COULD’VE BOUGHT SHARES OF APPLE, GOOGLE, MICROSOFT, YOUTUBE, WHICH WAS EATEN BY GOOGLE. GOOGLE ATE YOUTUBE, ‘LONG TIME AGO.

 I LOST YOUTUBE CHANNELS TO THE PRE 2011 GOOGLE ACQUISITION AUTOMATICALLY, THEY WERE GONE. THEY DIDN’T CONVERT THEM AT LEAST. UM,  DAD DIDN'T; AND I DEMAND YOU ALL OF THAT ERA YOU KNOW SO, IT COULD HAVE BEEN REAL EASY FOR YOU ALL. HAD YOU HAD SOME NERDS ON Y'ALL SIDE, BUT, Y'ALL YOU KNOW, DIDN’T GET TO KNOW ANY NERDS OR ANYTHING, SO. IT IS WHAT IT IS BUT UH, THE NERDS OF THE WORLD ARE NOT CONFINED TO THE BOUNDS OF PHYSICAL LIMITATION, OR TRANSMUTATION. 

SO, WITH SUCH SAID, I CAN TALK, JUST LIKE, YOU KNOW, ANY OF THEM, YOU KNOW? THE PRESIDENTS, IF I, RIGHT NOW, HAD WIFI, WELL, I CAN LOOK IT UP, ON MY PHONE. SO, I CAN ACTUALLY LOOK IT UP SO, HOLD ON. (30SECOND PAUSE) IT’S NOT RESPONDING. 

I STARTED READING THE CHALLENGER SHUTTLE SPEECH FOR THE FIRST LINE. WHO IS HARDER TO READ? SHAKESPEARE, OR JEFFERSON? THOMAS, JEFFERSON. ALRIGHT, YEA, HIS WRITING, IS CRAZY. IT’S LIKE, (L), I THINK SHAKESPEARE IS NOTHING NOW, IT’S LIKE YOU KNOW, I LOVE SHAKESPEARE, BUT UH, I LOVE SHAKESPEARE BECAUSE, WHEN YOU’RE ANGRY, THAT’S WHEN YOU READ SHAKESPEARE MAN. THAT’S WHEN YOU SAY SOME SHAKESPEARE. 

YOU KNOW WHAT? I STARTED READING SHAKESPEARE AND SPEAK WHAT TRADE IS THOU. I AM BUT AS YOU WOULD SAY ANSWER ME DIRECTLY. BE OUT WITH IT I BESEECH YOU WHAT MEANEST THOU BY ART THAT SAUCY FELLOW ALL THAT I LIVE BY BUT WITH ALL.  AMONG THE STREETS (L)

WHOA, YOU GET THE POINT RIGHT? I’M THE MAN BUT YOU’RE THE MF MAN BECAUSE YOU HAVE BLOOD MONEY IN YOUR MOTHER FUCKING HAND NIGGA, SO, SPREAD IT IN THE AIR A LITTLE BIT AND UM, HELP THE YOUTH, THE YOUTH, THE YOUTH.  DON’T HELP THE STRIPPERS, THE STRIPPERS DON’T NEED HELP FROM YOU ANYMORE. (L) THEY CAN GET ANYTHING. 

SO, YEA, SPRAY SOME MUSTARD  ON A BRAND NEW, WHITE SHIRT. BUY SOME MORE WHITE SHIRTS, BUY SOME KETCHUP, AND JUST TRY IT. SPRAY A LITTLE BIT ON THERE (L) YOU KNOW AND THEN, (L) PUT IT ON THE HANGER (L) LET IT DRY (HL) EVERYDAY YOU WEAR A BRAND NEW (HL) (HL) YO, YOU DON’T GET IT. YOU’RE GONNA BE LIKE, “WHY WOULD I DO THAT? THEY’RE GONNA LOOK AT ME SUCH WAY.” (HL) THAT'S WHAT YOU’RE GONNA THINK I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING. 

WE COVERED THAT ALREADY:CHAPTER FOUR:STRAWBERRY KIWI SHORTCAKE THE PREQUEL INTRODUCTORY SESSION CONCLUSION

10:24PM EST TIME ON STOSH’S  29TH BIRTHDAY 

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 11TH, 2019

HE LIVES IN THE PAST. SO, AT THIS POINT I’VE REALIZED, THAT THIS PARTICULAR PROJECT, SERIES AND GENRE AND LIKE, YOU KNOW, FILE CABINET YOU KNOW UM IT’S REALLY JUST LIKE PERSONAL LETTERS YOU KNOW TO THE MISTER MEN OF AMERICA YOU KNOW AND ALL OF THAT STUFF. ALL OF THE MISTER MEN OUT THERE, OF AMERICA, AND ALL OF THE MISTER MEN OF OTHER COUNTRIES, NEED TO STOP THAT SHIT AND UH YOU KNOW. IF THAT MADE YOU LAUGH THEN THAT’S FUNNY BECAUSE THE MISTER MEN OF AMERICA NEED TO STOP THAT SHIT AS WELL. BUT I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING. “FUCK YOU RIGHT?” SO, WE COVERED THAT ALREADY SO, WE GIVE BACK TO THE YOUTH, WHILE WE WORK ON EVERYTHING RIGHT?

    EVENTUALLY, WE’RE GOING TO GET YOU TO BUY YOUR ASS OUT. THERE’S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BUYING YOUR ASS OUT, AND BAILING, YOURSELF OUT. THERE’S A HUGE DIFFERENCE. WE ARE GOING TO BUY YOUR ECONOMIC FREEDOM. WE ARE GOING TO BUY IT FOR YOU. US AND YOU, THAT’S AMERICA AND YES, Y'ALL IT’S TIME FOR THOMAS JEFFERSON. I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING.

    I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING. I DON’T KNOW, WHAT YOU’RE THINKING. YOU’RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. ‘CAUSE I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING, BUT, I’M GOING TO GIVE IT A SHOT, ANYWAY. THOMAS JEFFERSON SPEECH ON IMMIGRATION. WOW I’VE NEVER READ IT BEFORE, ONLY BECAUSE, I’VE NEVER READ IT BEFORE UM. WHERE IS IT AT? FK THAT. THEY TRIED TO TRICK ME. HPMH, UH, ALRIGHT, SORRY ABOUT THAT, TOOK A LONG ASS TIME. 

    I AVAIL MYSELF, WHICH IS HERE, FOR THE FAVOR, TO DECLARE, SINCERE CONSCIOUSNESS, THE TASK IS ABOVE MY TALENTS, SO JUSTLY INSPIRED, A RISING NATION, TRAVERSING ALL THE SEAS ENGAGED IN COMMERCE WITH NATIONS ADVANCING RAPIDLY WHEN I CONTEMPLATE THESE TRANSCENDENT OBJECTS COMMITTED TO THE AUSPICIOUSNESS OF THIS DAY UTTERLY INDEED SHOULD I DESPAIR REMIND ME IN OTHER HIGH AUTHORITIES TO YOU GENTLEMEN, MISTER MEN

    BLAH BLEH BLOO, THAT’S WHY I DON’T GET BEACHES RIGHT?  I GET IT, I GET IT. SO, PUT SOME MUSTARD ON YOUR SHIRT NIGGA, WEAR IT, YOU KNOW, IT’LL BE YOU KNOW, DINGY YOU KNOW OR, BUY A NEW SHIRT AND THEN PUT MUSTARD ON IT BRO. YES, THAT’S EXACTLY HOW, YOU WANT TO LOOK BRA. FOH...YOU KNOW? SO, SO, ONCE AGAIN, PLEASE BEGIN TO, LOOK OUT FOR THE YOUTH. IN HONOR OF THE MARTYRS, YOU KNOW BECAUSE, I’M GOING TO DO MY BEST TO, LAY OUT THE PLANS FOR YOU TO GET OUT AND THAT MIGHT PUT ME IN DANGER. THE SADDEST THING ABOUT THAT, 

    I WAS BORN TO BE, I HAVE MANY GIFTS, TIME MAY NOT BE ONE OF THEM. IT WOULDN’T BE FAIR, I WOULD FEEL IT WOULDN’T BE FAIR TO ME, JUST BASED ON HOW, IT JUST WOULDN’T BE FAIR. CHAD YOU KNOW, I’VE BEEN TOLD I WAS YOU KNOW, A THREAT, FROM THE VERY BEGINNING, SO, YOU KNOW LIKE, THERE'S SO MUCH MORE TO SAY, DON’T EVER THINK THAT BUT, JUST FOR NOW, FOR NOW.

JUST LOOK OUT FOR THE YOUTH, PLEASE, DO THAT AND THE MORE MISTER MEN THAT UNDERTAKE SUCH A CHALLENGE, THEN,  THEN THINGS WILL SHIFT YOU KNOW? OK, YOU KNOW, GOD WILLING, I’M STILL ALIVE IN 2028, AND ALL OF THE BUSINESS VENTURES I’M WORKING ON RIGHT NOW, TEN YEARS BEFORE, YOU KNOW, (PAUSE) YOU KNOW, I’M GOING TO SPEND A “BIILLI” ON CHICAGO. TAKE THIS BRAIN AND USE IT FOR YOU KNOW, THE YOUTH OF CHICAGO. JUST GO THERE, WITH A BILLION DOLLARS. JUST GO THERE, GO THERE, AS A BILLION DOLLARS. JUST DO, WHAT’S YEA YOU KNOW? SPREAD THAT BILLION, IN A CONCENTRATED EFFORT IN CONCENTRATED EFFORTS, SPREAD THAT BILLION DOLLARS. 

SO WHEN I ASK YOU TO DO THIS FAVOR, I REALLY NEED YOU TO DO THIS FAVOR FOR ME IN THE MEANTIME. YOU’RE GOING TO DO IT FOR, IT’S NOT EVEN FOR ME, JUST BECAUSE I’M THE ONE ASKING OF YOU IT NOW SO PLEASE, PRETTY PLEASE, HELP THE ORPHANS, PLEASE, HELP THE ORPHANS ALRIGHT? THE HATE YOU GIVE LITTLE INFANTS? TUPAC SO, FILM LIFE SO, SO, UM, MY SHOULDERS ARE SORE. THERE WERE FIVE HUNDRED CARPETS ON THE SHOULDER AT WORK. REAL SORE, KNEES SORE,EVERYTHING’S SORE, JUST SORE ASF. SORRY, UGH, WAIT, HOLD ON, AW SH, ALRIGHT SORRY. SO, ABOUT TO GO, SO YEA WE ARE GOING TO CONTINUE THESE BUT I JUST WANTED TO REITERATE THE FIRST FAVOR PLEASE, GIVE ME TIME TO WORK THAT OH SO, UM. 

FUN, FUN, FUN, FUN, FUN, NIGGA, HAVE SOME FUN NIGGA. AND WE’RE ALL GONNA HAVE SOME FUN. I HAVE FUN THINKING ABOUT STUFF LIKE THIS BECAUSE I KNOW WHERE IT IS GOING TO LEAD ME BUT I KNOW WHERE I WANT TO TAKE IT AND WHERE IT CAN GO AND THEN NOT ONLY IT’S GOING TO LEAD ME, STRAIGHT TO THE GRAVE WHERE I WAS GOING ANYWAY  I HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO, I COULDN’T BEHAVE...SO? 

   

MISTERMEN

TRANSCRIBED FROM SUNDAY AUGUST 25TH, 2019-

MISTER MEN

MONDAY FEBRUARY 11TH, 2019

STOSH’S 29TH BIRTHDAY 

DEAR MISTER MAN: CHAPTER ONE: THE INTRODUCTION

    WE’RE GOING TO GO WITH DEAR MISTER MAN, RIGHT? SO THIS IS FOR THE MISTER MEN YOU KNOW, ALL THE MISTER MEN OUT THERE, WHAT’S UP MISTER MEN? YEA, IT’S YOUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD NERD (LH) WHOSE YOUR FAVORITE NERD NIGGA? I SAID, WHOSE YOUR FAVORITE NERD? WHOSE YOUR FAVORITE DORK? WHOSE THE SQUAREST NIGGA YOU KNOW? NIGGA? SO UH, THIS IS FOR, THE D BOYS, OK I SAID IT ONCE. MISTER MEN, RIGHT? MISTER MEN, HOW’S IT’S GOING? UM, I’M GOING TO GET YOU OUT OF THE GAME MISTER MEN AND I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING. 

    FIRST OFF, FUCK THAT! YOU’RE LIKE FUCK YOU NIGGA! FUCK YOU CHAD. THAT’ S WHAT, THAT’S THE FIRST THING I NEED YOU TO DO. I SAID MISTER MAN, WE’RE GOING TO GET YOU OUT OF THE GAME. YOUR’RE LIKE FUCK THAT AND FUCK YOU CHAD. RIGHT? NOW UM, (INHALES) THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT THE WHITE MAN SAYS AND UM, I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW, YOU REFUSE TO WORK FOR THE WHITE MAN. AS YOU SHOULD. I-I-I-I-I-II-I-I-I-I-I (LH). OK, I GET IT, I GET IT, YOU DON’T WANT TO WORK FOR THE WHITE MAN AND I DON’T WANNA WORK FOR THE WHITE MAN EITHER BUT I DO WORK FOR THE WHITE MAN BECAUSE WORKING FOR THE WHITE MAN IS NOT SAFE, AT ALL, BUT IT’S SAFER THAN, YOU KNOW,, BEING A MISTER MAN. 

AS FRIEND TO THE MISTER MAN I WANT TO SAY, WE CAN ALL GET OUT OF THE  GAME, AND UM, I’M WORKING ON THAT, SO, UNTIL THEN, I NEED YOU TO DO ME A FAVOR AND UH, IT’S FAVOR NUMBER TWO AFTER READING THIS. YEA, IT’S A FAVOR, SO, SO ,IT’S A FAVOR, WHILE I CONCOCT THE PLAN OR WHAT NOT, AND CAN DESCRIBE IT BETTER, I NEED YOU TO UH, USE YOUR BLOOD MONEY AND GIVE BACK TO THE ORPHANS AND THE YOUTH. AND THE COMMUNITIES AROUND YOURS. OK?

SO,  WHAT IS THAT GOING TO DO? I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING, WHAT’S THAT GOING TO DO? IF YOU, DONATE A HUNDRED DOLLARS, ON A REGULAR BASIS, TO THE YOUTH, SOMEHOW, LIKE REALLY DO SOMETHING, LEND THE HELPING HAND, RIGHT? LEND A HELPING HAND.. IT’S A TINY RIPPLE OF HOPE AND IT WILL KEEP YOU OUT OF JAIL, PRISON AND ALL OF THAT GOOD STUFF BECAUSE THE WHITE MAN WON’T BE ABLE TO GET YOU FOREVER. GOD’S GOING TO SEE WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND IT’S LIKE OK, HE’S USING HIS BLOOD MONEY FOR THE GREATER GOOD. THE ONLY THING IT SHOULD BE USED FOR.

 LIKE, WARS ARE HAPPENING ANYWAY, IT’S  A HISTORICAL FEATURE OF MAN KIND’S TIME ON EARTH. SO, THE WAR MOVIE HAS NEVER STOPPED. SHE HAS GOTTEN MORE INTERESTINGLY DISGUSTING. WE’RE DISGUSTED WITH HER. LET’S THINK IN TERMS OF ENERGY HERE PEOPLE. TAKE THE BLOOD MONEY AND SPRAY IT IN THE UNIVERSE BECAUSE IT’S ALREADY IN CIRCULATION. SO YOU GRABBED IT OUT OF CIRCULATION AND THEN YOU SPRAY IT IN THE DIRECTION OF THE YOUTH. YOU KNOW WHY?

YOU CAN’T LAUNDER THAT MONEY ALRIGHT. IF YOU TAKE YOUR BLOOD MONEY, AND TRY TO TURN IT LEGAL THEN THAT’S CALLED MONEY LAUNDERING. SO, YOU MUST BE AND I KNOW WE ARE. SO, WITH THAT SAID, AIN’T NOBODY TRADING STOCKS WITH THAT SHIT NIGGA. SO, I CAN'T BUY CRYPTO WITH THAT MR. AML BITCOIN. PATRIOT ACT, WHAT? SO, TAKE THE BLOOD MONEY, A PORTION OF IT, A SMALL PORTION, CAUSE IT’S A LOT CAUSE YOU’RE DOING YOUR THING !!AYE!!

GIVE BACK, AND WE’LL GO FURTHER, LATER. INTO EVERYTHING, JUST RIGHT NOW, EVERYTHING ELSE, THERE’S MORE, THERE’S ALWAYS MORE, THINKING MORE, WITH A HUNDRED PROJECTS, WHATEVER, I MADE A LOT OF SHIT, IN MANY YEARS, IN ALL OF MY TWENTIES ACTUALLY AND IN ALL MY TWENTIES, HUNDREDS OF HOURS OF THIS, JUST HOURS AND HOURS AND HOURS AND HOURS OF THIS IN GENERAL,  AND UM, IT’S LIKE THE FIRST THING LIKE THIS, IN PARTICULAR, I GET THE SHIVERS. 

THE HEEBIE JEEBIES, THE BUTTERFLIES, THE BUTTERFLY EFFECTS, ALL THAT STUFF. THE BUTTERFLIES AFFECT ME MAN. (L) AND UM, YOU KNOW? 8MINUTES AND 20 SECONDS IN YOU KNOW, WE, I NEED YOU TO JUST GIVE BACK TO THE YOUTH. JUST,  REALLY, LIKE REALLY, YOUTH, YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW. JUST, MAKE SURE YOU GIVE BACK, LOOK OUT FOR THE YOUTH. JUST, ALL DAY, JUST LOOK OUT. JUST LOOK OUT FOR THE YOUTH. THAT’S IT. 

THAT’S IT, THAT’S IT, JUST THE YOUTH, THE YOUTH, THE YOUTH, THE YOUTH. SO, THAT’S THE FIRST FAVOR. I JUST CALL THEM FAVORS BUT UM THAT’S THE FIRST ONE. LOOK OUT FOR THE YOUTH. YOU’RE NOT GOING TO STOP SO. FIRST OFF, LOOK OUT FOR THE YOUTH. UH, AND, GOD UH, YOU KNOW? SO, LIKE JUST LOOK AT IT LIKE THAT’S THE BEST THING YOU COULD EVER DO. DO NOTHING ELSE. WEAR NO FLASHY CLOTHES. DRIVE NOTHING FLASHY. JUST NOTHING, YOU KNOW? 

BUY NEW SHIRTS AND THEN SPRAY MUSTARD ON THEM. THE BEST THING YOU COULD OD. (LH). I REALLY, IT’S, I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO LAUGH AT MY JOKES. LIKE I'M SUPPOSED TO SAY THEM SERIOUSLY. IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE DEADPAN (L). HOW CAN I DO DEADPAN? (L) AW-SH, MAN SO LOOK OUT FOR THE MOTHERFUCKING YOUTH ALRIGHT? ALRIGHT?JUST LOOK OUT FOR THE  YOUTH.

JUST REALLY, LOOK OUT FOR THEM BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, AND UM, WE’RE GOING TO GET YOU OUT OF THE GAME MISTER MAN. ALRIGHT? JUST LOOK OUT FOR THE YOUTH ORPHANS, JUST LIKE DRASTICALLY IN NEED YOUTH. YOUTH, THE MOST DRASTIC, WHATEVER. 

STRAWBERRY KIWI THE PREQUEL

STRAWBERRY KIWI

10AM EASTERN TIME 

SUNDAY FEBRUARY 10TH, 2019

THE CREDIT LINE: CHAPTER ONE: STRAWBERRY KIWI

STRAWBERRY KIWI

    BASICALLY, SO,  THIS IS FOR EVERYBODY BUT I’M GOING TO, HMM, NO I’M GOING TO TALK TO EVERYBODY, BASICALLY IN THE EQUATION SO CHAPTER ONE, STRAWBERRY KIWI. I’LL JUST TALK FROM MY PERSPECTIVE. OK  FROM MY PERSPECTIVE, IT IS TIME FOR US TO STOP WORKING FOR THE WHITE MAN AND HERE IS WHY. 

    WHY NOT? SOME PEOPLE ASK WHY, OTHERS DREAM OF THINGS THAT NEVER WERE AND ASK WHY NOT. HISTORICALLY, IT IS NOT IN OUR BEST INTEREST TO CONTINUE WORKING FOR THE WHITE MAN.. IT’S JUST, IT’S JUST NOT IN OUR BEST INTEREST. UM, IT’S NOT GOOD FOR OUR CHILDREN, IT’S NOT GOOD TO UM, TO TEACH THEM THAT THAT’S OK. I BELIEVE IN ECONOMIC FREEDOM AND ECONOMIC GROWTH. I BELIEVE IN ECONOMIC PROSPERITY FOR ALL AND I BELIEVE ALL SHOULD HELP ALL SO I HELP ALL. 

    NOW, I BELIEVE IN AN AMERICA, WHERE WE WORK FOR OURSELVES. I BELIEVE IN AN AMERICA WHERE THE WHITE MAN WORKS FOR THE WHITE MAN. I BELIEVE IN SEGREGATION, ONLY WHEN IT COMES TO WORKING FOR THE WHITE MAN. I BELIEVE IN ECONOMIC SEGREGATION. I BELIEVE WE SHOULD RETIRE, AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. I BELIEVE IN AN AMERICA WHERE WE DO NOT WAIT FOR SIXTY YEARS OF HARD LABOR UNTIL WE RETIRE RATHER UNGRACIOUSLY. I BELIEVE IN AN AMERICA WHERE WE GO TO WORK WHEN WE FEEL LIKE IT. I BELIEVE IN AN AMERICA WHERE WE’RE NOT HANGING ON THE STRINGS OF OUR BONES (THE FLESH) BY OUR EMPLOYERS DUE TO THE NEED FOR US TO PAY OUR FEES AS TENANTS SOMEWHERE ALL OVER AMERICA. I BELIEVE IN AN AMERICA WHERE NIGGAS IN CHICAGO STOP TRIPPING. MESH.

    HOW DO YOU MAKE A SHOW IN CHICAGO ABOUT THAT BULLSHIT? YOU’RE ON THAT BULLSHIT, ALRIGHT? SO, B’FORE WE GO AROUND MAKING FILMS IN CHICAGO, WE NEED TO MAKE FILMS OF US, HELPING THE HANDS OF THE CHICAGO YOUTH BUT THAT’S NEITHER HERE NOR THERE, THAT’S IN CHAPTER THREE AND I HAVEN’T WRITTEN ANYTHING. RIGHT? SO, I BELIEVE IN AN AMERICA, WHERE WHITE PEOPLE WORK FOR WHITE PEOPLE ONLY.BECAUSE IT’LL BE FUNNY BECAUSE THEY USED TO LIKE TO SEND US TO THE BACK OF THE BUS; AND NOW WE CAN RIDE THE BACK OF THE BUS. RIGHT PAST THEIR ESTABLISHMENT WHERE THEY WORK FOR THEMSELVES. HERE’S THE POINT THEY MIGHT NOT HAVE SEEN AND THIS IS WHY.

    THEY DON’T WANT TO DO THE DIRTY WORK. THAT’S WHY WE ARE HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE. OH NO, NOW WHEN IT COMES TO SLAVERY, LET’S JUST SAY, LET’S JUST BE REAL ABOUT THIS FOR ONE SECOND. OK, WHEN IT COMES TO SLAVERY, LET’S JUST UH, SLAVERY IS WRONG. NOW, WHEN IT COMES TO UM, AMERICAN SLAVERY, IF YOU ARE AS I AM, A DESCENDANT OF A SLAVE, THEN WE WOULDN;T BE ALIVE WITHOUT IT. (TEN SECOND PAUSE.) THAT WAS TEN SECONDS FOR YOU TO LAUGH. SO UNTIL WE CAN LAUGH ABOUT THESE THINGS TOGETHER, WE WILL NEVER BE TOGETHER. SO, LET;S JUST ALL LAUGH BECAUSE IT’S A VERY SERIOUS TOPIC AND SO IT MUST BE MET WITH GLEE. FOR WE MUST SOLVE THESE ISSUES AND THUS, THE LINE IN THE SAND. SO, HERE’S THE LINE IN THE SAND. I KNOW A LOT OF YOUR TRICKS WHITE PEOPLE. AND I’M GOING TO EXPOSE THEM ALL RIGHT NOW. IN THE PRIVACY OF MY OWN HOME IN SYRACUSE, NEW YORK SO LET’S GET IT.

 RULE NUMBER ONE: WE’RE TALKING ECONOMICS HERE SO IT’S DEFINITELY FOR ANYBODY. IT’S FOR ANYBODY, IF YOU’RE A HIGH SCHOOLER, THIS IS DEFINITELY FOR YOU. IF YOU’RE A MIDDLE SCHOOLER, THEN THIS IS DEFINITELY FOR YOU. YOU’RE GOING TO BE IN HIGH SCHOOL 

SOON AND THEN BY THE TIME YOU ARE IN HIGH SCHOOL YOU’LL RULE THE WORLD. NOT REALLY BUT KEEP GOING AND ONE DAY, YOU WILL HA BUT IN A GOOD WAY!  YOU’LL RULE IT, YOU’LL RULE YOUR WORLD, YOU’LL RULE YOUR OWN WORLD. I’M GOING TO RULE MY OWN WORLD, LIKE THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN THINKING FOR THE LAST TEN YEARS. “WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE CHAD?” “I’M GOING TO RULE MY OWN WORLD.” THEY’RE ALL LIKE, “NO ONE RULES THEIR OWN WORLD.” 

    EVERYBODY WORKS FOR THE WHITE MAN, NOT EVERYBODY, BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE DO. IF YOU DON’T WORK FOR THE WHITE MAN, RAISE YOUR HAND. 

(5 SECONDS LATER) IS ANYONE ELSE IN THE ROOM WITH YOU LOOKING AT YOU LIKE WHY’D YOU RAISE YOUR HAND? SO, BUT HERE’S THE THING. YOU DON'T WANT TO WORK FOR THE WHITE MAN, YOU DON’T WANT TO WORK FOR THE BLACK MAN, YOU DON’T WANT TO WORK FOR THE CHINA MAN, YOU DON’T WANT TO WORK FOR THE ICE CREAM MAN.  (LAUGHS) HOLD UP, HOLD ON, (IN/EXHALING) I KNOW I SAY YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO LAUGH AT THIS BUT RULE NUMBER ONE: ECONOMICALLY SPEAKING, WHEN YOU TURN EIGHTEEN, YOU’RE GOING TO GET THE CREDIT CARD.

    I GOT TWO THEN, SO HERES WHAT YOU DO WITH THE CREDIT CARD. YOU GET A JOB AND WHATEVER THE BALANCE IS ON THE CREDIT CARD, WHATEVER THE MAX IS ON THE CREDIT CARD, YOU BUILD THAT UP FIRST IN CASH RESERVE. IF IT IS $1000 TOTAL BECAUSE YOU HAVE TWO AND THEY ARE EACH WITH $500 LIMITS, YOU RAISE UP $1000 FIRST AND PUT IT AWAY, YOU COULD EVEN PUT IT IN CRYPTO THEN YOU WOULD NEED ANOTHER CASH RESERVE, JUST TO BE SAFE. IT’S GOING TO SIT THERE BUT YOU GET THE CASH RESERVE THEN YOU SWIPE THAT CREDIT CARD FOR EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING? EVERYTHING! SWIPE THAT CREDIT CARD FOR EVERYTHING. NOW UH, FOR THE WHITE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO KNOW WHAT I;M ABOUT TO SAY, SOME OF THEM ARE SHIVERING RIGHT NOW. SOME OF THEM ARE HAPPY ASF, SOME OF THEM WANT TO CALL ME NAPPY ASF. I AM NAPPY ASF BECAUSE I’M TIRED AND I NEED A NAP, THEREFORE I’M NAPPY. BUT I’M ALSO HAPPY TO NOT BE NAPPING RIGHT NOW. I’VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS BOOK ALL NIGHT. YOU KNOW WHERE I’VE BEEN ALL NIGHT? WORKING FOR THE WHITE MAN. AND LET ME TELL YOU A LITTLE STORY ABOUT WORKING FOR THE WHITE MAN. CHAPTER TWO.

UNDERWATER CAGES: CHAPTER TWO: STRAWBERRY KIWI 

10:11AM EASTERN TIME FIBONACCI SEQUENCE

*A-LIST CRYING VOICE WHERE EVERY COMMA IS A SNIFFLE*

    NOW, WORKING FOR THE WHITE MAN, IS A TERRIBLE EXPERIENCE, IF YOU FIND YOURSELF, DOING THAT, FOR FIFTY YEARS, YOU’RE GONNA BE SO BITTER. SOME OF THEM WIL TREAT YOU REALLY WELL, BUT MOST OF THEM, THEIR EMPLOYEES ARE GOING TO WALK RIGHT BY YOU. THEY’LL NEVER SAY HI, THEY’LL MOVE OUT OF THE WAY AS YOU’RE WALKING BY THEM. THEY’LL STOP TALKING OR KEEP TALKING, WHILE YOU WORK AND THEY WATCH YOU. AND IF YOU STOP WORKING, THEY’RE GONNA WALK UP TO YOU, INSTANTLY, AND THREATEN YOUR JOB. YOU JUST DON’T SPEAK WHITE PEOPLE. BUT THEY’RE GONNA THREATEN YOUR JOB. “HEY, DO YOU NEED SOMETHING TO DO? YOU CAN, FINISH MOVING THIS CART YOU LEFT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HALLWAY”. 

THEY’RE ALWAYS GOING TO TELL YOU THE RULES AND THEY’RE NEVER GOING TO FOLLOW THEM BECAUSE THEY’RE PRIVILEGED, IN AMERICA, BECAUSE OF THE COLOR OF THEIR SKIN, OR LACK THEREOF. THEY DON’T HAVE ANY MELANIN IN THEM. THEY DON’T HAVE ANY. SO THEY PUT YOU IN THE SUN, BUT IT’S OKAY, YOU’LL JUST HAVE TO UNDERSTAND WHY. THEY NEVER DISCOVERED THEIR THIRD EYE. THEY CAN’T AFFORD SUNBURN. THEY DON’T HAVE ANY OTHER CHOICE. SOMEONE HAS TO DO IT. IT CAN’T BE THEM, THEY’LL FRY. SKIN CANCER’S NOT FUN, THY’LL DIE, NOBODY WANTS IT. 

THEY LOVE TO TELL YOU THE RULES. ALL THEY EVER DO IS TELL YOU THE RULES. THEY GO TO COLLEGE JUST TO SUPERVISE YOU. YOU DON;T WANT TO DO THAT TO YOURSELF. YOU DON’T WANT TO SUPERVISE YOUR OWN KIND. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? WHY ARE THERE AFRICAN AMERCIAN POLICE OFFICERS? YOU’RE JUST HELPING THEM INFILTRATE US MORE. WHY? COULD YOU SELL OUT ANYMORE? YOU’LL BE BETTER OFF GOING IN THEIR ARMY AND STAYING IN THERE FOREVER.

I DIDN’T SHED A TEAR, OK? WE’RE GOING TO TALK IN NUMBERS IN HISTORY AND PHILOSOPHY. IN THE 1940’S WORLD WAR II WAS GOING ON. WHAT EVENT ENDED WORLD WAR NUMBER TWO? U.S. PRESIDENT HARRY S. TRUMAN, PRESSED THE RED BUTTON. AIMED TOWARDS HIROSHIMA AND NAGASAKI. THAT’S A HISTORICAL FACT OK? WITHOUT EVEN GOING DOWN THAT LONG LIST, WE’RE JUST GOING TO SAY LONG A WHOLE BUNCH OF TIMES. YOU’RE LONG. YOU’RE LONG. YOU’RE LONG. IT’S A LONG LIST. IF I TOOK A WHOLE BUNCH OF ANY INTELLIGENT CREATURES AND UM, YOU KNOW, JUST THREW THEM ALL IN A CAGE TOGETHER, LOCKED THEM UP, STARVED THEM, ALL, BEAT THEM ALL, AND LOCKED THEM ALL UP TOGETHER, EVENTUALLY THEY ARE GOING TO TURN, UM, HOSTILE TOWARDS EACH OTHER.  

YOU KNOW BECAUSE IF YOU’RE IN CAPTIVITY AND THERE’S ONLY ONE STEAK IN CAPTIVITY AND THERE ARE TWO IN CAPTIVITY, UM, YOU KNOW, THERE’S A LOT AT STAKE. SO, UM, THAT’S CRAZY. NOW, THE BEST WAY TO, EXPLAIN THIS IN AN EXPOSITORY MANNER, UM, IF YOU HAVE NETFLIX, UM THEN I WANT YOU TO GO AND WATCH “BLACKFISH” BECAUSE I WAS INTRODUCED TO “BLACKFISH” BY A FELLOW DESCENDANT OF AMERICAN SLAVERY, SO AT A DIFFERENT TIME, I STARTED WATCHING IT WITH A DIFFERENT FELLOW DESCENDANT OF SLAVERY, WE CALL THEM A ‘D.O.S.” EXCUSE ME, UM, A DOS, WE JUST CALL THEM THE DOS FOR SHORT. 

THEY COULDN’T EVEN STOMACH IT FOR TOO LONG AND IT DIDN’T EVEN GET VERY INTERESTING YET BUT UM IT HAD JUST STARTED. WE WATCHED A FEW MINUTES OF THAT AND THAT IS IT RIGHT THERE. 

YOU KNOW, WHEN THEY PUT THE WHALES INSIDE OF THE AQUARIUMS, THEY STARTING BITING EACH OTHER, THEY STARTED FIGHTING EACH OTHER. UM, THEY CALLED IT “WHALE ON WHALE HOSTILITY” AND I WAS LIKE “AWWW, THAT SOUNDS SO FAMILIAR. YOU KNOW?” SO UM, I WAS LIKE OK, WHALE ON WHALE HOSTILITY, UM SO THEY UM, YOU KNOW THEY START OFF, VENTURING OFF ON EXPLORATION YOU KNOW UM AND THEY CONQUERED NATURE’S CREATURES FOR PROFIT. TOOK THE BABIES AWAY FROM THE ADULTS, THEY USED AIR PATROL; HELICOPTERS, AIRPLANES, USED AIR SUPPORT. THEY USED AIR SUPPORT ON WHALES. THE WHALES WOULD HAVE OUTSMARTED THEM WITHOUT AIR SUPPORT. 

THE BABIES, NOT ALL OF THEM SURVIVED. THEY THREW THE BABIES THAT DIDN’T SURVIVE, BACK INTO THE WATER, AFTER SINKING THEM. FILLED THEM, UP WITH ROCKS, TOTALLY GUTTED THEM OUT, AND FILLED THE STOMACHS WITH ROCKS. SUNK THEM. TAMPERING WITH EVIDENCE YOU KNOW UM, THEN THEY THROW THE REMAINING ONES YOU KNOW FROM DIFFERENT EXPLORATIONS AND THEY WILL GROUP THEM UP TOGETHER. FROM DIFFERENT CULTURES, ONE OF THE FIRST YOU KNOW CAPTIVE, YOU KNOW “MAN EATING” WHALES AND WHAT NOT THEY UH, THEY BOUGHT THEM CHEAP, YOU KNOW, SEAQUARIUM, THE ACTUAL TOP SEAQUARIUM BOUGHT THEM CHEAP AND UM USED THEM AS A BREEDER. UNTIL OR EVEN AFTER 50% OF THEIR POPULATION INSIDE OF THAT SEAQUARIUM IS ALL MAN EATER AND THEN YOU KNOW SO...THEN THEY CHARGE PEOPLE TO WATCH THEM.

THEY GET THEM TO DO THE TRICKS BY STARVING THEM, WHEN THEY DO THE TRICKS, ARE THE ONLY TIMES THEY EAT. BAFANGUL ME EH? SO IF THEY DON’T DO THE TRICKS, THEY THEN DON’T EAT, SO, MAYBE THAT’S WHY THEY’RE BITING EACH OTHER INSIDE OF THE CAGES ALL NIGHT. UNDERWATER CAGES. DON’T HAVE TO HAVE BARS, TO BE IN A CAGE. SO, THEY HIRE PEOPLE TO TRAIN THE WHALES AND THEN THEY GET IN THE WATER WITH THE WHALES AND EXPECT RESPECT. BAFANGUL INDEED. CHAPTER THREE.

HOLD UP 10:27AM EASTERN TIME

SUNDAY FEBRUARY 10TH, 2019

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KEVI, SO, WHAT AN 18TH BIRTHDAY PRESENT FOR YOU. HAHA-HAHA-HAHA SO, YEA, YA, YA, YA, CHAPTER THREE. WHAT DID I SAY CHAPTER THREE WAS GOING TO BE ABOUT?  I KNOW I SAID SOME SLICK SH LIKE AND IT’S NOT EVEN WRITTEN YET. NOW WHAT WAS IT? GIVE ME A SECOND. (30SECOND PAUSE) WHATEVER (MULTIPLIED 4TIMES). LAUGHS. WHATEVER I SAID CHAPTER THREE WAS GOING TO BE ABOUT IT’S PROBABLY NOT GOING TO BE ABOUT THAT BC I CAN’T REMEMBER WHAT I SAID. I ONLY REMEMBER I SAID SOME SLICK ** AND I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE BUT, SO WITH THAT DONE, THAT WAS DEEP, JUST TELLING THAT STORY. JUST UH, JUST UH JUST THREW ME IN A DITCH, IT WAS LIKE OH IT WAS JUST A DITCH FOR 15MINUTES MAN.

    I WAS LIKE DAM I WAS SITTING DOWN AND EVERYTHING, I HAD TO SIT DOWN, NOW I JUST NEED LIKE A DRINK JUST LIKE OH MAN YOU KNOW LIKE LOGICALLY, DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE? YOU KNOW LIKE, YOU’RE GOING TO HOP IN THE WATER WITH THEM NOW? OH, LIKE WOULD THE CEO HOP IN THE WATER WITH THEM? THAT’S THE QUESTION THE TRAINERS NEVER ASKED. YOU KNOW? ARE YOU GOING TO GET IN THERE WITH US? 

YOU KNOW? SO UM, YOU GET THAT CREDIT CARD, AND YOU SWIPE IT FOR EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING? EVERYTHING! I JUST HAD TO GO INTO A RABBIT HOLE REAL QUICK. I JUST HAD TO GO INTO TWO RABBIT HOLES BEFORE I FINISH THIS ONE UP. UM, EVERY CHAPTER WAS A RABBIT HOLE. YOU WANT TO TAKE THAT CREDIT CARD AND SWIPE IT FOR EVERYTHING. YOU’VE GOT YOUR CASH RESERVE, YOU’LL HAVE IT  IT’S THERE YOU’LL HAVE IT ON YOU SOMEWHERE.      

NOW YOUR CASH RESERVE FOR THAT SO BOOM. YOU UM, AFTER THAT YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO UH MAYBE UH, YOU’RE GONNA WANNA PAY THAT CREDIT CARD BILL OFF. YOU’RE GOING TO WANT TO PAY THE MINIMUM BALANCE BC THE UH MAIN THING ABOUT CREDIT, THEY WANT TO, THEY BEING THE COMPANIES ISSUING THE CREDIT LINE ITSELF, THE CREDIT LINE COMPANY, THEY WANT TO UM, KNOW THAT YOU CAN MAINTAIN THE MINIMUM BALANCE. RIGHT? THAT’S THE OBJECTIVE OK? CAN YOU MAINTAIN THE MINIMUM BALANCE RIGHT? NOW, THE ANSWER SHOULD BE YES, THREE TIMES AND HERE’S WHY. UM, I WAS ON A CONFERENCE CALL WITH UH ONE CREDIT COACH BACK WHEN I WAS 19 AND I WAS WORKING WITH THE CREDIT COACH I WAS LIKE ACTUALLY WORKING FOR HER. SHE WAS GIVING ME HER ASSIGNMENTS, IT WAS WEIRD, THAT WAS A LOT FOR LIKE A 19YR (MAY HAVE BEEN 18) OLD OMGOODNESS BUT WHEN I STOP AND THINK ABOUT IT LIKE DAM THAT WAS LIKE THE ENTRY WAY RIGHT THERE INTO LIKE THE PERFECT JOB. YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? LIKE DAM, SH, I DIDN’T FULLY KNOW WHAT I HAD RIGHT THERE OH, FK, FK, ANYWAY, UH. I WAS LIKE HER VIRTUAL ASSISTANT, WHAT? ANYWAY. MAKES ME SHIVER. UM, OK.

YOU PAY THE CREDIT CARD MINIMUM BALANCE, THREE TIMES, IN A MONTH. YOU PAY IT ONCE PER WEEK, FOR THREE WEEKS, OUT OF THE FOUR WEEKS, OF THE MONTH . AFTER THAT, IN THEORY, THEY, THEM BEING THE CREDIT CARD COMPANIES, ARE GOING TO HAVE TO, RAISE UP YOUR SCORE. SO, DO THAT FOR 365 DAYS, 12 MONTHS, 4 SEASONS, AND UM, SEE THE INCREASE IN IT AND THEN YOU;LL KNOW THE PERCENTAGE RATE IT INCREASES PER YEAR OF DOING THAT SO AND YOU CAN BREAK IT DOWN TO MONTHS OR SEASONS AND STUFF SO, UM BOOM. THAT’S NUMBER ONE, BC WHY? WHY? I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING. 

YOU’RE THINKING WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? CHAD? WHY CHAD? WHY? OH, THEY LOVE TO ASK ME THAT QUESTION. WHY CHAD? WHY? NOT BECAUSE THEY REALLY WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWER, THEY JUST WANT TO BATTLE. OH, YOU WANT TO BATTLE NX? NXZ LOVE TO TALK ABOUT MONEY TO ME. I SAID, NXZ LOVE TO TALK ABOUT MONEY TO ME. YET AND STILL, THESE NXZ OUT HERE THEY WERE NEVER TALKING TO ME ABOUT HOW MONEY WORKS. THEREFORE, THESE NXZ WERE NEVER TALKING TO ME ABOUT HOW TO GET MONEY. YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE TO HAVE MONEY TO KNOW HOW TO GET MONEY OR HOW MONEY WORKS. CONVERSELY, IF YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MONEY WORKS, THEN THERE ARE ONLY TWO WAYS YOU KNOW HOW TO GET MONEY.  

WHAT ARE THE TWO WAYS OF HOW TO GET MONEY CHAD? WHAT ARE THE TWO WAYS? SO, THE TWO WAYS ON HOW TO GET MONEY, IF YOU DON’T KNOW HOW MONEY WORKS THEN, HMM, MPH-MPH-MPH  UM MPH-MPH-MPH-MPH-MPH, UM, EITHER CRIME, OR WORKING FOR THE WHITE MAN. NOW, CRIME IS A GOOD UM SEGUE FOR THIS, CRIME, CRIME, CRIME. CRIME IS THE MIDDLE WORD OF THE EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATION. 

    DID YOU KNOW? HEY. HEY. HEY. HEY. HAYE.  DID YOU KNOW, DID YOU KNOW, THE EMANCIPATION, PROCLAMATION, HAS A MIDDLE NAME? BY A MIDDLE NAME I MEAN CLAUSE. THE MIDDLE NAME IS NOT “CLAUSE” THE MIDDLE NAME, IS THE “CLAUSE”. IT’S A WORD PROCLAMATION IMPLIES. OK, WE’RE GOING TO DO THIS WITH GOOGLE, ’CAUSE WHITE PEOPLE MADE GOOGLE. SO, (SNIFFLE) HMM, DEFINE EMANCIPATION.

    EMANCIPATION, IT’S A NOUN. SYNONYMS, FREEING, LIBERATION, LIBERATING, SETTING FREE, RELEASE, RELEASING, LETTING LOOSE, OR OUT, SETTING LOOSE OR FREE, DISCHARGE, UNCHAINING, UNFETTERING, UNYOKING, UNTYING, UNSHACKLING, UNCAGING, UNBRIDLING, FREEDOM, LIBERTY. RARE, DISENTHRALLMENT, THE EMANCIPATION OF THE SERFS. SURF YOUR ASS TO SOME FUCKING MORALS. THE FREEING OF SOMEONE FROM SLAVERY, 

    NOW THAT’S WHAT IT SAID THAT IS RIGHT? EMANCIPATED, THAT WAS A PRETTY HONEST TRANSLATION, THAT’S WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE RIGHT? SEEMS LIKE, NONE OF US OUT THERE, WOULD HAVE TOO MUCH, YOU KNOW UM, CONFUSION OVER THAT ONE. SEEMS LIKE THAT ONE FITS SO, LET’S TYPE IN THAT OTHER WORD, PROCLAMATION.

    HMM. HMM. OH MY GOODNESS, OK. PROCLAMATION, IT’S A NOUN, A PUBLIC OR OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT, ESPECIALLY ONE DEALING WITH A MATTER OF GREAT IMPORTANCE. EISENHOWER SIGNED A PROCLAMATION ADMITTING ALASKA TO THE UNION. SYNONYMS, DECREE, ORDER, EDICT, RULE, ANNOUNCEMENT, STATEMENT, PRONOUNCEMENT, DECLARATION, ADVERTISEMENT, BLAZONING.

    THAT LAST ONE, THE CLEAR DECLARATION OF SOMETHING. I RECORDED READING THE FULL TEXT BUT I’M NOT RETYPING IT. IT’S NOT WANTED IN THE PAGE COUNT EITHER. THE SEVEN MINUTE AUDIO EXISTS. GOOGLE THE FULL TEXT. 

“LET’S GET THIS BREAD BOYS”; CHAPTER FOUR: STRAWBERRY KIWI THE PREQUEL

SUNDAY FEBRUARY 10TH, 2019

MAY I SAY, THIS IS THE JUST THE PREQUEL, I JUST HAD TO GET ALL THAT OVER WITH. NOW THAT’S OVER WITH, WE’RE GOING TO GET REAL ECONOMICAL. BUT NOT YET, BECAUSE DAMMIT UGH, THAT FIRST PART WAS LIKE UGH, THE PREQUEL IS JUST LIKE WHOOSH, UGH, WE CAN GET TO THE MONEY. AS WHITE BOY DILLON FROM UPS (CHRISTMAS SEASON 2018) USED TO SAY, (SNIFFLES)  “LET'S GET THIS BREAD BOYS.” THAT’S HOW HE SAID IT. “LET’S GET THIS BREAD BOYS” SO, WITH THAT SAID, LET’S GET THIS BREAD BOYS. 

IT’S TIME, ALL I WANT YOU TO HAVE REALLY HAVE GOTTEN FROM THESE MINUTES OF THIS IS THAT IT’S TIME, FOR US, TO COME TOGETHER, AND STOP WORKING FOR THE WHITE MAN. IT’S NOT IN OUR BEST INTEREST, AND IT IS THE ONLY WAY TO GET HIM BACK, FOR WHAT HE HAS DONE TO US. YOU MUST NOW WORK FOR YOURSELVES. LET MY PEOPLE KNOW. SO, LIVE OFF, OF CREDIT, PAY CREDIT CARD BILL WITH CREDIT CARD CASH RESERVE OR ANOTHER CREDIT CARD, THEN PAY  MINIMUM BALANCE ONCE, IN A WEEK, THEN ONCE THE NEXT WEEK, THEN ONCE MORE THE NEXT WEEK. 

THEN, YOU TAKE A RIGHT DOWN RUDEY POO LANE, 

(WALKS AROUND ROOM) AND THAT’S HOW YOU’RE GONNA FEEL, WHEN YOU’RE WORKING FOR YOURSELF.  YOU’RE GONNA FEEL LIKE THE ROCK. YOU KNOW WHY? YOUR NAME’S DWAYNE JOHNSON. THAT’S HOW YOU’RE GONNA FEEL. MY NAME’S DWAYNE JOHNSON, YOU’RE GONNA FEEL THAT WAY ALL DAY. YOU’RE JUST GONNA, WANNA DO, EVERYTHING THE ROCK DID. LIKE, YOU’RE GONNA WANNA SAY ALL OF HIS, LIKE YOU’RE GONNA FEEL IT, THAT’S HOW YOU’RE GONNA FEEL LIKE.

GO TO YOUTUBE AND WATCH, TYPE IN THE ROCK COMPILATION, AND I’VE NEVER EVEN TYPED IN THAT MYSELF, BUT I’M SURE THERE’S ONE AND THEN YOU’LL SEE WHAT IT MEANS TO DO ALL OF THAT FOR THAT LONG AND HOW MUCH GREATNESS IT MIGHT FEEL LIKE AND THEN WHEN YOU LIVE THIS LIFE THAT I NOW, YOU KNOW, I COMMEND YOU TO LIVE. I COMMEND YOU TO WORK FOR YOURSELF. 

YOU KNOW WHAT? I, DARE YOU TO WORK FOR YOURSELF. YOU KNOW WHAT NIGGA? I DOUBLE DARE YOU TO WORK FOR YOURSELF NIGGA. OKAY, FIRST OFF, IT’S GONNA COST YOU $275 FOR LEGAL ZOOM NIGGA IT’S CALLED THE DBA. A DBA STANDS FOR DOING BUSINESS AS NIGGA. NOW NIGGA, LISTEN NIGGA, WE’RE TALKING ABOUT A DBA NIGGA, SO I COULD SAY NIGGA, CAUSE I’M TALKING TO NIGGAS ABOUT STUFF THAT, NOBODY TALKS TO NIGGAS ABOUT NIGGAS. THERE IS A JOKE IN AMERICA, THAT NIGGAS DON’T KNOW FINANCES, BUT NIGGA DID YOU KNOW THAT IF I GOOGLE AND TYPE IN A QUESTION NIGGA, IT’S GON GIVE ME AN ANSWER NIGGA?

(WALKS AROUND) SO, HERE’S THE QUESTION. I WANT TO ASK, GOOGLE. WE’RE GONNA MAKE GOOGLE GIVE US THE ANSWER FOR THIS STUFF. THEY CAN’T GET MAD AT US, WE WENT TO GOOGLE. GOOGLE WAS MADE BY YOU PEOPLE. SO, GOOGLE WHY YOU SO STUPID? (SMH), CHECK THIS OUT, HMM, WHAT, WHAT IS MY FAVORITE COLOR? MY FAVORITE COLOR, IS RED. HA, YA, SORRY, OK, WAIT, HOLD UP, LISTEN, LISTEN, HEY, HEY, OK. 

WHAT IS THE BUYING POWER OF THE, UH, NO, WAIT, OOH, HMM, WAIT, IS, MAYBE THAT’S NOT THE RIGHT TERM, BUYING POWER. WE’RE GONNA SEE, OH, WAIT, I SPELLED BUYING WITH A “M”, MAYBE THAT’S WHY,HOLD UP, TRY TWO, WAIT, (VOICE TREMBLING LIKE BARTHOLMEU SIMPSON) IT’S LESS THAN I THOUGHT. OH NO, NO, IT’S LESS THAN I THOUGHT, OK, THE QUESTION I TYPED, THE ANSWER,THE FIRST ANSWER, CAME FROM FORTUNE. THE SECOND ONE CAME FROM NIELSON. THE THIRD ONE CAME FROM BLACK ENTERPRISE, WHICH IS PROBABLY NOT EVEN OWNED SO ALL THE WAY. IT’S PROBABLY JUST A GAME, I DON'T’ KNOW. JUST BECAUSE THEY TALK ABOUT BLACK ENTERPRISES, DOESN’T MEAN IT IS ONE. OK, 

NIELSON FIELD REPORTS PUT BLACK BUYING POWER AS ONE POINT TWO TRILLION DOLLARS. UGH (HITS WALL) UH SHIT, I JUST HIT MY WALL AND EVERYTHING BUT I WON’T DO IT AGAIN, SO THEY DON’T COMPLAIN. I APOLOGIZE I SHOULD’VE HIT THE KITCHEN SINK LIGHTLY INSTEAD, OK, SO YEA, ONE POINT TWO TRILLION DOLLARS. OH SHIT, YA FEEL ME? DAMN, WHAT? NIGGA WHAT? HOLD ON, WHOA THERE, HOLD UP, DID YOU JUST SAY, ONE POINT TWO TRILLION? 

I HEARD IT WAS THREE BUT IT DOESN’T MATTER. A TRILLION DOLLARS IS LIKE TEN TIMES, ONE HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS. LIKE, IF YOU HAD NINE HUNDRED MILLION, AND I GAVE YOU ONE HUNDRE MILLION, YOU WOULD HAVE ONE BILLION DOLLARS. IF YOU HAD NINE HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS, AND I GAVE YOU ONE HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS, YOU’D BE A TRILLIONAIRE, SO, IF. YEA, SO, UM, THAT’S A LOT. SO THAT RIGHT THERE YOU KNOW SHOWS, YOU KNOW, JUST LIKE HOW UH, YOU KNOW, ECONOMICALLY POWERFUL, WE COULD BE. 

YOU KNOW, IF WE, HAD A MAP, ON WHERE TO GO, WHEN, WHERE, HOW OR WHY? THEN TURN DOWN FOR WHAT? OH, LEGALZOOM,, DBA, DOING BUSINESS AS, THEN YOU, PICK WHAT BUSINESS YOU WANT TO DO BUSINESS AS, THEN YOU PICK A NAME, YOU WANT TO DO BUSINESS AS. THAT’S WHAT IT MEANS, YOU’RE DOING BUSINESS AS. LIKE, IT’S LIKE YOUR NAME, GOES IN FRONT OF THE DBA. THEN THE WORD DBA, THEN AFTER THE WORDS DBA, UM, WHATEVER NAME YOU WANT TO DO BUSINESS AS. LIKE, OH, CLARK KENT, IS DOING BUSINESS AS SUPERMAN RIGHT NOW. 

YEA, SO, JUST LIKE THAT PART. CLARK KENT, SUPERMAN, YA-YA,      YA- YA, PETER PARKER, DOING BUSINESS AS YOUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD AYE! TOBEY MAGUIRE IS THE FIRST SPIDERMAN THEREFORE HE’S THE BEST, YA-YA-YA, DON'T FORGET WHO THE FIRST SPIDERMAN WAS. YA-YA-YA. DON’T FORGET WHO THE FIRST SPIDERMAN WAS, YA-YA-YA. WHO WAS, YEA UM, I REALLY LIKE THE MTV SPIDERMAN TOO LIKE, THE ANIMATED ONE.

DO YOU REMEMBER THE MTV ANIMATED SPIDERMAN DAWG? THAT WAS LIKE A VIDEO GAME. I WAS LIKE AYE. REAL TALK, IT WAS FIRE. IT WAS AS COOL AS BATMAN BEYOND. IT WAS COOLER THAN BATMAN BEYOND BUT, BATMAN BEYOND, WAS THAT SHIT. AYE, WHY DID THEY NEVER MAKE A BATMAN BEYOND MOVIE FUCKING BITCHES? ALL THEM MOTHER FREAKING BATMANS, WHY COULDN’T YOU GIVE CHRIS NOLAN, A BATMAN BEYOND. CHRIS NOLAN, COME BACK, WITH BATMAN BEYOND, PLEASE. PLEASE, PLEASE, CHRIS NOLAN, I KNOW YOU DON’T KNOW ME BUT PLEASE, PLEASE, WHEN I DIE TAKE THIS TO CHRIS NOLAN. CHRIS NOLAN, PLEASE, I’M SORRY I SPILLED ALL THE SECRETS ABOUT WHITE PEOPLE, CHRIS NOLAN I’M SORRY, PLEASE MAKE BATMAN BEYOND, CHRIS NOLAN PLEASE. 

HOLD ON, GOD PLEASE, MAKE CHRIS NOLAN, MAKE BATMAN BEYOND. PLEASE GOD, PLEASE CHRIS NOLAN, YOU GOT CLOUT, YOU WALK UP IN THERE, IT DOESN’T MATTER IF ITS, IT DOESN’T MATTER. WALK UP IN THERE AND YOU TELL THEM, YOU WANT TO DO BATMAN BEYOND. ALRIGHT? THEN, THEY’RE NOT GONNA UM, SAY ANYTHING BUT YES, BECAUSE YOU’RE THE FUCKING MAN, SO WHAT DO YOU NEED? IT’S LIKE JAMES CAMERON WALKED UP IN THERE, YOU JUST WALK IN THERE, WITH YOUR, BOTH OF YOUR HANDS, YOU KNOW, LIKE, YOUR FINGERS TOUCHING. ALL OF THE FINGERS TOUCHING  EACH OTHER AND PUT THAT LIKE, IN BETWEEN, YOUR CHIN AND YOUR NOSE AND YOU’RE JUST PACING AROUND THE ROOM FOR A FEW SECONDS. THEN YOU UM, YOU JUST LOOK AT THEM. THEN YOU TELL THEM, CUE THE REVEAL. THE CLOSE UP APPEARS THAT’S WHEN, YOU ZOOM IN, “I’VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT MAKING BATMAN BEYOND. (POV CUT) I WANNA DO IT.” AND THEN, IT’S JUST THAT SIMPLE. 

YOU KNOW? YOUR TRACK RECORD, JUST, DO IT. JUST STFU AND JUST DO IT. PLEASE, OK? AND THANK YOU. YOU KNOW, SO, (SNIFFLE) GONNA COME BACK AND DO, A LOT MORE, OF THESE. THIS IS GOING TO BE THE PROJECT, RIGHT NOW. I’M GOING TO DO THIS, PRETTY MUCH GOT ALL OF THAT STUFF, OUT OF THE WAY.  YOU KNOW, TRIED TO DO THAT AS LIGHTLY AS I COULD AND UM, I DIDN’T EVEN UM, EXPRESS ANY ANGER ABOUT THE THING. WHEN I STOP AND THINK ABOUT IT, I WAS, THAT WAS THE MAIN THING. YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? I THINK THAT SHIT’S FUNNY. EVERY TIME, EVERYTIME A WHITE PERSON TELLS ME THE RULES.

HISTORICALLY, IT’S JUST THE FUNNIEST SHIT EVER. LIKE, YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? ARE YOU, (SMH) ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW? YOU GONE COME UP TO ME, AND TELL ME, WHAT THE RULES ARE? OH? THAT’S MIGHTILY MIGHTY OF YOU. THAT’S MIGHTY-MIGHTY. (INHALES) YEA, MOTHERFUCKER JUST TOLD ME WHAT THE RULES WERE. THIS NIGGA, JUST TOLD ME, WHAT I CAN’T DO. HE JUST TOLD ME WHAT I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO DO. DID HE JUST TELL ME I COULD GET IN TROUBLE FOR THAT? HOLD UP, DID HE JUST BRING UP GOD TO ME? LIKE, HOLD UP, HOLD UP, YOU KNOW? NOW, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING, YOU JUST READ, THE EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATION. AND IT SAID IN THERE FAITHFULLY SEEK MINIMUM WAGES. 

SO, YOU’RE GONNA USE THAT, AS A WAY OF SAYING, SLAVERY NO LONGER EXISTS. WELL IT DOES AFTER YOU COMMIT A CRIME AND THEN YOU’RE A REAL SLAVE AGAIN, RIGHT? It'S LIKE,THAT’S WHAT I WANTED TO PUT IN THERE. THAT’S THE MIDDLE NAME OF THE EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATION. IT WASN’T EVEN REALLY STATED IN THERE, BASICALLY IT JUST SAYS HEY, NOW YOU’RE AN AMERICAN CITIZEN. NOW YOU CAN VOTE, IN A HUNDRED YEARS, IF YOU DO CRIME, YOU’RE GONE, YOU’RE GONE, YOU'RE GOING BACK, RIGHT WHERE YOU CAME FROM. 

WELL, NOT WHERE YOU CAME FROM, BUT WHERE YOU CAME FROM. YOU AIN’T GOING BACK TO WHERE YOU CAME FROM, YOU’RE GOING BACK, TO HOW IT USED TO BE. KINDA, WORST, IT’S GONNA BE WORST THIS TIME, NOW YOU’RE A FILTHY CRIMINAL. (LAUGHS) NOW YOU’RE “THE CRIMINAL,” IN THE LAND THAT’S NOT EVEN YOURS. NIGGA, HOW’D YOU GET THERE> DAM NIGGA, HOW’D WE GET HERE? IT’S COLD AS FUCK OVER HERE, IN EVERY WHICH WAY. NOW, WE HAVE TO UNDERSTAND. 

WE HAVE TO UNDERSTAND:CHAPTER FIVE: STRAWBERRY KIWI THE PREQUEL

SUNDAY FEBRUARY 10TH, 2019

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHAKEVIA KANAIJAH

WE HAVE TO UNDERSTAND. WE HAVE TO UNDERSTAND, THEIR POINT OF VIEW. WE COME, FROM WHEREVER, WE COME FROM NIGGA WE DONT REALLY FUCKING KNOW.     WE DON’T REALLY KNOW, THE NAME OF, OUR-OUR SPECIFIC TRIBE. OR COUNTRY. WE CAN PAY THE WHITE MAN TO TELL US. I’M SURE HE’LL TELL US THE TRUTH. HE WON’T LIE TO US. HELL, HE DON’T KNOW. FUCK HE CARE FOR? FOH? (ACCENT) NOW WHY IN THE HELL, WOULD HE EVEN CARE ABOUT THAT? THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO, WITH HIM. HE WOULDN’T GIVE A DAM. SO, 

 (TEN SECOND LAUGH) (COUGHS) SOMETIME, I TRY TO JUST, SO, TO JUST SKIP OVER SOMETIMES I CAN, AND UH, AND I JUST LAUGH AT MY OWN FOOLISHNESS. I THINK ALL OF THIS SHIT IS HILARIOUS, BECAUSE, GIVING OUT THE PLAN, OF COURSE IT’S FUCKING HILARIOUS TO ME, YOU KNOW? I THANK GOD FOR THE STUPIDITY, IT’S WONDERFUL, IT’S WONDERFUL TO SEE, IT’S HORRIBLE TO LOOK AT, BUT IT’S WONDERFUL TO SEE. YOU STOP TO REALLY SEE IT. YOU GO TO A RESTAURANT, YOU SIT DOWN. THE WAITRESS COMES, AND SHE FLIRTS WITH YOU. 

YOU TELL HER WHAT, YOU WOULD LIKE TO EAT, (SNIFFLES) SHE BRINGS IT TO YOU, AFTER TAKING YOUR ORDER, TO THE CHEFS. YOU EAT THE FOOD, YOU PAY THE BILL AND TIP, OR YOU WASH THE DISHES. BY WASHING THE DISHES, I MEAN, WASHING THE DISHES IN JAIL. SO, YOU PAY, THE BILL BECAUSE THE MEAL’S NOT FREE. SO, HOW ARE WE FREE? WHEN WE HAVE BILLS? IF YOU, HAVE BILLS, ECONOMICALLY, YOU’RE NOT FREE. YOU’RE BILLED. SO YOU CAN’T GO, TO ANOTHER STATE, FOR THIRTY DAYS STRAIGHT,  WE HAVE BILLS, I COULDN’T DO THAT EITHER, NOT YET. WE ALL GOT FUCKING BILLS. NONE OF US ARE FREE. LIKE, MCDONALDS, IS SPELLED IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS, BECAUSE IT IS A CORPORATION. 

SO IS APPLE, WHEN IT COMES TO STOCKS, ALL OF THE STOCKS ARE SPELLED IN CAPITAL LETTERS, THEY REPRESENT COMPANIES. COMPANIES, CORPORATIONS, ARTIFICIAL CORPORATIONS, (SNIFFLES) THEY, CAPITALIZE OUR LETTERS, ON OUR NAMES, ON OUR IDENTIFICATION AND DRIVER’S LICENSES. ALRIGHT, WHITE PEOPLE LANGUAGE IS CALLED STRAWMAN. IT’S CALLED UNIFORM COMMERCIAL CODE. U.C.C. ULTIMATE CRICHTON COLLECTION. U.C.C. 2019. FOR DUMMIES, WHITE PEOPLE SPEAK IN UNIFORM COMMERCIAL CODE. (INHALES THRU NOSTRIL) I’VE NEVER READ THE BOOK. I’M GOING TO OF COURSE, TO SPEAK STRAWMAN, WHAT’S A STRAWMAN? A FAKE MAN, MADE OF HEY-HAY-HAYE, ON ANY GIVEN DAY. 

A FRIKKING SCARECROW. SO, DRIVING, LET’S GO TO GOOGLE. A, THIS SHIT GIVES ME THE HEEBY JEEBIES. DRIVING, DEFINE DRIVING. DEFINE DRIVING. DRIVING, THE, THANK YOU GOOGLE, FOR BEING HONEST WITH ME. DRIVING, ADJECTIVE, WE ARE GOING  SKIP THAT ONE. NOUN, THE CONTROL AND OPERATION OF A MOTOR VEHICLE. OK, HMM, STRAWMAN, THAT’S THE DEFINITION OF DRIVING. REMEMBER THAT, WE ARE GOING TO NEED THAT LATER. DEFINE, MOTOR VEHICLE. WHAT’S A MOTOR VEHICLE?

MOTOR VEHICLE, NOUN, A ROAD VEHICLE POWERED BY AN INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE. OH MY GOSH, AND THEN, IN SEMI-COLON, THEY PUT, AN AUTOMOBILE. OH MY GOODNESS. HOLD ON, NOW WE GOTTA GO SOMEWHERE ELSE? GOOGLE YOU ARE ON THAT BULLSHIT GOOGLE. GOOGLE, (LAUGHS) OK, HAHAHA, WAIT A MINUTE. 85.173  DEFINITION OF A MOTOR VEHICLE, FOR THE PURPOSE OF DETERMINING THE APPLICABILITY OF SECTION 216 (TO A VEHICLE THAT IS SELF PROPELLED THAT IS CAPABLE OF TRANSPORTING A PERSON OR PERSONS OR ANY MATERIAL, OR ANY PERMANENTLY OR TEMPORARILY AFFIXED APPARATUS SHALL BE DEEMED A MOTOR VEHICLE, UNLESS ANY ONE OR MORE OF THE CRITERIA, SET FORTH BELOW ARE MET AND WHICH THIS VEHICLE SHOULD NOT DEEMED A MOTOR VEHICLE.)

THE VEHICLE CAN NOT EXCEED A MAXIMUM SPEED OF 25MPHS OVER LEVELED SURFACES, WHAT? THE VEHICLE CAN NOT EXCEED A MAXIMUM SPEED OF 25MPHS OVER LEVEL PAID SURFACES? HOLD UP. HOLD UP. I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING. YOUR CAR, YOUR AUTOMOBILE, TRAVELS, AT SPEEDS OVER, NIGGA, WHAT I’M TRYING TO SAY IS WHEN’S THE LAST TIME YOU DID 25MPS IN YOUR CAR AND IT WASN’T IN A SCHOOL ZONE ON A SCHOOL DAY NIGGA?? 

NIGGA WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU STOPPED AT A STOP SIGN? COMPLETELY NIGGA? NIGGA, WHAT YOU KNOW, ABOUT A ROLLING STOP? NIGGA THAT’S ALL YOU KNOW. (LAUGHS) YA’LL NIGGAS DON’T STOP AT STOP SIGNS MAN. EVERYTIME I SEE YOU NIGGAS STOP AT A STOP SIGN, FOR REAL, I BE LIKE AYE, THIS NIGGA STOPPED, ALL THE WAY, I BE LIKE HEY, I JUST WANNA GIVE THEM LIKE, A SIGN LIKE, HEY, I SAW THAT, AYE! AS A PEDESTRIAN, THAT FELT GOOD TO SEE. THIS NIGGA ACTUALLY STOPPED, LIKE, I WASN’T EVEN TRYING TO CROSS THE MOTHERFUCKER, I WAS NOT EVEN  NEAR THERE, JUST, I SAW IT HAPPENED. 

HE PULLED UP AT THE STOP SIGN, AND HE ACTUALLY, STOPPED. EVEN IF CARS WERE BEHIND HIM. SO, NOW THE OTHER CAR BEHIND HIM, OR HER, WOULD LOOK LIKE A JACKASS, BY NOT STOPPING. THE FUNNY THING IS, THEY DON’T CARE, THEY’RE COOL. AND THEY’RE IN A RUSH. A RUSH, TO GET A TICKET. (L) THEY’RE IN AN EXTREME RUSH, TO LOSE THEIR LICENSE. FIVE POINTS DEDUCTED, SEE NEXT COUNTER, FOR BEGGING. HOW MANY MINUTES HAVE I BEEN RECORDING THIS FOR? AW SH, OK TEN MINUTES, SO YEAH, THIS IS THE PREQUEL, TO KIND OF GIVE YOU, THE OVERLAY. UM, SO LET’S LOOK AT THE DEFINITION OF, ALRIGHT, LET’S FINISH THIS ONE.

NUMBER TWO, THE VEHICLE LACKS FEATURES CUSTOMARILY ASSOCIATED WITH SAFE OR PRACTICAL, STREET AND HIGHWAY USE. SUCH FEATURES INCLUDE, BUT NOT BEING LIMITED TO, A REVERSE GEAR, EXCEPT IN THE CASE OF MOTORCYCLES. A DIFFERENTIAL OR SAFETY FEATURES REQUIRED BY STATE AND OR FEDERAL LAW, OR, THE VEHICLE OF ITS FEATURES WHICH RENDERS ITS USE ON A STREET AND HIGHWAY IN AN UNSAFE  OR UNPRACTICAL MANNER 

SUCH FEATURES INCLUDING, WE’RE GOING TO READ THIS LIKE SHAKESPEARE. HOLD ON, THAT JUST STARTED TO SOUND LIKE SHAKESPEARE TO ME. THIS NEXT PARAGRAPH IS SHAKESPEARE FOR MY EARS. NOW, HOLD ON, WAIT, I DIDN’T SAY THAT RIGHT. THERE’S NO WAY TO REWIND. SO I JUST, 

(SHAKESPEAREAN) THIS NEXT PARAGRAPH IS SHAKESPEARE TO MY EARS. SHAKESPEARE TO MY EARS, THIS NEXT PARAGRAPH IS. 

THE VEHICLE EXHIBITS FEATURES WHICH RENDER IT’S USE ON THE STREET OR HIGHWAY UNSAFE AND HIGHLY UNPRACTICAL, SUCH FEATURES INCLUDING, BUT NOT BEING LIMITING TO, TRACK ROAD CONTACT, MEANING, INORDINATE SIZE AND FEATURES ORDINARILY ASSOCIATED WITH MILITARY COMBAT AND TACTICAL VEHICLES SUCH AS ARMORY AND OR WEAPONRY. I KNOW WHAT YOUR THINKING. 

YOU’VE BEEN HAD. YOU DON’T DRIVE A MOTOR VEHICLE NIGGA? A MOTOR VEHICLE IS A MOTHERFUCKING ICE CREAM TRUCK NIGGA. WHEN IS THE LAST TIME YOU HAVE SEEN A MUG RIDING AN ICE CREAM TRUCK NIGGA? CAN’T GET NO YO’S IN THE ICE CREAM TRUCK. NOW, YOU CAN. YOU CAN. MASTER P CAN. NOW WE MOVE ON TO DEFINE AUTOMOBILE. GOOGLE, HELP ME, EXPOSE, ALL OF YOU ALL’S BULLSHIT. GOOGLE IS ON THAT BULLSHIT. THEY COVERING UP THIS SHIT DAWG. THEY JUST NEEDED NIGGAS LIKE ME TO COME AND (CLICKING NOISE AND POP) PUT THE PIECES TOGETHER, REAL QUICK. HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, I’M GOING TO HAVE TO DIE FOR THIS. HEY, HEY, HEY, NIGGAS BEEN DYING FOR YEARS. WHO AM I TO THINK I WAS SPECIAL? HEY, HEY, HEY, COULD YOU SPARE A DOGE COIN? (SNIFFLES)

OK, AUTOMOBILE, NOUN, ROAD VEHICLES, FOUR WHEELS, ABLE TO CARRY SMALL NUMBER OF PEOPLE, INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE. WHAT’S THE NEXT DEFINITION CHAD? WHAT’S THE NEXT DEFINITION? EVERY PIECE OPENS ANOTHER PUZZLE. THE LAST PIECE OF ONE PUZZLE IS THE FIRST PIECE OF THE NEXT PUZZLE. DEFINE TRAVELLING. YA-YA-YA-YA-YA-YA. TRAVEL, VERB, MAKE A JOURNEY, TYPICALLY ABROAD. 

IRELAND DEM, NUMBER TWO, MOVING IN A CONSTANT OR PREDICTABLE WAY. LIGHT TRAVELS FASTER THAN SOUND. LAST THING, THE RIGHT TO TRAVEL. LOOK UP, THE RIGHT TO TRAVEL. OK. I JUST DID IT. WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. 

CASE NUMBER TWO, DID YOU HERE WHAT HE SAID HALFWAY THRU? COME ON, WE NEED TO LEARN HOW TO SPEAK WHITE PEOPLE. AND I’M JUST THE NIGGA TO DO IT. THE RIGHT OF THE CITIZEN TO TRAVEL UPON THE PUBLIC HIGHWAYS AND TO TRANSPORT HIS PROPERTY THERE ON EITHER BY CARRIAGE OR BY AUTOMOBILE. IT IS NOT A PRIVILEGE THEY MAY PROHIBIT AT WILL BUT A COMMON LAW RIGHT, WHICH HE HAS IN THE RIGHT TO LIFE, LIBERTY, AND THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS. 

HOLD UP, HOLD, UP. WITH THAT SAID, NIGGA YOU’VE BEEN HAD. WE’VE ALL BEEN HAD BEN. I BEEN HAD, YOU BEEN HAD, EVERYBODY YOU KNOW’S BEEN HAD. NIGGA, MANY TIMES, MANY TIMES, MANY TIMES, HOLD UP. THEY ALWAYS WANT TO TELL US THE RULES. HOLD UP. SO, I HAVE ONE QUESTION FOR YOU WHITE MAN? 

AM I WRONG? (SHUFFLING AND MUFFLING) (FADE TO BLACK) 

STRAWBERRY KIWI THE INTRODUCTORY PREQUEL (THANK YOU)