THE MISTRESS CHAPTER ONE

“THE MISTRESS”

VANESSA B. STALLONE (PEN NAME)

SPECTRAL FONT 

RECORDED IN THE PARK ON LODI STREET BY THE CHASE BANK YOU FEEL ME? SYRACUSE NEW YORK

TRANSCRIBED BETWEEN THURSDAY AUGUST 29TH, 2019-

OK, CHAD XZAVIER HARRIS RECORDING ON 3:50PM EASTERN TIME ON AUGUST 29TH, 2019. WE’RE GOING TO RECORD A BRAND NEW STORY, CALLED “THE MISTRESS”, AND UM, YEA, WE’RE GOING TO RECORD A BRAND NEW STORY CALLED THE MISTRESS. WTF? ALRIGHT OUT OF NOWHERE, THAT TREE BRANCH JUST STARTED MOVING AND CRACKING, AND FALLING AND SH WE’RE GOING TO WALK OVER THERE. 

UM, THE MISTRESS, UH, ALL OF THE THOUGHTS, ARE ABOUT TO JUST POUR OUT. SO I DON’T HAVE ANY THOUGHTS JUST LINED UP ON PAPER OR ANYTHING, UM, “THE MISTRESS”. WHAT’S THE BACKSTORY OF “THE MISTRESS”? UH “THE MISTRESS”, IS DEDICATED TO PRINCESS DIANA, UM, THE ANNIVERSARY OF HER ASSASSINATION, IS COMING UP IN A FEW DAYS AND UM, I HAVE SO MUCH RESPECT FOR HER AND WHAT SHE STOOD FOR. I ALWAYS LIKE TO GO BACK, AND MAKE OTHER PROJEECTS ABOUT HER, ANY OTHER PROJECTS I DID ABOUT HER THAT ARE UNRELEASED, THEY WOULD HAVE TO HAVE BEEN FROM, LIKE 2016. I REMEMBER, I DID THE “CREEPEE PASTA VOLUME TWO” ABOUT HER ASSASSINATION. 

I CAN’T WAIT TO GET THE CORDS FOR MY LAPTOP SO I CAN UM, HAVE ACCESS TO THE HARD DRIVE AND GET THAT AUDIO FILE, UPLOAD IT AD ALSO TRANSCRIBE IT. UM, “THE MISTRESS”, DEDICATED TO PRINCESS DIANA, UM, IT’S NOT ABOUT HER IT’S REALLY ABOUT THOUGHTS SHE INSPIRED AND THOUGHTS SHE HELPED ME WITH YOU KNOW UM? IT’S JUST USING HER STORY AS AN ANCHOR, FOR CERTAIN DECISIONS, THOUGHTS AND STUFF LIKE THAT. 

LET’S JUST GO AND GET INTO IT, UH, “THE MISTRESS”. UH, WHERE DO WE START WITH THAT? UH, LET’S JUST START WITH LIKE, SOCIAL COMMENTARY AND SATIRE RIGHT? OK, I USED TO HAVE THIS JOKE, TO MYSELF, THAT I WOULD TELL MYSELF. IT’S A KIND OF RECENT JOKE LIKE, BEING IN NEW YORK KIND OF THING. UM, THE JOKE WAS LIKE, HEY LIKE, WHY DON’T YOU JUST LIKE, GIVE UP ON FINDING A GIRLFRIEND AND JUST UM, JUST SETTLE ON A MISTRESS. 

YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? JUST TELL THEM STRAIGHT UP, LIKE ALRIGHT, I’M SINGLE, I DON’T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND OR A WIFE, BUT I’M JUST, I’M JUST LOOKING FOR A MISTRESS AND I JUST FIND THAT REALLY FUNNY. I WAS LIKE HOLD ON, HOW DO YOU, HOW DO YOU, SELL THAT? LIKE OK, I’M SINGLE, BUT I’M NOT LOOKING FOR A GIRLFRIEND OR A WIFE. I’M ONLY LOOKING FOR A MISTRESS. SO THEN IT’S LIKE, WHAT‘S THE DEFINITION OF A MISTRESS THOUGH MY NIGGA?

YOU FEEL ME? LIKE WHAT’S THE REAL, HARDCORE DEFINITION OF A MISTRESS? LIKE MAYBE WE SHOULD LOOK THAT UP LIKE, YOU ALREADY KNOW THE EFFING, LET’S JUST LOOK IT UP. DEFINE “MISTRESS” RIGHT? WHAT ARE THE PREREQUISITES, FOR A MISTRESS? WELL, WHEN YOU TYPE IN DEFINE, THE TOP GOOGLE SEARCHES, FOR JUST THE WORD DEFINE. “PANSEXUAL” IS NUMBER ONE. NUMBER TWO IS “NARCISSIST”. NUMBER THREE IS “CLOUT” NUMBER FOUR IS SOCIALISM. FIVE IS LOVE. SIX IS FASCISM SEVEN IS BIGOT AND EIGHT IS SOCIOPATH.

SO THAT JUST SHOWS YOU, WHAT THE F IS GOING ON IN THE WORLD. NIGGAS ARE LOOKING UP PANSEXUAL, NARCISSIST, CLOUT INVOLVING SOCIALISM, LOOKING FOR LOVE INSIDE OF FASCISM, AND THE BIGOTS AND SOCIOPATHS, EFFIN CRAZY. ANYWAY, NOW DEFINE “MISTRESS” BOOM! “MISTRESS”, A WOMAN IN A POSITION OF AUTHORITY OR CONTROL, OH SH. I GET IT, A WOMAN IN POSITION OF AUTHORITY OF CONTROL. SHE WAS ALWAYS THE MISTRESS OF THE SITUATION. AW, OK, THEN NUMBER TWO WOULD BE A WOMAN HAVING AN EXTRA-MARITAL SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP, ESPECIALLY WITH A MARRIED MAN. 

OK, SO, SO, THE CORRECT DEFINITION OF A MISTRESS, I GOTTA HURRY UP AND BUY NEW SHOES THIS SH’S CRAZY UM. THE DEFINITON OF THE WORD “MISTRESS”. UH, IT REQUIRES PRETTY MUCH ONE OR BOTH OF YOU ALL, TO ALREADY BE IN A MARITAL RELATIONSHIP. SO YOU HAVE TO BE MARRIED, YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING TO HAVE A MISTRESS OR WHAT NOT? YOU HAVE TO BE MARRIED, UM, YOU GOTTA BE MARRIED RIGHT? OK, YOU GOTTA BE MARRIED. (LAUGHS) SO, IF I’M NOT MARRIED AND SHE’S NOT MARRIED UH, TECHNICALLY IT’S NOT A MISTRESS. 

THAT’S COOL BECAUSE, THAT’S NOT A REALLY A DEFINITION, THAT YOU WANT TO DEFINE YOUR LIFE ANYWAY. I WOULDN’T WANT TO REALLY HAVE A MISTRESS, LIKE, THAT WAS THE WHOLE POINT. LIKE ALRIGHT, BAICALLY, BY ME WALKING UP TO A GIRL AND TALKING TO HER AND BEING LIKE HEY, UM, HI, MY NAME IS CHAD, I’M SINGLE, I UM, I’M NOT LOOKING FOR A GIRLFRIEND OR A WIFE UH I’M JUST LOOKING FOR A MISTRESS. THEN IT

IF SHE,  IT PAUSED, YOU KNOW, OK, UM, HI MY NAME IS CHAD, UM, I’M 29, I’M SINGLE, I’M NOT MARRIED, UM, I’M NOT LOOKING FOR A GIRLFRIEND UM I’M ONLY LOOKING FOR A MISTRESS RIGHT? THEN IT’S LIKE, THAT’S REALLY SILLY BECAUSE, IF SHE’S SINGLE AND NOT MARRIED AND I’M SINGLE AND NOT MARRIED, THEN SHE COULDN’T BE MY MISTRESS.  THAT WAS THE WHOLE POINT, IT’S JUST ME BASICALLY ADMITTING LIKE OK, UM, EVERYBODY CHEATS SO WHY WOULD I YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING, WANNA GET CHEATED ON? 

SO, WHY DON’T YOU JUST, LIKE, OK, IF I WALK UP TO EM AND BE LIKE YEA I’M JUST LOOKING FOR A MISTRESS. YOU KNOW, EVEN IF THEY WERE DOWN WITHT THE SH IT’D BE LIKE OK, BUT YOU’RE NOT REALLY MARRIED SO WHY HAVE ME AS YOUR MISTRESS? I JUST LIKE, YOU KNOW, DON’T DO THE GIRLFRIEND THING OR WHATEVER, AND THAT WAS THE WHOLE POINT. IT’S LIKE, EVERYBODY CHEATS LIKE, LIKE NOBODY’S FAITHFUL ANYMORE RIGHT?

LIKE, THAT WHOLE JOKE, WAS JUST ME LIKE BEING HONEST ABOUT, MY FEAR OF UH, YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING, MY FEAR OF - I’M WALKING UP A HILL AND IT’S EFFING STEEP. IT’S A LOT OF HILLS IN SYRACUSE IT’S CRAZY. UH, IT’S JUST UM, LET ME THINK, HOLD UP I’M ALMOST UP THIS BX. IT’S JUST LIKE OK, SO EVERYBODY  CHEATS, NOBODY’S FAITHFUL, EVERYONE’S AN EFFING WHORE, EVERYONE WANTS TO FK WHOEVER THEY WANT TO FK. YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? WHENEVER THEY WANT TO FK THEM, AND THEY HAVE ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND REASONS WHY THAT SH’S OK.

 LET THAT MF CATCH AIDS OR CATCH CHILDREN AND EFFING GET PUT ON CHILD SUPPORT AND LOSE CUSTODY OF THE CHILDREN, NEVER HAVE CUSTODY OF THE CHILDREN, AND HAVE THESE  CHILDREN RUNNING AROUNDTHIS EFFING WORLD WITHOUT EVEN FULLY KNOWING THEIR PARENTS, CAUSING DESTRUCTION AND DEPRESSION ALL OVER THE EFFING PLACE, LIKE YOUR KIDS WERE BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOUR GUIDANCE, ON SOME STUPID SH, THEN THEY WANT ALL OF THE PITY IN THE WORLD. I HAVE NO PITY FOR NONE OF YOU NIGGAS. 

I HAVE NO PITY FOR ANY OF YOU NIGGAS, I’M TALKING TO EVERYBODY LIKE I’M YOUR OLDER EFFING BROTHER, LIKE I’M YOUR EFFING UNCLE OR SOME SH. LIKE I’M NOT GOING TO CUT YOU ANY SLACK, I LOOK AT WOMEN, LIKE I WAS THEIR EFFING UNCLE. LIKE, THAT’S THE ONLY, LIKE THEY SAY THAT SH, IN “THE GAME” OR “THE PUA MYSTERY METHOD” SH, I DIDN’T GET IT, NINE YEARS AGO.

YOU REALLY DO HAVE TO TALK TO ‘EM LIKE YOUR LITTLE SISTER, BECAUSE, THE AVERAGE PERSON IS NOT A LEADER. SO THE AVERAGE WOMAN IS NOT A LEADER AND THAT’S WHERE WE WENT WRONG. THE PURSUIT OF WOMEN WA THE DOWNFALL OF MAN. LIKE REAL SH, YOU CAN’T BLAME IT ON THE WOMAN FOR EATING THE EFFING APPLE. THAT MF DIDN’T KNOW ANY BETTER, SHE’S AN EFFING WOMAN. YOU FEEL ME? ALL SHE WANTED TO DO WAS JUST HAVE FUN!

WE DIDN’T HAVE TO FOLLOW HER GOOFY ASS. LIKE, THAT’S ALL I’M SAYING, THAT’S ALL I’M SAYING, I’M NOT BEING LED BY ANYONE DUMBER THAN ME AND I’M DAM SURE NOT BEING LED BY A D.A.B. YOU FEEL ME? SO LIKE, THAT’S THE MIDDLE GROUND WE HAVE TO COME TO, LIKE, WOMAN WASN’T THE FALL OF MAN. IT WAS MAN PURSUING WOMAN IN THE FIRST EFFING PLACE. LIKE YOU JUST WANT YOUR EFFING RIB BACK. YOU FEEL ME? ON SOME DUMB SH.

SO, I HAVE NO EFFING PITY FOR PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT DON’T HAVE CUSTODY OF THEIR CHILD, OR ANY OF THAT SH, OR NONE OF THAT SH BRO. LIKE NONE OF THAT SH BRO, LIKE, IT’S SERIOUS, SERIOUS CONSEQUENCES TO SEXUAL MISCONDUCT AND RECKLESSNESS. I’VE LEARNED THOSE LESSONS AS A CHILD. THAT SH WILL HAUNT YOU FOREVER SO I HAVE NO EFFING SYMPATHY FOR YOU MFS, YOU WANT TO GET HAUNTED, THEN JUST KEEP ON BEING AS STUPID AS YOU WANT TO BE MY NIGGA BUT. YOU’RE NOT GOING TO GET ANY POINTS WHEN IT COMES TO EFFING, RATING INTELLIGENCE, YOU’RE NOT GOING TO GET ANY EFFING POINTS FOR THAT SH. 

YOU DON’T GET ANY POINTS EFFING POINTS FOR GETTING A WOMAN PREGNANT AND THEN EFFING ABANDONING HER, YOU CAN MAKE UP ANY EFFING EXCUSES YOU WANT. YOU CAN CALL HER A DUMB BX WHEN YOU SHOULD’VE KNOW THE BX WAS DUMB, WHEN YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN HER. YOU FEEL ME? YOU’RE NO EFFING SMARTER. LIKE REAL SH, LIKE YOU ALWAYS FIND OUT SHE WAS DUMB AFTER YOU GOT HER PREGNANT. YOU WERE JUST IN A RUSH. LIKE MFS ARE IN A REAL RUSH, TO THROW AWAY THEIR FREEDOM SO, THAT WAS THE WHOLE POINT OF THAT WHOLE JOKE.

IT WAS LIKE, OK, I’M NOT LOOKING FOR AN EFFING GIRLFRIEND, BECAUSE, YOU’RE PROBABLY A HO AND I’M PROBABLY A HO, SO WHAT’S THE EFFING POINT OF LIKE, TWO HOES TRYING TO BE FAITHFUL? LIKE, ARE WE BOTH HOES OR ARE WE BOTH FAITHFUL, YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? LIKE I HAVE PROVED IT TO MYSELF THAT I CAN GO MULTIPLE YEARS WITHOUT SEX, BUT IF THE PERSON ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE CONVERSATION CAN’T LIKE DO THAT, THEN YOU KNOW, UH, THEY’RE GONNA BE CONSIDERED MORE HOE=ISH THAN I AM. YOU FEEL ME?

LIKE, LIKE, YOU KNOW, ALL I HAVE TO DO IS JUST ASK THEM, WHAT’S THE LONGEST YOU CAN GO WITHOUT SEX? THEN THEY’RE GOING TO SMILE AND SAY SOME STUPID SH, ACT LIKE IT’S CUTE AND NOT EVEN KNOWING THAT THEY’RE LIKE, THEY’RE SHOWING ALL OF THEIR WEAKNESSES RIGHT THERE TO ME. LIKE OK, I CAN NEVER TRUST YOU, YOU FEEL ME? LIKE I CAN GO YEARS WITHOUT SEX SO IT’S SAFE TO SAY YOU CAN ACTUALLY TRUST ME BECAUSE I’VE DONE IT BEFORE, ALONE. YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? 

IT’S LIKE YOU ASK A MF, LIKE WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU EFFING UH, SMOKED OR SOMETHING AND THEY WERE JUST LIKE UH, UH I CAN’T STOP SMOKING, I NEVER TRIED TO STOP. THEN IT’S LIKE, LIKE THAT’S WHEN YOU GET KIND OF WORRIED LIKE DAM. THIS PERSON HAS NO LIKE SELF CONTROL BUT I’M GOING TO SAY IT WITH AN EFFING SMILE ON MY FACE OH LIKE IT’S EFFING COOL. LIKE NAH, LIKE, I’M ON HERE, TALKING TO YOU ALL ABOUT, CHASING SOBRIETY AND DEALING WITH IT AND FACING IT.

IT’S HARD, IT’S NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL THOUGH. IT’S JUST A MENTAL THING. YOU KNOW, IT’S A PHYSICAL PLEASURE. IT’S AN EFFING PHYSICAL PLEASURE MAN. SO, YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? THAT’S ALL I’M TRYING TO SAY, TRY TO CONTROL HOW MUCH THE PHYSICAL PLEASURES CONTROL YOU OR WHATEVER, YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? UM, IT’S RAINING A LITTLE HARDER, I DON’T REALLY HAVE SHELTER. MY PHONE IS CRACKED, DROPPED IT A FEW NIGHTS AGO WHILE RIDING MY BIKE OR WHATEVER BUT UM. LET ME THINK, NO SHELTER OVER HERE, UM, EFFING  BACK HURTS, ALRIGHT. 

LIKE, THE MISTRESS, IT’S JUST LIKE, IT’S LIKE, IT’S REALLY JUST A REFLEECTION ON FAITHFULNESS. LIKE HOW FAITHFUL CAN YOU BE? IT’S LIKE, THAT’S ALL I WAS SAYING. BY ME, WALKING UP TO A WOMAN LIKE HEY, MY NAME’S CHAD I DON’T HAVE ANY CHILDREN OR A GIRLFRIEND OR A WIFE OR ANYTHING BUT I’M NOT LOOKING FOR ANY OF THAT RIGHT NOW. I JUST WANT A MISTRESS. I JUST WANT A SIDE CHICK. THAT’S MY WAY OF SAYING, TO THE GIRL, LIKE, LIKE THE WORLD IS EFFED UP AND YOU’RE VIEWS MIGHT BE EFFED UP TOO, SO THAT’S WHY I’M COMING TO YOU LIKE THIS. 

LIKE, LIKE YOU MIGHT HAVE LIKE NO SELF CONTROL AND YOU WANT TO BE A HO AND FK WHOEVER YOU WANT TO FK,WHENEVER, NO MATTER WHAT RIGHT? THAT’S YOUR EFFING RIGHT, RIGHT? TO GIVE YOUR BODY AWAY TO WHOEVER YOU WANT, YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? UH, AND IT IS. YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE THE RIGHT TO DEVALUE YOURSELF. YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? IF YOU WANT TO LESSEN YOUR WORTH, THEN-THEN GO RIGHT AHEAD. 

SHARE YOUR SOUL, WITH AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU EFFING CAN. IF YOU THINK THAT’S A GOOD IDEA. LIKE REAL EFFING SH, LIKE REAL EFFING SH, LIKE, YO, THE STATE OF THE WORLD SCARES THE FK OUT OF ME BRO. LIKE, NIGGAS ARE GETTING LED BY SILLY ASS WOMEN BRO LIKE, WE’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO LET THEM LEAD US. LIKE, THEY ARE NOT LEADING ME ANYWHERE I’M NOT LETTING THEM LEAD ME ANYWHERE. 

I’M NOT LETTING THEM LEAD ME ANYWHERE, YOU’RE NOT LEADING ME ANYWHERE. YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? I’M NOT TAKING ORDERS FROM YOU, I’M NOT EFFING FOLLOWING YOU. YOU THINK YOU’RE INSTAGRAM FAMOUS AND SH YOU HAVE A FEW THOUSAND EFFING FOLLOWERS. YOU HAVE TEN THOUSAND FOLLOWERS AND SH, YOU’RE NOT EVEN GETTING PAID OFF OF THE SH. LIKE, THEY’RE SO STUCK UP NOW BRO, THAT’S WHY I JUST WALK RIGHT PAST THEM.

I DON’T EVER SAY ANYTHING, I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY TO YOU. WHY DON’T YOU JUST LET A STUPID NIGGA GET YOU PREGNANT ALREADY SO YOU CAN BE OFF OF THE MARKET? THAT’S WHAT YOU MFS DON’T UNDERSTAND, AS SOON AS YOU GET PREGNANT, YOU’RE OFF THE MARKET. ONCE YOU’RE A SINGLE MOM, YOU’RE EFFING ROMANTIC LOVE LIFE IS DONE, NOBODY GIVES A FK. FK IF YOU’RE LONELY. YOU WANT COMPANIONSHIP,  ALRIGHT, YOU SHOULD’VE WAITED A LITTLE BIT LONGER, UNTIL YOU GOT OLDER AND PEOPLE WHO WERE AROUND YOU WERE MORE EFFING DEVELOPED. 

YOU FEEL ME? IF YOU RUSH, INTO A BUILDING THAT IS ON FIRE MY NIGGA YOU MIGHT NOT MAKE IT OUT. MFS RUSHED INTO THE EFFING BUILDING, OR MAYBE THEY JUST LIKE, WENT INTO THE BUILDING AND STARTED LOOKING AT THE WALLS LIKE IT WAS AN EFFING MUSUEM WITH PAINTINGS ON IT AND THEY DID NOT RUN OUT OF THE BUILDING IN TIME AND IT COLLAPSED ON THEM.

MAYBE YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO RUN IN THE BUILDING AND OUT FAST LIKE IT WAS AN EFFING AMUSEMENT PARK. YOU KNOW? SO, LIKE, AS AN AUTHOR, AS A NOVELIST, AS A WRITER, EXPRESSING THE POINT, I DON’T, HEY, IF YOU’RE A SINGLE FATHER, AS IN YOU DON’T HAVE CUSTODY OF  THE CHILD AND THE MOM DOES, LIKE, YOU PUT THAT ON YOURSELF. YOU FEEL ME?

LIKE YOU SHOULD’VE, YOU SHOULD’VE VETTED THAT OUT A LITTLE BIT BETTER. YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? THERE WAS NO RUSH. LIKE WHO PUT A SHOTGUN TO YOUR HEAD TELLING YOU TO GET THE MF PREGNANT? YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? SO, CONVERSELY, IF YOU ARE A SINGLE MOTHER AND THE DAD JUST UP AND EFFING LEFT, LIKE A LOT OF THEM DO, THAT WAS YOUR FAULT BABY GIRL I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT ME TO TELL YOU. 

YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? THAT NIGGA STUCK HIS DICK IN YOU, WITH YOUR PERMISSION. THAT NIGGA DID NOT RAPE YOU. CORRECT? IT WAS NO FORCED ENTRY. CORRECT? YOU ALLOWED THAT NIGGA TO STICK HIS DICK INSIDE OF YOUR VAGINA, IMPREGNATE YOU BY LEAVING SEMEN IN THERE, AND THEN - THEN HE GOT WHAT HE WANTED AND EFFING LEFT YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING?

LIKE THERE’S NO SYMPATHY, THERE’S ONLY EMPATHY BUT EMPATHY ONLY GOES SO FAR. THAT’S THE SECOND TIME SOMEBODY WALKED PAST ME AND I JUST STOP AND LET THEM PASS ME. I’M REALLY APPREHENSIVE, I DON’T REALLY WANT YOU ANYWHERE NEAR ME (LAUGHS) YOU KNOW? SO I DON’T EVEN CARE ABOUT ALL OF THAT FAME SH ANYMORE, I’D BE TOO JADED FOR IT ALL. I WOULDN’T WANT MFS RUNNING UP ON ME LIKE THAT ANYWAY. 

YOU KNOW SO ANYWAY, UM, YOU CAN CONSIDER IT HARSH IF YOU WANT. AT THE END OF THE DAY, YOU LEARN THAT SH IN BIOLOGY. IT’S CALLED SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST. SURVIVAL OF THE EFFING SMARTEST. STRAIGHT UP, ONLY THE STRONG SURVIVE MY NIGGA. LIKE, IF YOU’RE A SINGLE PARENT THAT’S WHAT YOU WANTED TO HAPPEN. SAME THING WITH ME, IF THE SAME THING HAPPENS TO ME THEN THAT’S WHAT I WANTED TO HAPPEN. 

YOU FEEL ME? IF YOU’RE NOT HARD ON THESE HOES YOU’RE GETTING A HEADACHE. STRAIGHT UP, THAT COMES FROM “MIKHAIL WIZE N ARIE QUARLES.” LIKE REAL SH, IF YOU’RE NOT HARD ON THESE HOES YOU’RE CATCHING A HEADACHE. YOU AINT GIVING ME ANY HEADACHES. I GET ENOUGH HEADACHES, I DON’T NEED SOMEONE TO GIVE ME A HEADACHE. WHAT I NEED THAT FOR? I COULD FIND A HEADACHE. I’M IN THE PARK RIGHT NOW. 

IF I WANT A HEADACHE, I’D RUN INTO A TREE. YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? SO IT’S LIKE, THAT’S THE ONLY WAY TO LIKE, KEEP YOUR GUARD UP. YOU HAVE TO KEEP YOUR GUARD UP. I HAVE MY GUARD UP. AIN’T A WOMAN WHOSE GOING TO CATCH ME SLIPPING BECAUSE SHE HAS A “PHAT” ASS. NAW, YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? I DUCK AND DODGE EM, EFFING RUNNING AWAY FROM THEM. 

I DON’T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH THEM, LIKE REAL SH, I FEEL GOOD EXPRESSING THIS SH, IT SOUNDS CYNICAL BUT YOU CAN THANK THE PHONE GIRL MEGAN FOR THAT SH. YOU FEEL ME? THIS WAS FOUR YEARS IN THE MAKING OF ME DEVELOPING IT TO THIS DEGREE BUT, YOU CAN THANK THE PHONE GIRL FOR THAT SH. I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ANY OF THAT SH ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TO CHAD OR NAH.

THAT LOVEY DOVEY NIGGA GOT KILLED. THROWN IN THE TRUNK, CHOPPED UP, DISMEMBERED, ON SOME ROY DEMEO SH. THAT NIGGA’S IN THE FOUNTAIN AVENUE DUMP OR SOME SH BRA. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU. THAT NIGGA’S GONE, YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? I’M NEVER GOING BACK EITHER YOU KNOW?

KEEPING MY EFFING GUARD UP, IT REALLY IS, OK, LIKE, THE MISTRESS, LIKE UM WATCHING THE PRINCESS DIANA DOCUMENTARIES ALL NIGHT AND ALL TODAY, BACK TO BACK, JUST ON REPEAT, AND FALLING ASLEEP ON IT, WAKING UP, WATCHING IT AGAIN AND PLAYING IT THRU MY SLEEP IT UH, EXCUSE ME, IT ALWAYS EFFING TEARS MY HEART UP TO, TO LISTEN TO HER IN HER OWN WORDS, TALKING AND EVERYTHING AND WATCHING EVERYTHING. 

THAT WHOLE THING LIKE BREAKS MY HEART AND STUFF. WHEN YOU REALLY, REALLY THINK ABOUT THE WHOLE MISTRESS THING AND THE WIFE THING, OK, UM, WHEN YOU GET A WIFE RIGHT, IS IT ACCEPTABLE, LIKE, OK, OK, LIKE,  ALL I’M REALLY TRYING TO SAY, WITHOUT GOING ALL INTO DETAIL ITH THAT IS OK, IF YOU KNOW YOU’RE AN EFFING WHORE AND A SLUT, AND I MEAN THAT IN BOTH GENDERS OR SEXES. I’M TALKING TO GUYS BECAUSE I’M A GUY YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING?

I’M KEEPING IT ALL EVEN. THAT HO AND SLUT SH GOES BOTH FKN WAYS. LIKE REAL SH, IT’S NOT JUST NO, I’M AS CRITICAL TO THE GUYS TOO BRO, YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? IT’S THE GUYS THAT ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THE LEADERS. LIKE REAL SH, IT’S THE GUYS WHO ARE SUPPOSED TO LEAD. I WOULDN’T DARE LET THE AVERAGE WOMAN EFFING LEAD ME BRO. LIKE, I DON’T EVEN HEAR GUYS TALKING ABOUT IDEAS. 

LIKE REAL SH, WHEN YOU ARE AROUND ME, FOR THE FIRST TIME, I’M GOING TO BE VERY EFFING QUIET. I’M NOT GOING TO SAY SH. I’M NOT GOING TO SAY SH. I’M GOING TO LISTEN, VERY HARD, TO EVERYTHING YOU’RE SAYING AND DO MY BEST NOT TO BE JUDGEMENTAL ABOUT IT. SO IF YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT SUPERFICIAL, DUMB ASS SH, THAT’S ALL I’M GOING TO SEE, GOING THRU MY EFFING EARS.

YO, LIKE, LIKE,REAL SH, THIS NIGGA’S NEVER SEEN ME BEFORE, THIS IS HIS FIRST IMPRESSION OF ME, THIS IS MY FIRST IMPRESSION OF HIM AS WELL AND HE IS GOING TO ENDLESSLY PORTRAY HIMSELF AS A DUMB ASS BUT HE THINKS IT’S FUCKING COOL. TALKING ABOUT BABY MAMA ONE, BABY MAMA TWO BEING AN “OPP”, AND ALL TYPES OF SH AND I’M LIKE YO!

THIS NIGGA WAS POPULAR IN HIGH SCHOOL ASF. YOU’RE EFFING MR. POPULAR YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? THAT SH’S CRAZY. THAT SH’S CRAZY SO I JUST LIKE, WEAR MY SHINY MJ JACKETS AND STAY AWAY FROM NIGGAS YOU FEEL ME? I JUST WEAR SHINY SH TO MAKE WOMEN JUST STARE AT ME, THEN I DON’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT (L). I JUST LET THEM STARE. THAT’S ALL I WANTED. I JUST WANTED YOUR ATTENTION. YOU KNOW? I’M AN ASSHOLE. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU.

LIKE, I’M NOT ABOUT TO BE THE ON GETTING PLAYED. YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? MFS LOVE TO EFFING PLAY WITH ME AND THEN I GET ALL ANGRY AND START SPAZZING AND THEN THEY’RE LIKE YO, CALM DOWN. I’M LIKE NO, I’LL CALM DOWN WHEN YOUR HEART STOPS BEATING BX YOU FEEL ME? LIKE I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU.

THIS IS ONE HELL OF A DEDICATION TO PRINCESS DIANA. I DON’T KNOW WHAT SHE WOULD THINK ABOUT THIS BUT, IT’S JUST, ME, THE INTRODUCTION, CHAPTER ONE BUT I HAVEN’T GOTTEN INTO LIKE, REALLY THE BREAD OR BREADTH OF UH WHAT I WANTED TO SAY YOU KNOW BUT UM, I JUST WANTED TO INTRODUCE THE TOPIC OR WHAT NOT.

    I HAD TO TAKE THE SOCIAL COMMENTARY OR SATIRE ROUTE. IT’S LIKE BRO, LIKE OK, ALL I’M SAYING IS LIKE, IF WE’RE GOING TO BE HOES ABOUT THIS SH, IF WE ARE GOING TO BE HOES AND EFFNG SLUTS THEN LIKE, LET’S JUST BE HONEST ABOUT THE EFFING SH LIKE FROM THE BEGINNING. THAT’S WHERE THE DECEPTION COMES INTO PLAY. IT’S LIKE THE PERSON IS TRYING TO CONVINCE YOU THAT THEY ARE GOING TO BE FAITHFUL TO YOU AND YOU ARE GOING TO BE FAITHFUL TO THEM. 

    WHY CAN’T WE BOTH JUST SIT AT THE TABLE AND DISCUSS THE SH? AM I ALLOWED TO HAVE A MISTRESS? ARE YOU ALLOWED TO HAVE ANOTHER GUY BECAUSE HERE’S WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN. THEY ARE GOING TO SAY NO, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE A MISTRESS, I’M NOT ALLOWED TO FK WITH ANOTHER GUY. THEN YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS? I DON’T  GET A MISTRESS, THEY GET MAD AT ME OVER SOME SH AND END UP FUCKING ANOTHER GUY. SO I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THAT STUPID SHIT YOU FEEL ME? 

LIKE I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THAT SH. I’M THE TYPE OF PERSON THAT’S LIKE LET’S JUST SIT DOWN AT THE EFFING TABLE AND DECIDE RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW, IF WE ARE GOING TO EFFING CHEAT ON EACH OTHER. LIKE REAL SH, LET’S JUST HAVE THAT CONVERSATION SO WE CAN NEVER SAY, WE DID NOT HAVE THAT CONVERSATION. YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING?

BUT PEOPLE ARE SO EFFING FAKE, EVEN WHEN YOU HAVE THAT CONVERSATION, THEY WON’T EVEN EFFING ADMIT IT. YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? BUT IF SHE CAN SAY YES, I WOULD LIKE TO, OCCASSIONALLY, GET SOME OTHER DICK THEN IT’S A MUTUAL AGREEMENT, EVEN THEN, IF WE WERE ABLE TO MAKE THAT AGREEMENT, EVEN THEN, WE SOLIDIFY IT, WHY DON’T WE JUST BREAK THE SH OFF THEN AND BE, YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING. 

IF YOU WANT TO BE A HO AND AN EFFING SLUT FOR THE REST OF YOUR EFFING LIFE, STARTING FROM THE TIME YOU GET OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL UNTIL THE TIME YOUR EFFING EGGS DISAPPEAR THEN LIKE, GO AHEAD. DON’T LIKE TRY TO PORTRAY YOURSELF OTHERWISE. YOU’RE NO LADY DIANA, IS ALL I’M SAYING SO TO EVEN ELIMINATE ALL OF THAT BULLSH OF HAVING TO HAVE MISTRESS NEGOITIATIONS; THAT’S SOME WILD ASS SH. THAT’S SOME REVOLUTIONARY ASS SH, KIND OF.

 IT’S MORE ALONG THE LINES OF OPEN RELATIONSHIP BUT IT’S JUST, FOR A NIGGA TO SIT DOWN WITH A CHICK AND BE LIKE, YOU KNOW, AND ACTUALLY HAVE A CONTRACT LIKE THAT, WHERE THERE IS NO BREACH OF CONTRACT TERMS, EVEN THEN I’LL START TO FEEL BAD ABOUT WRITING THAT CONTRACT. I’D START TO FEEL BAD ABOUT THAT SH YOU FEEL ME? I’D FEEL BAD ABOUT THAT SH LIKE, I’M GOING TO LIKE, LIKE, WHY ARE WE PLANNING TO CHEAT? 

AT THE END OF THE DAY, I WAS LOOKING AT IT LIKE, ACCOUNTING FOR UH, THE PROBABLE OR THE POSSIBLE. WHAT’S LIKE PROBABLE, TO HAPPEN. YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? JUST ACCOUNTING FOR THAR AND PLANNING FOR THAT AND WHATEVER YOU KNOW? WHOSE GOING TO UH -- IS THAT NICK? OH SH, HOLD ON YA’LL GOT DAM, HOLD ON, I WAS RECORDING I WASN’T EVEN TALKING.