WRISTS BATHED IN RED SESSION FOUR

 10:52AM EST - 11:50AM EST

TUESDAY JANUARY 23RD, 2024

1.23.2024

1 MONTH SOBER ANNIVERSARY

WRISTS BATHED IN RED

SESSION FOUR: WRISTS BATHED IN RED

  IMAGINE BEING LOST. IMAGINE BEING LOST IN YOUR PAIN. REMEMBER BEING SO PAINFULLY LOST WITHIN. REMEMBER BEING SO LOST WITHIN YOUR OWN PAIN. REMEMBER BEING SO LOST WITHIN YOUR OWN PAIN YOU DECIDE TO DO THE UNTHINKABLE. HOW CAN IT ACTUALLY BE UNTHINKABLE IF YOU'RE CONSTANTLY THINKING IT? 

  IT'S THE ONLY THING ON YOUR MIND. BESIDES THE PAIN IT'S ALL YOU CAN THINK ABOUT. YOU'RE ONLY THINKING ABOUT IT BC OF THE PAIN ITSELF. IF SOMEONE TOLD YOU THE PAIN IN YOUR BRAIN WOULD LEAVE ONE DAY YOU WOULD LASH OUT AT THEM? IF SOMEONE TOLD YOU IT'S ALL IN YOUR MIND YOU WOULD SCREAM AT THEM CALLING THEM A LIAR. 

  IF I TELL YOU I FELT THE SAME WAY YOU WOULD BELIEVE ME. I HAVE NO CUT MARKS ON MY BODY. I AM NOT A CUTTER. I AM AN ADDICT. I WAS ADDICTED TO POISON. I WANTED TO POISON MYSELF TO DEATH. I WANTED TO SMOKE UNTIL MY HEART EXPLODED. I WANTED TO SMOKE POISON UNTIL IT KILLED ME. I FAILED. IT DIDN'T WORK. I REFUSED TO SLICE MY WRISTS HORIZONTALLY FOR ATTENTION OR VERTICALLY TO END IT ALL. 

  I THOUGHT SMOKING POISON WAS A MORE ACCIDENTAL LOOKING SUICIDE. POISON IS STILL SUICIDE. I KNEW WHAT I WAS DOING. I NEVER TOLD ANYONE THIS BEFORE. I WAS GOING TO POISON MYSELF SLOWLY UNTIL IT KILLED ME. MY LUNGS CAN STILL GIVE OUT AT ANY MOMENT. I STILL SMOKE TOBACCO. MY HEART CAN STILL EXPLODE.

  IS THIS STILL NOT A SLOW SUICIDE? WHY NOT JUST BUY ONE GUN AND ONE BULLET? ONE BULLET WILL PUT AN END TO IT ALL. ALL YOU NEED IS TO CUT ONE ARTERY DEEP ENOUGH AND YOU'LL SURELY DIE. WHAT IF YOU FELL ON A KNIFE AIMED TOWARDS YOUR HEART? WHAT IF YOU DROWNED YOURSELF? 

  I THOUGHT ABOUT DROWNING MYSELF IN A LAKE. WHAT WOULD KEEP ME UNDER WATER? WHAT IF I WENT SWIMMING IN THE LAKE WITH ANKLE WEIGHS ON? WOULD I SURELY DIE? WHAT IF I TRULY ABANDON EVERYONE WHOM I THOUGHT HAD TRULY ABANDONED ME? WHAT IF I LET MY OPPONENTS OR PERCEIVED ENEMIES WIN? 

  THEY WERE WAITING FOR ME TO KILL MYSELF. EVEN AT MY LOWEST POINT I THREATENED THEIR VERY BELIEF SYSTEM. THEY WANTED TO LAUGH OVER MY DEAD BODY. THEY COULD NEVER DESTROY ME THEMSELVES SO THEY PUSHED ME AS MUCH AS THEY COULD TOWARDS THE DARK SIDE. IF I RIDICULE HIM ENOUGH FOR BELIEVING IN HIMSELF MAYBE HE WILL STOP. IF HE EVER STOPS BELIEVING IN HIMSELF HE WILL SURELY SUICIDE HIMSELF. 

  THEY WERE THE COWARDS. THEY PICKED ON SOMEONE SUFFERING FROM A DEADLY DISEASE. THEY WERE OF NO HELP TO ME THEY WANTED ME TO HURT MYSELF. WHY WOULD THEY OTHERWISE BE SO CRUEL TO SOMEONE IN NEED? THEY JUST SILENTLY WATCHED ME SUFFER. JUST WAITING WERE THEY ALL. THEY THOUGHT OF ME AS A COMPLETE AND UTTER FAILURE. THIS IS HOW THEY TREATED ME. THIS IS WHAT THEY TOLD ME TO MY CIRCUMSTANTIAL FACE. 

  NEVER LET THEM TELL YOU DIFFERENT. NEVER LET THEM TELL YOU THEY ADMIRED ME. THEY WERE DISGUSTED BY THE VERY SIGHT OF ME. AND I AM SO HANDSOME. THEY LIED TO ME EVEN THEN. I AM NOT JUST HANDSOME. I AM SO HANDSOME I AM ACTUALLY PRETTY. I AM VERY PRETTY. I AM AS PRETTY AS A GIRL. I LOOK LIKE A GIRL. THIS IS HOW PRETTY I ACTUALLY AM. THEY WILL NEVER BE AS PRETTY AS ME. 

  DON'T LET THEM WIN. THEY WANT YOU TO HURT YOURSELF. WHY WOULD YOU TAKE YOURSELF OUT OF THE GAME? PLAY THE GAME. IT IS ALL A GAME. YOU'RE IN THE GAME TO WIN. GAMES ARE MEANT TO BE WON. WINNERS ARE MEANT TO WIN THE GAME. JUST WIN THE GAME ALREADY. 

WHAT'S STOPPING YOU? OH I KNOW. YOU DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE IN A DREAM? OH THE DREAM FELT LIKE A NIGHTMARE HUH? OH YOU WAKE UP IN PAIN? YOU WAKE UP IN THE SAME PAIN YOU FELL ASLEEP WITH HUH? SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE YOU BECAME ATTACHED TO ONE COLOR. EVERY EMOTION HAS A COLOR. AN AURA OR A VIBE EVERY COLOR HAS. 

  PAIN IS A CHOICE. YOU CAN DISCONNECT YOUR PAIN. THE ANSWER IS IN DANCING. PAIN CANNOT EXIST WHILE YOU DANCE. WHY ARE YOU NOT DANCING? YOU'RE A LIVING DREAM CHARACTER. YOU ARE A LIVING DREAM CHARACTER WITHIN YOUR OWN DREAM. THESE OTHER DREAM CHARACTERS YOU SEE EVERYDAY ARE YOUR DREAM CHARACTERS WITHIN YOUR DREAM. 

  THESE DREAM CHARACTERS WITHIN YOUR OWN DREAM HAVE NO POWER OVER YOU. THIS IS YOUR DREAM. DANCE BY YOURSELF. DANCE IN FRONT OF OTHERS. WHEN THEY ASK YOU WHY YOU ARE DANCING I WANT YOU TO GET ANGRY. WALK UP TO THEM ANGRILY AND TELL THEM I AM DANCING BC DEEP DOWN INSIDE I WISH I WAS DEAD AND I'M BEGGING MYSELF NOT TO END IT ALL RIGHT NOW AT THIS VERY MOMENT AND IF THEY DON'T MIND YOU'RE GOING TO CONTINUE SAVING YOUR OWN LIFE BC THEY HAVE NO POWER POWERFUL ENOUGH TO STOP YOU FROM BLOWING YOUR CIRCUMSTANTIAL BRAINS OUT RIGHT AT THIS VERY MOMENT AND ONLY GOD AND YOUR PLAYLIST WILL SAVE YOU. 

  I BET THEY LEAVE YOU ALONE. I BET THEY NEVER BOTHER YOUR DANCE ROUTINE EVER AGAIN. NEVER STOP DANCING. IT'S THE ONLY WEAPON YOU HAVE. DANCING IS THE LAST THING YOU FEEL LIKE DOING WHEN YOU ARE IN MENTAL PAIN. THINK ABOUT WHY THIS MUST BE. WHY WOULD DANCING BE THE LAST THOUGHT TO CROSS YOUR MIND. THIS IS BC YOUR MIND IS ADDICTED TO PAIN. 

  YOUR MIND IS THE ADDICT. YOUR MIND IS THE LOSER. NOT YOU. YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOUR MIND ONLY ONCE YOU HARNESS THE ABILITY TO HARVEST THE DESIRED EMOTION OF YOUR OWN CHOOSING. YOU CHOOSE THE EMOTION. YOUR MIND'S JUST STUPID AND IT CAN NOT BE TRUSTED. YOU MUST STOP THE PAIN. ITS YOUR PAIN. IT IS YOUR MIND. IT BELONGS ONLY TO YOU. I CAN'T CONTROL YOUR BRAIN. IF I COULD MAKE YOU DO ANYTHING I'D MAKE YOU CLEAN YOUR ROOM. 

  YOUR ROOMS A COMPLETE MESS AND YOU SHOULD BE ABSOLUTELY ASHAMED OF YOURSELF. WHY DID YOU FIRE YOUR MAID? YOUR BEDROOM IS ATROCIOUS. YOUR ROOM LOOKS LIKE A MONSTER CAME IN THERE LOOKING FOR YOU AND THEY FOUND YOU AND KIDNAPPED YOU. WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE IF YOUR ROOM LOOKS LIKE THIS? 

  THE MONSTER SHOULD HAVE FOUND YOU WITH THIS ROOM LOOKING LIKE THIS. YOU BETTER BE SOMEWHERE BLEEDING TO DEATH WITH YOUR ROOM LOOKING LIKE THIS. YOUR ROOM LOOKS LIKE IT BELONGS TO A BARBARIAN MARRIED TO A SAVAGE WHO HAS A BLIND LOVER ON THE SIDE. 

  JENNY AND KENNY ARE MARRIED. JENNY COMES HOME AND SEES KENNY DANCING. JENNY ASKS KENNY WHY IS HE CIRCUMSTANTIALLY DANCING. KENNY SAYS BC IM CIRCUMSTANTIALLY DEPRESSED. JENNY SAYS TO KENNY WELL YOU DON'T LOOK CIRCUMSTANTIALLY DEPRESSED TO ME. KENNY LOOKS BACK AT JENNY WHILE SMILING ONLY TO ASKWELL NOW ISN'T THAT CIRCUMSTANTIALLY CONSEQUENTIAL? 

  PAIN AND JOY CAN NOT EXIST WITHIN THE MIND SIMULTANEOUSLY. IT'S ALWAYS GOING TO BE ONE OR THE OTHER. IF YOU'RE NOT SMILING THEN YOU ARE FROWNING. IF YOU ARE NOT FROWNING THEN YOU ARE SMILING. IT'S YOUR CHOICE. IT'S EASY TO DANCE WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE DANCING. DUH. WHO RAISED YOU? THEY FAILED YOU.  IT'S HARD TO DANCE WHEN YOU DO NOT FEEL LIKE DANCING? 

  WHEN YOU'RE DANCING WHILE YOU'RE ALREADY HAPPY THIS IS CIRCUMSTANTIAL HAPPINESS. WHEN YOU CAN DANCE WHEN YOU ARE IN PAIN THEN THIS IS REFERRED TO AS UN CIRCUMSTANTIAL HAPPINESS. THIS IS THE PATH TO TRUE JOY. TRUE BLISS COMES FROM CONTROLLING YOUR POSITIVE EMOTION WHILE DEALING WITH AN UNPLEASANT CIRCUMSTANCE. BE UN CIRCUMSTANTIAL. CIRCUMSTANCE DOES NOT DEFINE YOU. IF YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES DETERMINE YOUR EMOTIONS YOU'RE JUST A CIRCUMSTANTIAL LOSER. 

JUST BC YOU ARE IN AN UNDESIRED CIRCUMSTANCE DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO FEEL BAD ABOUT IT? MAN WHO RAISED YOU? THEY DID A GREAT JOB. GIVE THEM A PAT ON THE BACK FOR ME. SAY GREAT JOB MOM AND DAD YOU RAISED A COMPLETE LOSER DEFINED BY CIRCUMSTANCE. WHO TAUGHT YOU TO CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU GO THRU? WHO TAUGHT YOU IT WAS ACCEPTABLE TO FEEL BAD ABOUT SOMETHING YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER? 

  OH I DON'T WANT TO BE IN THIS CIRCUMSTANCE SO I'M JUST GOING TO CRY ABOUT IT? WHAT? ARE YOU NUTS? YOU ARE THE ENTIRE DEFINITION OF INSANITY. MAYBE THIS CIRCUMSTANCE IS ANOTHER COMPUTER PROGRAM AIMED AT TESTING YOUR FAITH IN GOD AS YOU UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF. WHAT IF GOD WANTED TO TEST YOUR FAITH IN HIS ABILITY TO TRANSCEND THE CIRCUMSTANCE BY SENDING IT TO YOU BEFORE SENDING A MORE DESIRED CIRCUMSTANCE?

  OH YOU THOUGHT LIFE WERE FULL OF ROSES AND CHERRIES DIPPED IN APPLE SAUCE? DON'T FORGET TO LEAVE THE MILK OUT FOR SANTA CLAUSE. HEY WHEN ALL THAT METH SMOKING KNOCKS YOUR TEETH OUT DON'T FORGET TO PUT THEM UNDER YOUR PILLOW FOR THE TOOTH FAIRY. HEY WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? HE WAS RUNNING FROM HIS PAIN. WHY DID THE CHICKEN NOT CROSS THE ROAD AGAIN? HE WAS RUNNING FROM A PAIN THAT NEVER EXISTED AND GOT RAN OVER IN THE ROAD'S MIDDLE. 

  I'M A JERK. THIS IS TRUE. YOU'RE A JERK TOO THOUGH. YOU THOUGHT I WAS REAL. I WAS NEVER REAL. YOU WERE NEVER REAL EITHER. THE CHICKEN WAS NEVER REAL. THE CHICKEN'S PAIN NEVER REAL EITHER. THE TRUCK WASNT REAL EITHER. THE CHICKEN'S STILL DEAD IN THE STREET THOUGH. THE STREET WASN'T REAL. YET IT ALL REALLY HAPPENED. ONLY WITHIN A COMPUTER SIMULATION THOUGH. GOD IS LAUGHING AT YOU. ONLY BC YOU DON'T REALIZE NONE OF THIS IS REAL. 

  YOUR ANGELS WATCH YOUR SPIRITUAL PROGRESSION WHILE UTTERLY TERRIFIED. OMG HE THINKS THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING. OMG SHE THINKS SHE IS REAL. GOD AND THE DEVIL MADE A BET AT THE BEGINNING OF HUMAN CREATION. GOD SAID TO THE DEVIL HEY I JUST MADE HUMAN BEINGS IN MY IMAGE.

   THE DEVIL SAID I BET YOU I CAN DESTROY THEIR PERCEPTION OF UNITY CONVINCING THEM THEY ARE ALL SEPARATE FROM ONE ANOTHER AND CAUSE CHAOS AND DESTRUCTION. GOD ASKED HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT TO BET LUCIFER? LUCIFER SAID HOW MUCH YOU GOT? GOD PUT EVERYTHING ON THE LINE FOR THE BET. 

  GOD IS LOSING THE BET. IT'S ALL BC OF YOU. YOU THINK THIS WORLD IS REAL. YOU THINK EVERYTHING IS REAL EXCEPT GOD. NOTHING BUT GOD IS REAL. THE DEVIL IS AN UNDERCOVER AGENT WORKING FOR GOD IN ORDER TO TEST YOUR FAITH IN GOD. THE DEVIL HAS A JOB TO TEMPT YOU TO STRAY FROM GOD. THE MOMENT YOU BELIEVE YOU ARE SEPARATE FROM THE UNIVERSE THEN THE DEVIL WINS. 

  IT'S YOUR FAULT GOD LOST THE BET. HE CAN ONLY SAVE YOU WITH CIRCUMSTANCE. CIRCUMSTANCE PROVOKES FATE'S PRODUCTION. WITHOUT A SET OF EVER CHANGING CIRCUMSTANCE CANNOT YOUR DESTINY MANIFEST. YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES ARE YOUR DESTINY POINTS. EACH CIRCUMSTANCE TAKES YOU ONE STEP CLOSER TO YOUR DESTINY AND YOUR FATE. MAN WHO RAISED YOU? 

  WHY DIDN'T THEY EVER TELL YOU THIS? I HOPE YOU FEEL A LITTLE BETTER. GIVE ME THE GUN OR I'M CALLING THE COPS. PUT THE KNIFE DOWN OR I'LL CUT YOU MYSELF. THAT'S A JOKE. I WILL NEVER HURT YOU. AND NEITHER WILL YOUR MENTAL PAIN. THAT'S NOT A JOKE. BUT I PRAY YOU FIND THE FUNNY.