WRISTS BATHED IN RED: SESSION CYNICAL ANALYSIS MICROWAVED HEARTS SESSION

 12:58 AM EST - 1:26AM EST 

FRIDAY MARCH 1ST, 2024

3.1.2024

WRISTS BATHED IN RED:

SESSION

CYNICAL ANALYSIS

MICROWAVED HEARTS

SESSION

HEARTBREAKING

  I AM EXTREMELY HEARTBROKEN INSIDE. I AM ATTEMPTING TO EMBRACE THE HEARTBREAK. I'VE BEEN HEARTBROKEN SINCE AGE SEVEN. THE HEARTBREAKS JUST KEPT PILING ON. MAYBE LIFE IS JUST AN OVERALL HEARTBREAKING EXPERIENCE. MAYBE LIFE IS A MIXTURE OF JOYOUS HEART WARMING EXPERIENCES AND SADDENING HEARTBREAKING EXPERIENCES. 

  THE PARENTAL DIVORCE STARTED THE HEARTBREAK. THE FIRST ILLUSION SHATTERED. HAPPILY EVER AFTER DOESN'T EXIST. MAYBE HAPPILY EVER AFTER DOES EXIST. MAYBE HAPPILY EVER AFTER EXISTS FOR SOME. HAPPILY EVER AFTER DIDN'T EXIST FOR MY PARENT'S MARRIAGE. I WASN'T BORN INTO A HAPPILY EVER AFTER MARRIAGE. 

  THE SENTIMENT WAS FOREVER ETCHED IN MY MEMORY BANK. IT WAS MY EXPERIENCE. EVERYONE DOESN'T HAVE THE SAME EXPERIENCE. IT WAS HOWEVER MY OWN PERSONAL EXPERIENCE. I'VE FELT THE PAIN EVER SINCE. IT'S HARD TO GET OUT OF MY MIND. THE PAIN OF FEELING UNAPPRECIATED BY THE PARENT WHO LEFT. 

  IN MY CASE IT WAS THE PATERNAL ABANDONMENT. THE FEELING OF FEELING UNLOVED BY YOUR FATHER. THE FEELING OF IT WAS YOUR FAULT THE MARRIAGE GREW UNHAPPY FOR THEM BC YOU WERE THE LAST BORN. THE FEELING OF EVERYTHING WAS FINE UNTIL I CAME ALONG. THE FEELING OF YOU WERE THE LAST STRAW BREAKING THE CAMEL'S BACK. 

  MY FATHER COMMITTED ADULTERY. I DIDN'T REALLY UNDERSTAND THIS CONCEPT AT SEVEN. YEARS LATER I REMEMBER MY MOTHER CRYING TO ME. WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO SHE ASKED ME. WAS I SUPPOSED TO STAY IN THE MARRIAGE WHEN HE WAS CHEATING ON ME? 

  SO BOTH OF MY PARENTS MADE DECISIONS BASED ON HOW THEY FELT PERSONALLY WHILE DISREGARDING THE HOSTAGES TO THEIR SITUATION. MY FATHER CHOSE TO GIVE IN TO HIS SEXUAL URGES WITH ANOTHER WOMAN. HE DIDN'T THINK ABOUT HOW THIS WOULD AFFECT HIS THREE CHILDREN. HE THOUGHT ABOUT HIMSELF. 

  MY MOTHER MADE HER DECISION TO DIVORCE MY FATHER BASED ON HER PERSONAL FEELINGS ABOUT BEING CHEATED ON. SHE DID NOT THINK ABOUT HOW THIS WOULD AFFECT HER THREE CHILDREN AS WELL. SHE THOUGHT ABOUT HERSELF. FOR TWO PEOPLE MAKING DECISIONS BASED ON THEIR PERSONAL EMOTIONS I WONDER WHY THEY EVEN HAD CHILDREN AT ALL, LET ALONE THREE. 

  SO NOW MOM HAS TO WORK HARDER TO PROVIDE FOR HER THREE CHILDREN AS A SINGLE MOTHER. NOW MY DAD IS FREE TO HAVE SEX WITH WHOMEVER HE SO DESIRES. MY DAD DOESN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT CHEATING ANYMORE. MY MOTHER DOESN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT BEING CHEATED ON ANYMORE. 

  NOW MY MOM IS GONE FROM HOME MORE. I END UP GETTING INTRODUCED TO SEX AROUND THIS TIME. FROM AGES SEVEN TO FOURTEEN I HAD MANY HORRIBLE SEXUAL EXPERIENCES. I HAD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH ADULT WOMEN AND MEN. I WAS INTRODUCED TO HOMOSEXUALITY DURING THESE YEARS. I WAS SEXUALLY VIOLATED OR SEXUALLY PENETRATED. I WAS LOCKED IN A ROOM AT AGE THIRTEEN. 

  THE TECHNICAL TERM FOR THESE CIRCUMSTANCES IS MOLESTATION OR SEXUAL TRAUMA. SO NOW MY BRAIN'S IN SEVERE PAIN. I FIRST SMOKE MARIJUANA AT AGE 14. I BEGIN SMOKING NOT REALIZING IT'S AFTER THE SEXUAL TRAUMA ENDED. I WAS TOO YOUNG TO COMPREHEND THE PROCESS I WAS GOING THRU.

  FIRST THE TRAUMA AND THEN THE ADDICTION. WHICH CAME FIRST? THE ADDICTION OR THE TRAUMA? TRAUMA PRECEDES THE ADDICTION. I MOVE FROM MIAMI, FLORIDA AFTER I BEGIN SMOKING MARIJUANA AT AGE FOURTEEN . I MOVED TO ATLANTA, GEORGIA. I BEGIN SMOKING MARIJUANA AGAIN AT AGE SEVENTEEN. 

  FROM THIS MOMENT I BECOME HEAVILY ADDICTED UNTIL AGE THIRTY THREE. A SEVENTEEN YEAR TIME WINDOW ELAPSES WHERE I DEPENDED ON MARIJUANA TO SOOTHE THE PAIN IN MY BRAIN. I WASN'T TO BLAME FOR THE TRAUMA INL UNDERWENT AS A MINOR. I WAS HOWEVER TO BLAME FOR RUNNING FROM THE PAIN AA AN ADULT.